Santa Claus Is Not Real (And Neither Is The Tooth Fairy)
September 6th, 2006
It’s time that WFME served a purpose.
No, not just a jokey, surfacy purpose to make people giggle and chortle and laugh. No, after some soul searching it came to my attention that just like everyone else out there in the Blogosphere — it was time for WFME to actually contribute something worthwhile to the people of the digital realm. And since kids under 10 seem to be mastering this thing called the Internet better than any living creature on the face of the Earth…
I decided today would be as good a time as any to announce officially that Santa Claus is not real.
Sure, kids — your parents might have told you about Santa Claus and showed you pictures of Santa Claus and you’ve seen animated shows on TV about Santa Claus and there’s even books that include passages on old St. Nick in them. But the reality of the situation is that Santa Claus is simply not real. Write a letter to Santa Claus and see if you ever get a response. In fact, if you do, check the postage on the letter you got back and I’ll guarantee you 9 times out of 10 that the zip code is right there in your hometown. Meaning…yes - your parents probably wrote you that letter.
Try staying up on Christmas Eve and see what happens. Eventually your parents will tell you to go to sleep or else Santa Claus won’t come. Do you know why? Because he’s not real. Think about it. Have your parents ever said anything like, “If you don’t go to bed the UPS guy won’t come?” or “If you don’t go to bed, the IRS tax guy isn’t going to come?” or “If you don’t go to bed right now, the pizza we just ordered isn’t going to come?”
I didn’t think so.
The things that are not real in this world are the things you have to be asleep for “or they won’t come.” Same goes for the Easter Bunny, Chanukah Harry, the Washcloth Weaver, the Acorn Provider, Elijah, and a variety of other cultural and religious figures who only seem to exist in the moments when you aren’t conscious.
Yes, even the Tooth Fairy.
Think about that one for a second, kids. Your tooth falls out and your parents tell you that you need to put it underneath your pillow. Then, while you’re asleep some fairy makes her way past your home alarm system, defeats the motion sensors, makes her way into your room, without making a noise, sticks her grimey hands underneath your pillow and steals your tooth and then leaves a paltry sum of money there in return. Since when have you ever known any business dealing (besides the illegal kinds, except in Nevada) to involve money exchanging hands in a bedroom setting? You get me?
The Tooth Fairy isn’t real either.
Now if you’ve found your way to this post, you’re looking for answers. Your friends probably told you that Santa Claus wasn’t real and you wanted to know the truth and so you went to the one place that won’t sugarcoat reality. So if you’re here and you’re suddenly stunned to find out that everything your parents told you about Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy and Mechanic Mike is completely untrue… Well, I’m sorry.
But isn’t it nice to know that finally, for once in your life, you know what’s real and what’s not?
Don’t get me wrong — you can still play along so you get your presents in December and cash for your rotting teeth when they fall out. You can still retain that childlike innocence that gets you everything you want on a daily basis. You can continue to live that carefree lifestyle you love so much.
But at least now, the truth is in your hands.
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Be sure to come back to WFME next week for our next tough-love reveal for kids: “Actually, Yeah — Your Parents DO Love Your Siblings More Than You.”
No. Elijah is totally real. His wine glass is always a little less full toward the end of the seder. Then again, after four glasses of wine, maybe it just seems less full.
And the tooth fairy is real too. She even left me money when I accidentally swallowed my tooth and left her a note that read, “tooth in tummy.” Yep. She’s real.
Can’t vouch for Santa Claus though, being a Jew and all.
Comment by Hilary — September 6, 2006 @ 9:08 am
I always used that pizza line on my brother. “Go to sleep or the pizza guy won’t come.” Seemed to work
And I always wondered why my brother was thinner than me. Now I realize the folly of my ways.
Comment by kapgar — September 6, 2006 @ 9:17 am
I found it interesting that you took time to point out that money exchange in the bedroom is not the norm except in Nevada. Does this mean that, possibly, there really are toothfairies in my hometown? What would they have looked like?
Comment by Janet — September 6, 2006 @ 9:28 am
i wonder sometimes what i’ll tell my kids about santa claus and how long i’ll keep up the charade. it’s very dodgy, isn’t it?
Comment by Sarcomical — September 6, 2006 @ 9:40 am
No ‘Mechanic Mike’? What if I’ve met a mechanic named Mike? Was he real, Paul? Or, did my wicked parents make him up, too, just to give me fleeting false hope?
Comment by Will — September 6, 2006 @ 10:06 am
Will - The only Mechanic Mike that exists is the one who was a part of the 80’s band Mike & The Mechanics. Anything else your parents told you is a total fabrication.
Comment by Pauly D — September 6, 2006 @ 10:37 am
What a buzz killer you are! Maybe you’re not real and maybe all those lost blog entries you found are made-up too! As if! Harumph.
