Some people say that Pretty Woman is a classic.
Ask a table of your friends at dinner which of them likes the movie and the majority of the table will go on and on about how great of a movie it actually is. Ask anyone if they like Julia Roberts and they’ll bring the movie up before any other. Ask anyone about Richard Gere, and it’s the only movie they’re sure he was in.
But posit this, my friends — what would happen if we switched up Pretty Woman by replacing Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin? Hmm? What then?
What was once a sweet (albeit skewed reality) romantic comedy about a rich lonely businessman who falls in love with a (very clean) prostitute and makes her feel like a princess and the two of them grow and fall head over heels each other while learning about being human… Turns into an even sweeter, more human wacky dramedy about a businessman who comes to Beverly Hills to get the ball rolling on a corporate takeover and runs right into a displaced CGI-Animated penguin who happens to be wandering the streets of Los Angeles.
The penguin would still be female, FYI.
Some of the greatest scenes from Pretty Woman would even become greater with our CGI-Animated penguin involved. For example:
Pretty Woman: Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts out to a fancy dinner where she can’t quite get the shellfish from slipping out of her utensils and falling onto the ground.
The NEW Pretty Woman (where we’ve replaced Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin): The penguin, known for its ability to forage for slippery crustaceans in the Anarctic has no problem de-shelling and eating everyone’s shellfish at the table before any of them have finished their piece of sourdough bread! Richard Gere is like, “Holy cow! You sure love shellfish!”
Pretty Woman: Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts to a polo match where she’s left alone for a few moments while Gere’s slimy friend (played by Seinfeld‘s Jason Alexander) rubs her arm and propositions her now that he’s become aware that she’s a hooker. Julia Roberts is annoyed, feels betrayed, and is extremely emotionally hurt.
The NEW Pretty Woman (where we’ve replaced Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin): Richard Gere takes the CGI-Animated penguin to a polo match where she’s left alone for a few moments while Gere’s slimy friend rubs the lower abdomen of the CGI-Animated penguin and says something gross like, “Hey, what do you say that when my friend Edward is done with you, that we get crazy and eat a ton of krill together?” The CGI-Animated penguin squeals with delight and you just know there’s going to be some out-of-control love triangle coming later in the climax of the flick.
Pretty Woman: Richard Gere presents Julia Roberts with a mysterious box, which he then opens to reveal a beautiful diamond necklace. As Julia Roberts reaches for it, he snaps back the box and she lets out this adorable, feminine squeal of delight!
The NEW Pretty Woman (where we’ve replaced Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin): Richard gere presents the CGI-Animated penguin a mysterious box, which he then opens to reveal a beautiful diamond necklace. As the CGI-Animated penguin reaches for it with her fin, he snaps back the box and our CGI-Animated penguin lets out this adorable, pengual squeal of delight!
These are just some examples. While I picked some of people’s favorite sequences from the movie, I have left out some moments like when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts have “sexual relations” on top of a piano (the black and white of the CGI-Animated penguin and the piano offer a unique allegorical moment here), the scene where Julia Roberts finds out she’s going to stay for the entire week and she submerges herself underneath the water of the huge bathtub (easily well-played by our CGI-Animated penguin) and the great musical Roy Orbison moment of the movie where Julia Roberts tries on many outfits on Rodeo Drive — which could only improve with a CGI-Animated penguin in her place.
See, Hollywood always goes for the safe choice. Look around. You’ll see what I mean. If they just had a little more risk in their diet they might have not only created a movie everyone felt passionate about, but also a movie that put two extremely dischordant elements together thereby creating the most family-friendly, nature-filled romantic comedy ever seen.
These ideas are not free, by the way.
Thoughts like these DO NOT come cheep cheep.