Introducing The New Ten Commandments
October 4th, 2006
Isn’t it about time we did what the subject line up there says?
I mean, besides the old-time lingo with the thou shall not this and the don’t covet that, isn’t it time to write a new list of Ten Commandments for a new generation of sinners and annoying public nuisances? Isn’t it about time that the all-powerful list of ten rules to live your life by, come into the 21st Century along with the rest of us? Isn’t it about time?
Okay. I volunteer to revise them.
- “Thou shall have no other gods before me, unless they’re tight with movie or TV stars or have their own clothing line, wrist-band (with inspirational messages) or fast-food tie-in.”
- “Thou shall not eat an apple, place it in a single-ply paper towel, allow the apple-moisture to soak up into the single-ply paper towel and then leave it on a table somewhere for hours on end in the hopes that someone else will clean it up for you.”
- “Thou shall not use the phrases “so anyway”, “cool…cool”, “good times”, or “I hear ya” as a subtle way to communicate to a person on the other end of the phone line that you’re pretty much done talking to them and wanting to wrap up the conversation without just coming out and being honest about it in the first place.”
- “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s elaborate collection of candles, then go out and spend a small fortune on your own elaborate collection of candles that include (but are not limited to) such scents as: kiwi-strawberry, chocolate, coconut-pineapple, summer breeze and pomegranate-distraction.”
- “Thou shall not open the passenger-side window of any car on the freeway, stick your hand out, and pretend like your hand is flying thanks to the rapidly-blowing wind.”
- “Thou shall now be allowed to worship others thanks to this revised list of commandments, as long as thou worship those with more money, nicer cars and a house with at least five bathrooms.”
- “If thou cannot blow thy nose without sounding like a french horn, orchestra percussion section or slowly-dying moose, thou will not be allowed to blow thy nose in public.”
- “Thou may not buy books just for bookshelf display purposes only. Thou must read them or forget about them and magazines do not count for thee.”
- “Thou must know the capital of Washington State (no, not D.C.) or face the consequences and ridicule.”
- “Thou must stop drawing on drunk people’s faces with black magic marker after the age of 28 has passed.”
As always, I’m open to suggestions if I’ve missed a particular commandment that should be included.
I shall endeavour to lead a most pious life by your new commandments, St. Pauly.
And woot! One more year of drawing on drunk people’s faces with black magic marker!
Comment by James Cooper — October 4, 2006 @ 9:00 am
Now I know what I was atoning for yesterday. I have violated so many of these commandments so flagrantly… I can only hope that I’m forgiven.
Comment by Keith — October 4, 2006 @ 9:05 am
i can’t sign on to #6 because i think people with more money, nicer cars and/or a house with at least five bathrooms should be frowned upon, not worshipped, at least until i acquire that stuff.
Comment by dgm — October 4, 2006 @ 9:11 am
I am going to Pauly hell, that’s for sure.
Is it bad that I LIVE in Washington State and cannot remember our capital half the time?
Comment by Dave2 — October 4, 2006 @ 9:29 am
Dave - I don’t think so. No one in Olympia knows they live in the capital of Washington State either.
Comment by Pauly D — October 4, 2006 @ 9:46 am
I think number 8 is an especially good one. However, I do not think us non-US-ers should be tied by number 9.
I know the capital of most European countries, doesn’t that count?
Comment by Merel — October 4, 2006 @ 10:03 am
Thou shalt bum complacent people out with knowledge of impending disaster
like the one about the population growing by one billion souls every 12 years now…..until they laugh
Comment by Daniel — October 4, 2006 @ 10:07 am
i’m terrible at us geography. for years i had no idea that washington was a state, i thought it was the capital. maybe you should re-name the states, make it less confusing for anyone not from there.
Comment by better safe than sorry — October 4, 2006 @ 11:16 am
Paul I am shocked you did not write this one in stone: Thou shallt not serve only mayonaise with Roast Beef sandwiches.
Actually you could do several commandments on mayonaise.
Comment by Jerry — October 4, 2006 @ 11:22 am
#11 - Thou shalt never, when in conversation with another, start a sentence with the word “No” when the rest of your comment is in complete agreement with the other person’s statement!
Comment by susan — October 4, 2006 @ 1:37 pm
i have questions:
1. Does he need to have a blog? (if yes, please indicate the acceptable technorati ranking)
2. Does the apple have to be organic?
4. Assume for a while that this is the neighbour’s wife’s collection. Can you buy her candles? (hypothetical question, of course)
6. in special circumstances, don’t you think this could be potentially go contradictory to No.1? Please elaborate.
10. If you’d never done that while you were under 28, are you allowed at least once?
I also think, that this new and revised 10 C should include more suggestion and encouragement. it’ll be better, you know, like less Justin Timberlake, for example.
thank you.
Comment by treespotter — October 4, 2006 @ 2:11 pm
What are you talking about? I LOVE the hand-flying-outside-the-window-of-the-car maneuver! Maybe that’s cause I don’t ride in cars that much and therefore never got over the passenger age of 6. Or maybe I’m just un-Godly.
-E
Comment by Esmee — October 4, 2006 @ 7:21 pm
Thou shalt not say “Is there any butter?” or “Where’s the butter” when what thou meanst is “Will you get up and get me some butter already?”
Comment by cinekat — October 5, 2006 @ 5:56 am
Thou shalt not say “Is there any butter?” or “Where’s the butter” when what thou meanst is “Will you get up and get me some butter already?”
Comment by cinekat — October 5, 2006 @ 5:56 am
Though shall not eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with thy finger, ESPECIALLY if jar of peanut butter is not thy own.
Comment by Janet — October 5, 2006 @ 6:42 am
Bless me father, for I have sinned.
(I totally dig the line - “new generation of sinners.” perfect!)
Comment by Kathleen — October 5, 2006 @ 12:16 pm
Thou shall not give a record deal to anyone who sings about their “milkshakes” bringing “all the boys to the yard”.
Comment by jacquie — October 5, 2006 @ 6:24 pm
Ah screw it - just throw out all the commandments - then we’d have no sin whatsoever, just a bunch of people arguing all the time about which way is the best way and how anyway but my way will send you all to Hell.
Oh wait, that’s what we have now…
Comment by Alex Fayle — October 6, 2006 @ 12:02 am