WFME’s You Decide: Walking Around With A Ziploc Bag Filled With Water or A Severed Left Arm
September 25th, 2006
Maybe you have a talent at making decisions.
In doing so, maybe you’ve flexed your muscles with previous incarnations of WFME’s You Decide — where your democratic tendencies are allowed to breathe, stretch, contemplate and ruminate. Maybe you’ve found that when given two distinct choices, you feel your soul scream out from inside of you and you feel more alive than ever before. Or not.
Either way, it’s time for you to decide if you’d rather walk around with a ziploc bag filled with water or a severed left arm.
It’s not often you see someone walking around with a ziploc bag filled with water. Sure, people walk around with ziploc bags filled with carrots, celery, cookies, crackers, candy, slices of fruit, cold cuts, halves of sandwiches and so on. But a bag filled to the brim with clear, innocent spring water?
What would people think?
Personally, if I saw someone walking around with a ziploc bag filled with water, I’d want to know why they were carrying around a ziploc bag filled with water. I might even stop them and ask, “Hey my friend — why is it that you’re carrying around a ziploc bag filled with water?” Surprisingly, if it was me carrying the ziploc bag filled with water and you were the guy asking me that question about the ziploc bag filled with water, I’d probably respond back to you something like, “Well, water bottles are so bulky and they don’t fit in your pocket. But ziploc bags filled with water? So much easier.”
And you’d walk away thinking I was a loon.
But what about if I was walking around with a severed left hand? You know, the whole hand, cut off at the forearm. Now, it wouldn’t be bleeding or anything (I would have cauterized it prior to taking it out on the town) but I would carry it around everywhere I went. And you would probably want to know why I was carrying a severed left arm around with me so much so that you’d probably ask something like, “Hey my friend — why is it that you’re carrying around a severed left arm?” And if it was me being asked such a question, you’d probably get an answer like: “Um, it was my brother’s and, um, that’s all I have to say on the subject.”
And you’d walk away thinking that my brother was probably in some accident and I must love him a ton because I’m carrying around his severed left arm with me everywhere I went — you might even think to yourself something like, “Man, that Pauly is one emotional and family-loving sonuvabitch.”
And you’d be right.
And that’s why if I had the choice between carrying around a ziploc bag filled with water or a severed left arm — I would pick the severed left arm ten times out of ten times. Because some guy carrying around a ziploc bag filled with water is about five seconds from being thrown into an insane asylum because it makes zero sense to be walking around with a ziploc bag filled with water. But carrying a severed left arm? There’s some sanity to that, believe it or not, and you could probably even get onto an airplane these days with a severed left arm way before you could get on a plane with a ziploc bag filled with water.
It’s the difference between an overly-emotional guy fascinated with medical science and research and some crazy guy carrying around a ziploc bag filled with water.
Severed left arm. All the way.
I would totally pick the arm. Then I’d put it in a backpack and have the fingers stick out the top. Perfect for Halloween!
Comment by Hilary — September 25, 2006 @ 8:31 am
AND - severed left arms don’t have the potential to leak and cause an embarrassing wet spot on your pants.
Comment by Jeff — September 25, 2006 @ 9:47 am
Jeff - Well, most severed left arms don’t leak. At least, not after you’ve been carrying them around for awhile.
Comment by Pauly D — September 25, 2006 @ 10:53 am
“Why am I carrying this severed arm? Do you wanna meet the last guy who asked me that?”
Comment by nic — September 25, 2006 @ 10:58 am
i’m left handed, i’ll go with the bag of water.
Comment by better safe than sorry — September 25, 2006 @ 11:05 am
The hand would be pretty damned useful too.
I mean, you have an itch on your back that you can’t quite reach? Use the hand.
Or a scratch on your bum and you don’t want stinkfinger - use the hand. Or in any other potentially unsanitary situation - flush the toilet with it, push elevator buttons with it, slap your coworker’s ass with it — the possibilties are endless!
Comment by James Cooper — September 25, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
I’d go for the water - it makes a great water balloon and water balloons are fun and frolicksome, whereas throwing a severed arm at someone might be fun for the person throwing it but not for the person being smacked upside the head by the (likely slightly rotten) appendage.
Plus then there’d be the whole police thing to deal with. And I try to avoid the police whenever possible. Prolonged contact with the police provides more opportunities for the government to insert tracking chips in your head.
Comment by Alex Fayle — September 25, 2006 @ 12:48 pm
It went down like this: Freak accident, your buddy’s arm got severed. You brought him some ice in a ziploc bag to ease the pain. It melted of course, severed arm stubs are warm. He asked you to carry the ziploc bag and the severed arm, cuz he needs his only remaining hand for all those tasks James Cooper listed. What a good friend you are to handle all those nosy impertient questions on his behalf!
Comment by susan — September 25, 2006 @ 1:30 pm
I agree. You can use the arm as a weapon.
Comment by brooke — September 25, 2006 @ 6:57 pm
Screw using it as a weapon, a severed left arm is the ultimate deterrent to crime. No one will mess with a person carrying around a severed left arm. It provides a whole new visual image to the whole “you should see the other guy thing”.
Therefore: left arm. Totally!
The only question now is: where can I get one?
Comment by Gaby — September 26, 2006 @ 12:00 am
Oh…I think it woudl be the water. But….I would put Paulies action figure doll in there. With some goldfish. Now THAT would be worth essplainin’.
If I were to do the severed arm, I would stick in some vegetables, like carrots and onions and tell people a was making a New England Pot Roast, Dahmer-style. People would seriously move away from me on the train, thus garnering me a nice seat with lots of space.
Well, except for that drunk drooling on the seat in front of me, but, hey, still…
Comment by Julia Farley — September 26, 2006 @ 5:52 am
I think it all depends on the deco - is the arm tattooed? The hands manicured? The nails painted? Cause all of the above are great conversation-starters.
Also, having recently flown via Heathrow, I think the police are more likely to arrest you for carrying unknown fluids than for severed limbs these days…
Comment by cinekat — September 26, 2006 @ 6:50 am
The way this title read to me first was a choice between the bag and having your own left arm severed. Even with the clarification, the severed arm seems like a smellier choice.
Comment by Jeff E — October 4, 2006 @ 12:22 pm