Comment by susan — September 6, 2006 @ 11:12 am
Oh and baby TomKat Suri… formerly known as the pashmina… now you’re going to tell me she’s fake? (well that mop of hair is)
Comment by susan — September 6, 2006 @ 11:14 am
Hanukkah Harry is completely real…. if you dad’s name is Harry, and you last name is Goldstein. It’s the magical tale of the wealthy jewish dad who buys you everything you wrote down on a list and gave him last week.
For the record, he crushes Santa Clause. First off, he’s real. Secondly, he can buy santa’s workshop, cut costs, maximize efficiency, and sell it for twice what he paid.
Comment by Jared — September 6, 2006 @ 11:19 am
Being the upstanding resident of Nevada that I am, I can attest to the fact that I have never exchanged money for services provided by the Tooth Fairy, in a bedroom or otherwise.
Comment by purpletwinkie — September 6, 2006 @ 11:47 am
WHAT?!?!?! No Santa? No Toothy? DAMN YOU!
Comment by monkeyinabox — September 6, 2006 @ 11:50 am
so does this mean my sister was also not lying when she said i was born under a rock?
Comment by dgm — September 6, 2006 @ 12:56 pm
Pfft, I see Santa all over the place around Christmas. A guy who can move so fast as to be in every mall and every street corner the world over and not only that but change height and weight from location to location, obviously he’s the real deal.
Hah, nuts to you Pauly — trying to convince me against something I can clearly see with my own two eyes.
Comment by James Cooper — September 6, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
Dude, next thing you know you’ll be telling us that hot women DON’T have topless pillow fight-filled slumber parties.
(If you do tell me that, I won’t be able to be your friend.)
Comment by Peter — September 6, 2006 @ 1:10 pm
Pauly,
It’s OK if you don’t believe in Santa. That just means more presents for me.
I win! You lose! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Sorry about that…I kind of lost it for a moment…
Comment by Flower Girl — September 6, 2006 @ 1:24 pm
somebody feeling a little grumpy when they wrote this blog?
Comment by better safe than sorry — September 6, 2006 @ 3:33 pm
Yeah, but…what about Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo?
Damn. All my myths are busted.
Perhaps that one that mom always told me about there being somebody for everybody is a crock of shit, too. I have no evidence to prove it and boatloads to dismiss. Sigh.
I bet everything goes down the Wepaons of Mass Destruction Hole. Into oblivion. Santa, Toothfairy, Mr. Hanky…bah and humbug. Did Geo. W. put you up to this????
Comment by Julia Farley — September 6, 2006 @ 3:44 pm
Being the youngest in the family, I knew early on Santa didn’t *physically* exist, but he and all the others exist on a different plane of reality (one that seems much more fun than this one!).
Comment by Alex Fayle — September 6, 2006 @ 11:13 pm
Wow, that really clarified matters, thanks! Now if only you could explain why every drier seems to possess a black hole consuming precisely one sock per cycle…
Comment by cinekat — September 7, 2006 @ 7:26 am
Oh that one’s easy. It’s a conspiracy between dryer manufacturers and sock makers. By having dryers eat socks, then people have to go out and buy more socks, thus ensuring that the sock industry doesn’t go into decline (which because of current flip-flop and crocs craze, it would otherwise).
Comment by Alex Fayle — September 7, 2006 @ 8:16 am
This is mean, and totally untrue. Why the heck would you ever trust some random guy called Paul Davidson? Don’t listen to him children. I’ve met Santa Claus and he is awesome. But he doesn’t wear red. Mostly browns and greys.
I’ve never met the Tooth Fairy, so I can’t tell you for definite that she’s real. But given that Santa Claus is, what shouldn’t she be too?
Comment by Pierce — September 8, 2006 @ 2:15 am
First of all Pauly, I love it when you say “blogosphere!”
Next you’re gonna tell those kids on Elm St that Freddy isn’t real either. I believe a person must be asleep to meet him as well.
Comment by Jacquie — September 8, 2006 @ 5:31 am
OK first of all I dont know if santas real or not and I’m 10, but i have a true story ok here it goes. When my mom was 10 years old she and her father were making some of the Christmas dinner for the next day. She heard a noise coming from upstairs, and she told me that her father said “oh its proably you’re uncle screwing around in the attic. So she goes along with it until…. she hears a knock at the door. She opens it to only see a fat man in red and a long white beard. He was holding a red sack my mom told me. She said to the man ” are those for me?” and the man said yes. My mother asked him a question ” Are you really santa claus? and the man replied back ” you’re very smart yes I am. Then my mom said thank you for the gifts, and santa said ” you’re welcome have a merry christmas. That is a true story my mom told me herself and I know my mom never lies to me.
Comment by Amy — August 28, 2007 @ 1:43 pm
you are an absolute JERK. Santa is completely real. Even if you dont believe in him, why do you have to ruin it for everyone else?
Comment by Isabella — December 2, 2008 @ 1:02 pm