Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement

Times are a changin’ my friends.

You may or may not remember what the 90’s were like, but it seemed like everywhere you looked (TV, Movies, Books) there was someone getting impaled. Impaled on sharp stakes, metal gates, spears, bent poles on the side of the highway, missles, and a whole slew of phallic metallic (or phatallic) objects just for the sake of the “oohs” and “aahs” of pop culture watchers.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that emptied-out skulls is the new impalement.

Look around. Impalements are totally on the decline. Watch a horror movie and you’ll be hard-pressed to really find a handful of impalements. It’s sort of sad, really — there’s nothing like watching the beginning of an impalement and then quickly watching as the camera flips to the opposite angle so you can already see how far through someone’s chest that cricket bat went. Impalements were the creative way of killing someone without having to show much gore — since impalements really don’t drag your guts through the hole and out the other side.

But emptied-out skulls? Yeah, a little more gory.

Now everywhere you look, people’s heads are being chopped open, stuff is being scooped out, and people are often walking into rooms discovering said heads emptied-out, scooped out and there’s often an eerie look on the subject’s face since, well, ironically their skull was just emptied out and between you and me they probably wish they were impaled on a Yield sign instead.

Progress, people. Progress.

But beyond the reasoning of a million creative media-makers and their choice to abandon the classy, morose “impalement scene” with the “in your face” emptied-out skull thing, is a bigger question. A question that is larger than all the questions strung together and hurled from here to the moon and back. A question that I would like to ask here and now but whose answers I don’t necessarily want since this is the whole rhetorical part of the post:

Why couldn’t slamming hands in car doors be the new impalement?

There are so many other better, realistic, cringe-inducing ways to scare people than emptying out some guy’s skull. How many people are afraid of getting their hand stuck in a closed car door? How many people would rather not think about getting their cuticles ripped out? How many people would rather not have a midget living in their fridge 24 hours a day?

Millions of people would rather not think about such things.

So while empited-out skulls seemingly must be the new impalement, I would like to appeal to those who have the power to change such “blank is the new blank” scenarios, and make fingers slammed in car doors the new emptied out skulls. I know that emptied out skulls has only been the new impalement for a few years now, and that impalements were at the top of their game for like two decades, but sometimes change is needed. Sometimes the new “fad” can’t be the new fad for as long as the previous fad was the old new fad.

I think you know what I mean, and I think you agree.

Fingers. Car doors. Make it so.

8 comments on “Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement

  1. James Cooper - October 11, 2006 at 9:22 am -

    The emptied out skulls on the new series Heroes was awesomely creepy. What a great calling card for a serial killer. Except that to do it well it would take some time. Not that I’ve really thought it through or anything…

  2. susan - October 11, 2006 at 11:01 am -

    Phatallic? Did you make that up? Wow. You are scary.

  3. Jerry - October 11, 2006 at 11:54 am -

    Hand in car door is much more disturbing to the viewer. We have all experienced it so we can relate to the character’s painful reaction – even cringe in anticipation. But let’s face it. It can also be funny — imagine Steve Martin or Jim Carrey slamming their hand in a car door. Emptied out skulls will make us cringe but not really laugh. Unless you are watching Hannibal for the 5th time and watching Ray Liotta at the dinner table while Anthony Hopkins casually lifts the skull cap and then scoops and sautes Ray’s brain, you probably aren’t laughing at emptied out skulls — not even giggling to yourself.

  4. Jacquie - October 11, 2006 at 12:06 pm -

    I’m going to the bookstore tonight for my monthly “PROMOTE PAULY D BOOKS campaign.”

    Any special requests?

  5. Pauly D - October 11, 2006 at 3:15 pm -

    Jacquie – Yeah, promote me.

  6. Daniel - October 11, 2006 at 4:02 pm -

    Misdirected, blind rage – touring behind the wheel of urbane, existential groping, is the new sincerity- safe behind the mask of irony.

    That’s heavy, baby.

    Heavy!

  7. Daniel - October 12, 2006 at 1:56 am -

    I’ve been told that the smart money says

    ” Black is the old-new black…of old”

    only this time… it won’t be that new or that cool.

  8. nic - October 12, 2006 at 8:01 am -

    I love my little fridge-midget … I keep bread & butter pickles in his emptied-out skull.

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