If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie

Normally, I’m afraid of hide n’ go seek.

But just like I once took the glorious Olympic games and adjusted them to be more fun — well, there’s ways around sucking the fear out of that horrific hiding game and giving it a little bit more to make it sing (no pun intended). And having put thought into it, I’ve decided there’s one way I’d be able to stomach the running, hiding and seeking game.

I’d want to play it with superstar singer Lionel Richie.

When I’ve vocalized to friends and family that I’d be willing to play hide n’ go seek as long as I could play the game with Lionel Richie, people have often looked at me with a half-cocked, cockeyed, kind of cockneyed accentish look on their faces. Primarily because out of all the people you could choose to hide and go seek with, most people suggest public figures like Colin Powell (he knows how to find and locate really hard to find hidden things like WMDs) and James Cromwell (he’s lanky and skinny and could hide behind a pole and you’d never see him). And then others just throw out figures from history that they’d love to hide from like Mussolini and Charles Manson.

But for me, it’s Lionel Richie all the way.

If I could play hide and go seek with Lionel Richie, I would have certain places I would hide and certain places I wouldn’t hide. For one, I would never hide in any location near or around the ceiling (i.e. lofts, in the rafters or attic). This is due, mostly, to the fact that Lionel Richie is famous for once saying (and singing):

Man, what in the world is happening down
at the end of the hall?
I don’t have a clue?
Let’s check this thing out!

What is happening here
Something’s going on that’s not quite clear
Somebody turn on the lights
It’s starting tonight

Oh, what a feeling
when we’re dancing on the ceiling.

Know this: a singer is the product of his thoughts and his lyrics, and they shape their everyday decision making. This would be both helpful and an impasse for me in my hiding techniques. Based on the lyrics from Lionel’s above song, I would have to make sure that I didn’t hide at the end of the hall, near lights (cause he’s going to turn on the lights for sure after he exclaims that he’s going to “check this thing out!”) and I’ll definitely not hide anywhere near a ceiling because he’s going to exhaust searching out that location first and foremost.

But this is a good thing. This gives me a leg up on Lionel Richie if I could play hide n’ go seek with him.

Knowing Lionel Richie likes to continually exclaim out loud “what is happening here” and “somebody turn on the lights” instead of the more mainstream “I’m coming for you” and “somebody’s gonna get found soon” would probably cause me to disconnect or remove actual light bulbs in the room/areas I was hiding. I think the best places to hide in a big house opposite Lionel Richie in a game of hide n’ go seek would probably be inside small toy chests, in un-lit basement corners, behind old treadmills in the never-used home gym and potentially under blankets or something.

I don’t think Lionel Richie would ever think to look under lumpy blankets.

But what would make playing hide n’ go seek even more glorious to play against Mr. Richie would be the fact that the moments leading up to him finding me (if he ever did) — I would totally tweak my trademark “Betcha can’t find me” taunt (which I would constantly whisper from my hiding place to taunt the seeker) to something a little more Lionel Richie-esque. Something like:

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

Cos I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely
Is someone loving you?

Well, maybe I’d cut out the feeling lonely and the “is someone loving you” line.

That probably wouldn’t go over too well in a game of hide n’ seek.

In other news, tomorrow brings us another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — where you submit an idea for a post, we use it, and give you the kind of credit that’s worth nothing in the free economy that we enjoy here today. Give it a whirl!

9 comments on “If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie

  1. James Cooper - October 5, 2006 at 9:30 am -

    I think I’d have to choose Christopher Walken. Just because, he’s Christopher, freakin, Walken.

    Tomorrow, write a post about your thoughts on Monday’s Columbus Day and whether ole Chris Columbus really deserves it.

  2. Merel - October 5, 2006 at 9:48 am -

    what if you were the seeker, though?

  3. Jerry - October 5, 2006 at 9:50 am -

    Based on his lyrics alone, I wouldn’t want to hide inside Lionel Richie’s mind, either — ‘he’s done things there to me at least a thousand times.’

    In providing inspiration for you to write about James Cooper’s suggestion, perhaps inside of debating whether Christopher Columbus deserves a holiday why don’t we instead change the Christopher Columbus we celebrate — not the navigator who bumped into the Bahamas but the Director/Producer who gave us Home Alone and Harry Potter among other family fun gems of the past 20 years.

    That way we don’t need to change all of those calendars to erase Columbus Day and we don’t run the risk of offending Native Americans and the decendents of Myans and Aztecs who don’t really think 1492 was a particularly good year.

  4. James Cooper - October 5, 2006 at 12:38 pm -

    Excellent idea Jerry. Most definately!

  5. Daniel - October 5, 2006 at 5:14 pm -

    What makes you think that he couldn’t just as readily deduce what you can deduce he would
    be most likely to do?

    That’s niave.

    He musta learned something about the fairly narrow scope of human behavior on his way up, and on back down again.

    He knows something.

    You can hide all you want if it suits you

    B B But Lionel …..he won’t be seekin’.

    That’s your role.

    Or whatever

  6. jacquie - October 5, 2006 at 6:18 pm -

    I’m sorry to always make this about me, but I just wanted to let you know that when I was little, we would play hide and seek to Pink Floyd’s “Is anybody out there?”

    Add some ghostly “ooooohs’ in between the “is anybody out there”s and you added a really great creepy element to the game.

  7. Daniel - October 5, 2006 at 6:40 pm -

    What good can it bring to seek celebrity.

    I just want the cash.

  8. Alex Fayle - October 6, 2006 at 4:53 am -

    I’d want to play with Helena Bonham Carter because she’s obviously a twisty devious (as well as twisted and devilish) given that she’s married to Tim Burton. And because she did Planet of the Apes because she’s always wanted to be a monkey.

    So, playing with her (especially on a Tim Burton movie set) would be a hoot of leaping and twisting all the while making evil witty comments in a high class British accent.

    Oh the rapture!

  9. […] People I know who swear by the whole “dream suggestion” racket have given me exercises to practice. You know, the kinds of things where you lay back on your bed and you tense up your feet, then your calves, then your knees, then work all the way up to your stomach and chest and finally your head. By the time you’ve tensed up your entire body, you’re so relaxed that any suggestion you make to your now-pliable mind will usually stick. In the past, I’ve been able to use this technique to dream about (a) saving a bus of tourists seconds before they plunge to their death above the Grand Canyon, (b) how I was really related to famous country singer (and botox-user) Kenny Rogers, (c) playing hide n’ go seek with Lionel Richie, (d) beating up Albert Einstein in one of those “two men enter, one man leave” Thunderdome-like cage matches, and (e) how I could eat three packets of crackers in less than a minute without drinking any water whatsoever. […]

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