I Want To Be Asked By Underage Kids To Buy Them Alcohol

Let’s get one thing straight before you scold me.

I’m not saying I’m going to buy underage kids alcohol, okay? I’m not suggesting that I would actually take cash from children (which they have obviously stolen from their parents’ wallets) and then walk into a 7-Eleven and buy them a six pack of beer. I’m not insinuating that I would accept a traveler’s check and then use my own money to purchase a bottle of tequila for a bunch of rugrats intent on feeling all adultish.

But I just want to be asked by underage kids to buy them alcohol.

If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve seen a movie or a TV show or heard a story from a friend of mine where underage kids approached adults and asked them to buy them beer or hard liquor by accosting them in front of a liquor store, I would probably have about $12 right about now. And while having $12 isn’t such a stunning development — the fact that I’ve seen such a thing happen twelve times, is.

So why is it that no one has ever asked me to do that for them?

Just like someone looking to get a number from someone they’re interested in that they meet in a bar waits around and lingers in the hopes that this “other person” asks them the question they’re hoping to be asked…I often do the same thing in front of the 7-Eleven near my home. I’ll buy a pack of gum and stand by the garbage pail out front and slowly undo the wrapper and place a few pieces of gum in my mouth and check my phone and e-mails long enough for these underage kids to see me standing there.

And then they walk right past me or accost some other, older looking person instead.

What? Do I not look OLD enough to buy you alcohol? Do you think that because I’m waiting around and looking desperate to be asked to buy you underage teenagers some brain-cell bursting beer, that I’m some narc or something? Is it that I’m wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt that makes you think I’m trying to be included in your little drunken club?

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

There’s a list of questions I want to be asked by people in the public and this is just one of them. But this is the most important of the bunch. If I could just be asked by underage kids to buy them alcohol, I wouldn’t care if I was asked by strangers if I was that guy who wrote that book… Or if I was a model. Or if I needed a backrub because I looked fatigued. Or if I was the inventor of velcro. Or if I would pretend to be their boyfriend for five minutes in an attempt to make their other boyfriend jealous. Or if I would just give them a lift so they could get on the roof to retrieve that frisbee. Or if I could shave their entire head bald for some school spirit football game rally kind of thing.

No, I’d rather just be asked by underage kids to buy them alcohol.

Now the parents out there are suddenly enraged. “Why would you even wish for something like this? Why would you even put the thought out there for underage kids? Why why why why why!?” But see, I wouldn’t actually go buy them anything, people. I wouldn’t do it. I swear. I’m not the kind of guy who wants to go to jail, because if I would go to jail I would be asked questions I wouldn’t definitely want to be asked like, “Do you like to cuddle?” which wouldn’t make me pleased to say the least.

But think about this: how many times did you want to be asked out, just to be asked out? How many times did you want someone to offer you a job just so you could turn it down? How many times did you want someone to throw themselves at you, just so you knew you were capable of being the subject of such a thing, and then turn them down with a superior ego attitude?

People like to be asked, to be considered for things, and it doesn’t mean they’d actually take part in anything. That’s why, I want to be asked by underage kids to buy them alcohol.

Potentially, I may be hanging out at the wrong place or wearing the wrong clothes or communicating the wrong vibe. Just for arguments sake purposes, I’m hanging out at the 7-Eleven, wearing jeans and a non-logo black or grey t-shirt, chewing some gum and checking my e-mails. Sometimes I hang out inside by the beer and wine and just peruse them for awhile when the teenagers and underage kids are in the candy aisle. That’s the scenario — please tell me if I’m doing anything to keep underage kids from asking me to buy them alcohol.

Any help in realizing this dream would be greatly appreciated.

13 comments on “I Want To Be Asked By Underage Kids To Buy Them Alcohol

  1. Sarcomical - September 16, 2006 at 11:16 am -

    i think your problem is that you need to try to look like a big burnout. it seems to me that kids might think you’re a little too “respectable-looking”.

    oh, and i’m sure you look waaay under 21, too. 😉

  2. Belinda - September 16, 2006 at 1:54 pm -

    What I really have a burning desire to know is, what awaits these young ne’er-do-wells, once they DO ask you to buy them liquor? A scathing lecture? A kick in the pants? A free phonecard? An AA brochure? And what does your appearance *suggest* their reward will be, should they choose to approach you? They might be afraid you’ll buy them beer, but then make them listen to a film treatment, or something.

  3. JM - September 16, 2006 at 3:22 pm -

    Dude, I would totally shoulder tap you.

  4. Alison - September 16, 2006 at 4:03 pm -

    I’m not underage. Will you buy me a six-pack anyway?

  5. Pauly D - September 16, 2006 at 4:19 pm -

    Belinda – If and WHEN they asked me, I would totally turn to them and give them “the look” and then walk away.

    Alison – Yeah, what brand?

  6. Lacy - September 16, 2006 at 5:11 pm -

    I’d like to request that you post a photo of the “the look”. Until then, it’s totally left up to the imagination and I don’t know if I can deal with that. Is it just a genereal “shame on you” look, or an “I’m going to beat you up” look? See, it’d be great if you gave someone a look that said,

    “Sure, I’ll hook ya up,” and then proceeded to walk away.
    or a look that said,
    “Hey, sexy,” and then walked away.
    or better yet, a look that screamed,
    “Oh god, you found me!” and then walked away.

  7. Alison - September 17, 2006 at 9:42 am -

    Hmmm. Any micro-ish brew will be fine. Life’s too short to drink bad beer. Thanks! 🙂

  8. Kyra - September 17, 2006 at 5:27 pm -

    Hmm… perhaps you LOOK like an undercover police officer? 🙂 Just an idea.

    but hey, not being asked to buy an underage group of kids alcohol isn’t as bad as having them offer to buy YOU a drink! 😉

  9. janej - September 17, 2006 at 7:48 pm -

    I was asked by two kids — 16-17 years old — about 5 years ago. They handed me $5 and asked me to get them a CASE of beer (that would have been a GREAT deal!!). I asked them how old they were and what their Mother’s names were. They left QUICKLY and didn’t even take back their money. Good way to make a few dollars!

  10. cinekat - September 18, 2006 at 6:06 am -

    I don’t mean to rub salt in your wounds but I’ve been asked a lot. My first reaction is either “Do I really come off like such a patsy?” or even worse “Damn, they saw through me! Am I that obvious a deviant?” (insert paranoid glances here). Not as much fun as you might think either way.

  11. James Cooper - September 18, 2006 at 10:34 am -

    I was asked to buy beer for some neighborhood kids when I was in college. Little did they know at the time that I wasn’t quite old enough to buy it myself.

    Now I’m not sure whether to be amused or horrified they thought I was that old though…

  12. Dustin - October 5, 2006 at 7:18 pm -

    Hey Its my birthday tommorow im turnin 13 and i wish u would buy me a sixpack.

  13. […] The rules are simple. Get some alcohol. (Disclaimer: WFME does not condone underage drinking, unless you can do it legally, with the purchase of an illegal ID that makes you suddenly legal enough to buy alcohol. WFME also does not encourage people to drink in excess, as it makes you dehydrated and that doesn’t feel so good.) Now that you’ve got some alcohol, here are the times you’ll have to take a swig while watching the show: […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.