Words For Your Enjoyment: The Populars

Someday, when this planet is extinct, the WFYE posts won’t matter much.

But as long as Friday continues to exist and as long as you continue to exist and as long as I continue to exist, there’s a warm and fuzzy nature Friday’s got glowing around itself that makes me want to just scoop it up in both my arms, wrap it up in a sweatshirt and take it out for dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant. And as long as I feel that way about a day of the week, well, you should too.

Which has absolutely nothing to do with today’s subject matter.

What you may or may not know is that there’s a slew of people who read WFME via the RSS Feed. There’s also a smaller group who subscribe to the comments feed. It’s those people who truly have an idea of the kind of comments this site continues to get on posts that were once new, are no longer new, but appear to be the most popular posts of their kind.

And that is what I’d like to talk about today.

Out there in the impersonal internet, there are millions of us — constantly searching anonymously for the answers to the questions we’re too embarrassed to ask even our closest friends and family out of fear of looking silly. And it seems as if some of these deep dark secrets are bringing citizens of the world to WFME via our most popular posts. In fact, they’re only popular because they answer the questions of those desperate souls, seeking the light in the darkest of times.

[Insert ominous organ music here.]

Toe-Length: Or, You Got Freaky Long Toes Girlfriend: One of WFME’s all time popular posts, I discuss what it means if your second toe is bigger or longer than your first toe. Apparently, millions of people in our world worry about what this means, if they’re normal and if there are people out there like them as well.

Small Hands, Big Problem: It’s a virtual self-help group in the comments section of this post, which I wrote as a comic piece to describe my obsession with the fact that my hands might be too small. Apparently, the world is filled with men who feel their hands are smaller than their girlfriend’s hands, and this is a pyschological issue they can’t stop thinking about.

My Head Is Huge: Then, of course, there’s the section of the public who believe (instead of their hands being too small) that their heads are too big. Once again, if you are a part of this group and you’re looking for a support network, look no further. People have resorted to measuring the diameter of their heads and posting them here in an attempt to make sure they’re normal.

If I Was An Abercrombie & Fitch Model: Here, Abercrombie & Fitch models argue with people who believe the hiring practices of A&F are racist. And then people who hang out in mall food courts argue with people who don’t, because they’re A&F models. I just wanted to be a model, that was all — but it exploded into a grammatically incorrect debate about pretty people.

I Can’t Swallow Pills: Apparently, when people are at home attempting to swallow pills and they can’t swallow pills, they come to WFME to see if I know of a way to swallow pills. (I don’t.) But that doesn’t stop them from all coming here and commenting on the problems in their throat.

Hit Me In The Stomach As Hard As you Can Because I Can Take It: It saddens me that a post lampooning the idiots who tell you to hit them in the stomach as hard as you can because they can take it has become sullied by the small Internet faction who actually “get off” if you punch them in the stomach. Children, get your parents permission before you click on the above link.

Keebler Elf or Ooompa Loompa: This one continues to surprise me. Apparently, people consistently search Keelber Elf and Oompa Loompa in the same search window. I just wanted to know which one you’d rather be. For some reason, people want to be both.

Yes, thems are the populars.

These are the questions, that in the quiet times, people are searching out the answers for. These are the issues that plague their thoughts. And these are the posts that, in the darkest of times, bring light to the world.

[Insert same ominious organ music from above, here.]

Oh, and in other news, I’m having a kid in December. Send some good, positive “you will still have a life in January” vibes if you can.

And in additionally other exciting news, I must announce that I was recently plucked from obscurity by a major television network to create and write a brand-new TV pilot. More details on that in the coming months…

Oh, and some really exciting news: that splinter I had in my left ankle for the last eleven years finally just fell out. Go figure. After all that time trying to pull it out and having no luck…it just FELL OUT. Karma, man. Karma.

24 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: The Populars

  1. James Cooper - October 13, 2006 at 8:51 am -

    Hey, congrats on the impending child and television pilot. May they both not stink very much 😀

    Maybe you should put that splinter up on eBay. I’ll bet there’s somebody out there looking for that exact thing.

    And finally, which is your favorite sushi restaurant?

  2. Pauly D - October 13, 2006 at 9:00 am -

    James – Here in Los Angeles, the favorite sushi restaurant of choice is currently Katsu-Ya in Studio City. If you’re out in LA and haven’t been there, you gotta check it out.

  3. Hilary - October 13, 2006 at 9:09 am -

    Mazel tov, on both! And Studio City? Like, the Valley?

  4. wendi - October 13, 2006 at 9:56 am -

    why didn’t you just have a doctor take it out?

  5. Jen - October 13, 2006 at 12:13 pm -

    Wow, congrats Pauly! Guess that means your boys can swim.

  6. Bre - October 13, 2006 at 12:14 pm -

    Congrats! All three of those things are hugely exciting! As for sleep in January? Well… let’s just say you should cross every bone in your body for now and hope for the best!

