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The Reason For No Conversation In Public Bathrooms (Or, Complicated Multiplication)
You think you know why people don’t talk to each other in public bathrooms, don’t you?
You think it’s because people feel uncomfortable when they walk into a public bathroom because there are prying eyes. You think it’s because people just would rather do their business and not try to have a lively conversation while doing it. You think it’s because people in stalls would just rather feel like they were alone, and because people at urinals would rather face the wall instead of interacting with friends, family or strangers.
But that’s not the reason for a lack of conversation in public bathrooms.
I was in a public bathroom a few weeks ago and found myself standing next to a friend. A friend who, prior to entering the public bathroom, was telling a wildly animated story about some run-in he had with his boss. In fact, as he reached for the public bathroom’s door he was saying something like, “…and then I threw my stapler at the bulletin board in the conference room and my boss walked in and-” — and then nothing. As he opened the door to the bathroom he went completely mute and made some kind of hand motion that looked like he wanted me to mix him up a drink…
And then he stood next to me at a urinal and said nothing.
But when I looked over at said recently-muted friend, I noticed something peculiar. His mouth was moving, as if he was talking to himself, but no sound was coming out. He continued to do it until he was finished, washed up, and then exited the bathroom the same time as me where he picked up his story right where he left of at. I turned to him and said something like, “I get that you didn’t want to tell your story in the bathroom, but what were you saying to yourself while you were taking a piss?”
He proceeded to tell me that, no – he wasn’t giving himself a pep talk. He was, in actuality, doing complicated three-column multiplication problems in his head in order to assist himself in the draining process.
I was stunned to say the least.
Over the last few weeks I have taken it upon myself to observe others in the public restroom and found that 9 out of 10 people mouth something to themselves under their breath as they go to the bathroom. I have asked 6 of those people what they were saying to themselves (the other 4 didn’t seem like they’d let me live after asking them) and each and every one of them was doing complicated multiplication problems in their head!
Is this the reason for no conversation in public bathrooms?
When pressed further, the individuals doing complicated multiplication underneath their breath while simultaneously standing in front of a urinal in a public bathroom, admitted that by doing said complicated multiplication they were allowing themselves to not think about the job at hand, making the job at hand easier and smoother than the alternative. Some did three-column multiplication, others did two column multiplication and the ones who stood there longer than any of the others did addition.
Apparently, addition takes forever in assisting the process.
As I spread my wings further and began to ask people NOT in public bathrooms OR standing in front or urinals if they participated in any of these arithmetic-processes while attempting to do their business, I began to tally the results and if I had the graphic abliity would present to you some kind of pie chart here and now. But instead, I’ll give you the breakdown percentage-wise of just what people are doing:
Out of 38 people interviewed:
- 42% Do 2-3 Column Multiplication Problems In Their Heads
- 28% Sing The Chorus To “Luka” By Suzanne Vega
- 11% Spell Random Words
- 7% Recite The First Six Words To The Gettysburg Address, Over and Over Again
- 5% Count The Change In Their Pockets
- 4% Dream Of A Better Day Involving Fondue
- 2% Make Their Mind Go Blank
- 1% Breathe In Through Their Mouth, Out Through Their Nose
It’s been a fascinating process in discovering that the majority of urinal users use complicated math to help themselves get through the process, although it’s far more interesting that the second biggest majority of people recite the chorus to “Luka” by Suzanne Vega. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Luka “lives on the second floor” and she’s “never seen you before.”
You can read into that one if you so choose.
In the meantime, I’d just like to let everyone know that the reason for no conversation in public bathrooms is that there’s a lot of math going on in there, and 3-column math at that — which if you ask me, is probably the hardest kind of multiplication you can do in your head since there’s all those carrying of the ones.
But then again, that’s just me.
all I can say is: this is one of the strangest posts I have ever read on this blog. And: yay! I am the first one to comment!
Are you serious? Luka? The Gettysburg Address?
I am so boring! I don’t think of anything special. I just look around at the bathroom and wonder when the last time it was cleaned (if it is public).
Is it just me or is today Friday?
This so doesn’t apply to women’s restrooms. You can overhear the best conversations while peeing. It’s a fact.
Hilary – That is totally interesting to me that men’s bathrooms (for the most part) are silent, compared to women’s.
God, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong this whole time. Now, off to go do some three-column multiplications!
now when my kids ask, “why do i need to learn this math? when am i EVER going to use it?” i will have an answer.
awesome.
The whole mommy thing really has taken over my life. I can’t remember the last time I was able to go into a stall without a little one attached. If it weren’t for the damn Costco auto flushers that have permanently freaked my daughter out from any alone potty stall time, then I might actually have some hope of trying 3 column multiplication in my head someday. Hmmm.
Yep…a strange one this is today.
Thank you Pauly! I’ve been pee-shy my entire life and hate using urinals. I could have to go so badly I can feel it bubbling up behind my teeth, but if someone steps up next to me (or even 4 over) at the urinals, you can bet I’m not going to be going any time soon.
Now I have a way around that – multiplication! If I make it complicated enough, I might be able to tune out that others are there!
But I doubt I’ll put it into practice much – I also hate urinals for the way your pee splashes back in tiny little droplets even if you’re really, really careful.
Why don’t you have your own talk show yet?
i don’t know if you get that commerical on TLC where you live, the life experiences, a guy talking to the guy in the next stall, trying to show him his new baby pics, it’s hilarious and makes a strong case for not talking to anyone in the mens room.
I agree with Kathleen. Why DON’T you have your own talk show yet?
I have a friend who suggests that any time you have a little trouble getting going, just picture peeing onto someone’s head. Like, someone’s head sticking up out of the urinal.
It kind of works.
LOL! I’ve always thought bathrooms and elevators are totally awkward — especially when you’re with your boss. Or someone famous. It’s like suddenly the power structure has dissolved and we’re just two people who need to poop. And I don’t want to be “that guy” (or in my case “that girl”) who corners some celebretatunt in a vulnerable moment where they may/may not get cell reception (the security blanket of todays up and coming former child-stars). Anyway, i think it’s totally weird guys all pee together standing up. But now that I know it’s all about math, I’m okay with it.
GREAT BLOG, PAUL!!!!
My challenge to you, my friend, is to find the one man who does all of those things at the same time (the one man OTHER THAN Jesus, that is).