Words for My Enjoyment

My Hair Stylist Says My Sideburn Has A Bald Spot

September 15th, 2006

I’m not quite sure how to react.

While it seems perfectly horrific for a hair stylist to point out you’ve got a bald spot on your head…and while I’m sure that it’s against the National Hair Sylist’s Code of Conduct to ever tell their clients that they’re losing their hair (for without clients and without hair there would be no hair sylists)… I’m not quite sure how to feel about the most recent “honest revelation” that she made in our last session.

That revelation: my hair stylist says my sideburn has a bald spot.

The moment it occured, I have to honestly say that I was taken aback. I mean, with most men you never kid about certain things. Those things? You never tell a guy he’s small, short, dwarflike, mini, has small hands or reminds you of your sister’s doll. You also never question his manhood, his ability to father a child or the fact that he may very well be losing hair in wanted places and gaining hair in unwanted places (i.e., ear lobes, neck, back, shoulders, eyelids, et al). But the sideburn coefficient treads lightly into the unknown area of male confidence.

Should the fact that my hair stylist thinks my right sideburn has a bald spot affect my ego?

When you start losing the hair on your head, there’s a distinct result that occurs. You look older, you may think people find you less attractive or that it reduces your sexual appeal (although Patrick Stewart might disagree with you) and it often psychologically causes people to do scary things with the wispy layers of hair they have left (see: combover). But what, psychologically, does having a sideburn bald spot do to the psyche?

For me, finding out I had a sideburn baldspot would have simply made me laugh. That is, until I had this soul-shaking conversation with my hair stylist:

Her: “I should probably take those sideburns up a bit.”
Me: “Naw, let’s leave them a little longer this time.”
Her: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Am I sure? Sure I’m sure. Why do you…?
Her: “Well…your right sideburn has a bald spot.”
Me: “My right sideburn has a bald spot?”
Her: “Yeah. Here. Look.”
Me: “I never noticed that before.”
Her: “Well I usually just take your sideburns down a bit so no one can see that you’re rapidly developing a sideburn bald spot.”
Me: “Rapidly…developing a sideburn bald spot?”
Her: “Should I not have said anything?”
Me: “Um… No, that’s fine.”
Her: “Look, I’ll just trim them shorter. No one will have to know.”
Me: “You make it sound like I have a contagious disease or something…”
Her: “Well, sideburn bald spots are the result of the body’s increased levels of certain chemicals…”
Me: “But it’s not a DISEASE.”
Her: “Let me just trim these sideburns shorter…you’ll thank me later.”

I’ll thank you later?

I would have much rather walked around oblivious with my horrific sideburn bald spot, happily jaunting around Los Angeles, going about my business instead of her pointing it out. Now, I’m faced with a secret that will only show it’s ugly face when I’ve let my sideburns grow a bit. And then, when they do — what will people around me think?

“Oh, how sad for him. He’s going bald in his right sideburn.”

You know, doesn’t the world (and all of us) have enough problems to deal with than to add another ailment to the mix? Aren’t we all struggling with accepting ourselves and the rest of the human beings around us without having to start second guessing our sideburns? Can’t hair stylists just continue to let their clients live in a dream world where highlights, combovers and sideburn bald spots exist together in a happy vacuum?

Apparently not, people. Apparently not.

Posted under Bald Spots, Hair, Sideburns. |