  7. Janet - October 13, 2006 at 1:41 pm -

    The post that gets the most hits from people googling phrases seems to be “I Am A Food Snob”. Interesting, though I would like to see a post discussing worries about too-small-heads. This matter has been bothering me for awhile now.

    A kid! What kind?

  8. Pauly D - October 13, 2006 at 1:46 pm -

    Jen – Yes. Yes they can. [Swim]

    Bre – Sleep, I suspect, will be a word foreign to me by January.

    Janet – The kind of kid a father would rather not see date, ever.

  9. dgm - October 13, 2006 at 2:55 pm -

    yay! a kid for your enjoyment! the laughs will never end; sadly, sleep as you know it will. i recommend banking as much sleep as you can between now and then because you’ll be living off those savings for a while.

    please also extend hearty congratulations to mrs. pauly. i hope for her sake that the child does not have the davidson head.

  10. susan - October 13, 2006 at 4:30 pm -

    YOUR life will be replaced by living vicariously through your kid’s. But don’t worry, you will love every blurping, crying, exhausting, heart-bursting-with-a-kind-of-love-you-had-previously-never-known moment of it all.

  11. susan - October 13, 2006 at 4:33 pm -

    YOU are having a baby?!?! Now you really have a reason to call the Guiness Book of World records!!
    Having a book published = major ego boost. Having a child = the ultimate validating ego trip of all.

  12. Amy - October 13, 2006 at 4:57 pm -

    Congrats on the impending bundle of joy, Pauly! You’re life will be so full in December…better than you ever expected.

  13. Daniel - October 13, 2006 at 6:21 pm -

    A baby? A TV pilot?

    You’ve come up with some fairly fantastical shtick…and now you gonna pull the old switcheroo?

    Well…. Homie don’t buy it

    Feed it to the RSS crazies.

  14. better safe than sorry - October 13, 2006 at 7:10 pm -

    congrats on the anticipated arrival of your baby!!! mine were all premmies, have that bag packed, early.

  15. Dylan - October 13, 2006 at 9:43 pm -

    You know who the real Popular is, don’t you. It’s you! You, with new kid on the way and new show in development. Get down with yo’ splinterless self.

    Congrats, Pauly D.

  16. Kathleen - October 14, 2006 at 12:15 pm -

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

  17. JM - October 14, 2006 at 4:29 pm -

    Shame, SHAME on you for hiding that amazing news under the fold.

    Shame!

    🙂

  18. jenny - October 15, 2006 at 11:21 am -

    Wow – congratulations across the board! And don’t worry, your life won’t change much at all after January. I have two of my own, and basically I just throw some food in a bowl, make sure they have clean litter boxes, and go about my normal routine.

    Wait – did you say “cats” or “kids?”

    My bad. Your life will never be the same… 🙂

  19. Pauly D - October 15, 2006 at 8:03 pm -

    Thanks, guys. Much appreciated!

  20. Jacquie - October 17, 2006 at 8:24 am -

    Congratulations Pauly D and Pauly D’s wife!!

    Children are (Junior, untie your sister this instant!) precious (Mary Jo, get down from the roof right now young lady) gifts (Don’t make me come in there Jimmy Bob) from above. They truly enrich (Buffy, don’t drink that, don’t. I said….) a couples lives (Scooter, if you bring home one more stray cat, I sware I’ll…) immensely!!!

    I had a feeling you were expecting (well, I mean, your wife) when you did a post on baby names. It’s always a dead giveaway!!!

    Seriously though, things will change a lot in your life but you guys will see each other in a whole new role and it’s the coolest thing ever. Plus, when that baby is born, it’s unexplainable the bond that you’ll have.

    Congratulations on the tv pilot too! I can’t wait to hear more and I’m sure with your talent, it will be a success!

  21. Jacquie - October 17, 2006 at 8:27 am -

    PS… are you gonna start a daddy blog? I bet that would be hilarious. I also have to agree with Daniel. This is the most personal you’ve been with us ever. Now we’ll be sure to send gifts.

  22. Pauly D - October 17, 2006 at 8:42 am -

    Jacquie – You’re right, this is the most personal I’ve gotten on this blog in a long time. But I figured it was big enough to mention. Now back to your regularly scheduled unpersonalness.

  23. Dave2 - October 17, 2006 at 11:36 am -

    Looking forward to your first poopy diaper entry!

    I’d wish you good luck on the television pilot, but that only ever seems to lead to trouble, so I’ll so my support and encouragement by saying nothing at all. 🙂

  24. Nicole - October 20, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    A baby?!?! Congratulations to you and your wife! It’s good news for all of us, really — babies provide excellent blogging fodder. And if you DO ever decide to let her date, start saving now for her wedding, because I’m planning mine now, and OH MY GOD it’s expensive!

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