Words for My Enjoyment

Re-Stating The Rules of ‘The Wave’

September 2nd, 2006

I can’t believe I have to do this again.

When I’m driving past you on the street in my car and I wave at you, you wave back. I don’t care if you think you know me or you’re not quite sure who it is that’s waving at you or the passenger side window is tinted or something… I don’t care if you believe that you should only wave to people you know… I don’t even care if you have a sore thumb from your Crackberry…

If someone waves, you wave back.

And while truckers don’t need to read any further here (since they almost always respond to waves with a myriad of follow-up hand motions and horn honking), the rest of you might want to re-familiarize yourself with the rules of waving.

1. If I am in a moving car and I wave while you are on the street in a stationary position, you must wave back.
2. If I am parked in a car listening to any music after 1971 and my window is rolled down and you walk by and I wave to you while smoking a cigarette, you must wave back.
3. If I am parked in a car listening to any music pre-1970 and my window is rolled down and you walk by and I wave to you while eating, smoking or doing any other active thing related to ingesting, breathing or speaking — you can supplant the wave with a peace sign.
4. If I am walking down the street with someone else, an animal on a leash or a group of children and you drive by in your car and I wave to you — you must wave back. Slowing down is optional.
5. If I am on a bicycle and I have the dexterity to wave to you in a car or walking on the street, you must wave back. If you do not, you are committing the worst non-waving offense ever since most people don’t have the coordination to wave and ride a bicycle at the same time without falling over.
6. If I am being led by a group of fraternity brothers with a blindfold on down a sidewalk, with one of those two-beer holding helmets on and I am currently ingesting two cans of beer as you drive by and you wave at me and my captors do not wave back, this too can be considered unacceptable. In proper form, if my captors see you wave to me (now blindfolded and drunk) while being led down the street, they must tell me someone just waved at me, the direction in which it came from, and then allow my hands to be unbound so I may wave back.
7. If you wave at me from inside your house as I walk past your house with animals, children or fellow adults — I have no responsibility to wave at you since I can’t see inside due to the glare of the wonderful sun [which will someday destroy planet Earth when it careens towards us like a ball of fire]. However, if I wave at you while I am walking by (denoting that I can see you even with the glare) then you must wave back since I have obviously gone out of my way to greet you even though you had zero intent on coming outside to talk to me.
8. If I am gardening and you walk by my house and I wave to you with gloves on, you must wave back. If you see me first, there gardening on my knees, and a wave is not enough to get my attention, you may clear your throat first and then wave. If after the clearing of your throat I still don’t look up, you are permitted to avoid the wave this time and this time only.
9. If I am picking up my dog’s feces on a lawn with a plastic bag when you drive by and wave at me, I am provided a “rain-check” on the wave since it involves feces. All rules related to waving can be ignored when feces is involved on either side of the equation. This means that if you have accidentally soiled yourself as you are driving past me as I walk down the street, you are not required to instigate or respond to a wave of any kind. (We’re good people, like that.)
10. If you wave with jazz hands (i.e., you flatten them out as far as they can go and you shake them back and forth like you’re a performer in a Broadway musical), I do not have to wave back.
11. If you wave a fist at me, I have the right to hit you in the face.
12. If you do not wave with the pre-determined required hand-form wave (which involves a subtle back and forth motion of a non-flattened hand), then I don’t have to respond to your half-handed lazy wave.
13. If I am wearing a T-shirt with any overrused pop culture infused phrases (i.e. “Wassssup”, “ATARI”, “I Brake For Texas”, “Have A Nice Day”, “Where’s The Beef”, et al), you don’t have to wave to me. But if as you pass me by I hit myself hard in the chest as if to say, “I so know this t-shirt logo and phrase is played out,” then I have redeemed myself and you must wave in the end.
14. If a disabled person who has lost portions of their fingers, whole fingers, or hands attempts to wave at you, you must stop what you’re doing, get out of your car (or park your bicycle) and approach the person and give them a hug while saying, “You know what man? You deserve a hug instead of a totally impersonal wave.”
15. If you’re not sure if someone has waved at you and you think they may have been swatting at annoying flies or bees, you must pause and wait to see if they make eye contact with you. Eye contact and flailing arms means someone wants your attention. A rapidly rotating head and flailing arms means they’re afraid of flying insects. Be aware. Be observant. Don’t let a wave pass you by because of your confusion.
16. Two waves going unresponded do not make a right.
17. A wave from a bush is, contrary to popular belief, not worth a wave in the hand.
18. People who live in houses that contain over 90% glass should not expect anyone to wave back at them, and as a result should not continually throw their waves from inside their glass houses. The reflection will keep anyone from seeing such waves, so it’s simply a waste of time.
19. Two waves squared (which is four waves) plus another two waves squared (which is another four waves) does indeed equal four waves squared (which is sixteen waves).
20. If a person of a different ethnicity waves at you and you’re not sure of their ethnic rules regarding waving, simply smile and nod your head. If that makes them mad, quickly wave as much as you can while running, pedaling or driving away as fast as you possibly can.
21. A wave that occurs outside of your 1/4 mile radius, is not for you to wave back at. Someone within the wavers’ 1/4 mile radius should pick up that part of the bargain. If you are right on the 1/4 mile radius border and another waver is also inside the 1/4 mile radius, the two of you should decide which individual will respond to the wave. There’s nothing more embarrassing than a two-hand response to a one-handed wave.
22. If you wave with any kind of food remnant on your hand, no one should feel the need to wave back since you are sullying the respect that goes with the wave. This also applies to a situation where someone waves at you with food particles on their hands. Just ignore them and go about your business. You should not encourage such horrific acts of unintelligence.
23. Waves at night must be lit by some externally powered light source. Street lights and house lights will simply not do. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t do any waving at night. However, if you have any kind of glow-in-the-dark paint that you can apply to your hand, then wave away all night long. As long as the recipient waver can see the shape of your hand glowing there in the night light, all the previously aforementioned rules apply.
24. As always, if you meet someone who is unaware of these rules, you must take the time to educate them.
25. Waving is a priviledge. Not a given. Remember that.

That being said, the rules of “the wave” continue to evolve and grow as we (the public) continue to troubleshoot and experience the myriad of situations in which the wave has been involved.

Some rules that are currently on the books for discussion include (but are not limited to): waving during “the wave” at professional sporting events, waving while surfing “a wave”, waving in mental aslyums or secure psychological help centers, how the wave should be dealt with in zero-G environments, facing sarcastic or egotistical wavers, and when someone waves in a forest and there’s no one there to see it.

I hope this has been helpful to all of you.

Posted under Rules, The Wave. |