Five Transcribed Notes As Left By The Jaded Tooth Fairy

Dear Jimmy,
What, have you never heard of flossing?
Love, The Tooth Fairy

Dear Hannah,
I got your adorable note about how your
molar should be worth $29 because of
something called ‘inflation’. I’d like to
make you aware of something called
‘racketeering’ instead. Here’s $2.
Love, The Tooth Fairy

Dear Bobby,
I’ve never quite heard of a single
molar having gingivitis on it’s own,
so thanks for introducing me to that.
Love, Me

Dear Heather,
Who decorated this room? I mean,
really.
Love, The Big T

Dear Mr. Aames,
Veneers don’t count. Thanks for
wasting my valuable time, bastard.
Love, T.F.

Words For Your Enjoyment: Dinner Parties

WFYE is back with a vengeance on today, your glorious Friday.

The time off has been glorious, as readers worldwide have submitted thousands of ideas and the powers that be have whittled said submitted ideas into a spry list of dozens — choosing some for future weeks and one for today. I hope that in explaining our selection process all those who submitted their ideas are pleased with the inner-workings.

But alas, let’s get down to today’s intriguing suggestion.

Jeanette P. writes: “Pauly – you’re always telling us about your experiences with celebrities and your run-ins but you hardly ever talk about your experiences with normal folk, like us…your humble readers! Do you ever hang out with real people? Do you ever take lunches with friends? What about dinner parties? Do you ever go to those? Write about that…I challenge you!”

I Am Afraid My Face Isn’t Symmetrical

Symmetry is the new hot.

Look around in the fashion mags or listen to the hosts of nighttime news magazines laud the hotness factor of stars with symmetrical faces. Marvel in wonder as people say things like, “her face is totally symmetrical and she will never have to work for a thing in life because of it…” Stare deer-like and stunnishly at people whose left side of their face and bone structure exactly match the right side of their face in a perfect bit of genetic architecture.

And then be afraid, like me, that your face isn’t symmetrical at all.

An Early Scene From My Untitled, Not Really Thought Out, New Screenplay

[Fade In]

Some guy walks into some kind of a public place wearing typical clothes for whatever time of year it is and approaches another character:

Guy: “Hi there.”
Other Character: “Oh my god, it’s you!”

[Insert ominous music here.]

Guy: “Yeah, it’s me. What do you mean by that?”
Other Character: “Well, you did that thing over at that place and everyone was amazed at what you did when you were over there doing your thing.”

[A third character walks into the place where they’re all at.]

Third Character: “What’s going on here?”
Other Character: “This guy over here is THAT GUY I was telling you about over at that place the other day.”
Third Character: “Are we safe?”
Other Character: “Well, that’s anyone’s guess.”
Guy: “Yeah, we might not be safe because of that thing that may happen any minute now.”

[A car of some kind crashes into a pole outside this place everyone’s at, and all three of our characters rush out of this non-descript place to witness the accident and see if the driver is okay. The driver is some kind of woman character and she stumbles out of the vehicle and onto the ground, gasping!]

Some Kind of Woman Character: [Gasping]
Third Character: “Are you okay?”
Some Kind of Woman Character: “We’ve got to hide, and quick!”
Guy: “They’re on their way here, aren’t they?”
Other Character: “They followed her!?”
Some Kind of Woman Character: “It’s true. They’re coming. Right now.”
Guy: “This is not good. Not good at all!”

[End Scene]

If I Was Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Cousin’s Cell-Mate’s Overly-Enthusiastic And Partially Egotistical Tennis Instructor

Let’s just say I’m a people person.

It would have to be the only explanation after meeting your sister for the first time and turning that chance meeting into a friendship that would ironically put me in the position to meet your sister’s best friend at the local watering hole late one night. And surprisingly, while drinking a drink in the suave way I would be drinking the drink and laughing about how I had ironically met your sister in the first place — your sister’s best friend would turn to me and wonder why she had lived so many years without crossing paths with me…

And it would just be the beginning in a long, twisting relationship that would span one sister, a best friend, some brothers, a cousin and some very unhappy convicted felons.