Someday, when this planet is extinct, the WFYE posts won’t matter much.
But as long as Friday continues to exist and as long as you continue to exist and as long as I continue to exist, there’s a warm and fuzzy nature Friday’s got glowing around itself that makes me want to just scoop it up in both my arms, wrap it up in a sweatshirt and take it out for dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant. And as long as I feel that way about a day of the week, well, you should too.
Which has absolutely nothing to do with today’s subject matter.
What you may or may not know is that there’s a slew of people who read WFME via the RSS Feed. There’s also a smaller group who subscribe to the comments feed. It’s those people who truly have an idea of the kind of comments this site continues to get on posts that were once new, are no longer new, but appear to be the most popular posts of their kind.
And that is what I’d like to talk about today.
Out there in the impersonal internet, there are millions of us — constantly searching anonymously for the answers to the questions we’re too embarrassed to ask even our closest friends and family out of fear of looking silly. And it seems as if some of these deep dark secrets are bringing citizens of the world to WFME via our most popular posts. In fact, they’re only popular because they answer the questions of those desperate souls, seeking the light in the darkest of times.
[Insert ominous organ music here.]
Toe-Length: Or, You Got Freaky Long Toes Girlfriend: One of WFME’s all time popular posts, I discuss what it means if your second toe is bigger or longer than your first toe. Apparently, millions of people in our world worry about what this means, if they’re normal and if there are people out there like them as well.
Small Hands, Big Problem: It’s a virtual self-help group in the comments section of this post, which I wrote as a comic piece to describe my obsession with the fact that my hands might be too small. Apparently, the world is filled with men who feel their hands are smaller than their girlfriend’s hands, and this is a pyschological issue they can’t stop thinking about.
My Head Is Huge: Then, of course, there’s the section of the public who believe (instead of their hands being too small) that their heads are too big. Once again, if you are a part of this group and you’re looking for a support network, look no further. People have resorted to measuring the diameter of their heads and posting them here in an attempt to make sure they’re normal.
If I Was An Abercrombie & Fitch Model: Here, Abercrombie & Fitch models argue with people who believe the hiring practices of A&F are racist. And then people who hang out in mall food courts argue with people who don’t, because they’re A&F models. I just wanted to be a model, that was all — but it exploded into a grammatically incorrect debate about pretty people.
I Can’t Swallow Pills: Apparently, when people are at home attempting to swallow pills and they can’t swallow pills, they come to WFME to see if I know of a way to swallow pills. (I don’t.) But that doesn’t stop them from all coming here and commenting on the problems in their throat.
Hit Me In The Stomach As Hard As you Can Because I Can Take It: It saddens me that a post lampooning the idiots who tell you to hit them in the stomach as hard as you can because they can take it has become sullied by the small Internet faction who actually “get off” if you punch them in the stomach. Children, get your parents permission before you click on the above link.
Keebler Elf or Ooompa Loompa: This one continues to surprise me. Apparently, people consistently search Keelber Elf and Oompa Loompa in the same search window. I just wanted to know which one you’d rather be. For some reason, people want to be both.
Yes, thems are the populars.
These are the questions, that in the quiet times, people are searching out the answers for. These are the issues that plague their thoughts. And these are the posts that, in the darkest of times, bring light to the world.
[Insert same ominious organ music from above, here.]
Oh, and in other news, I’m having a kid in December. Send some good, positive “you will still have a life in January” vibes if you can.
And in additionally other exciting news, I must announce that I was recently plucked from obscurity by a major television network to create and write a brand-new TV pilot. More details on that in the coming months…
Oh, and some really exciting news: that splinter I had in my left ankle for the last eleven years finally just fell out. Go figure. After all that time trying to pull it out and having no luck…it just FELL OUT. Karma, man. Karma.