If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat

Really expensive coats are the new wallets, if you must know.

For years, men were ecstatic over getting wallets as gifts since it was one step up from getting ties and two steps up from getting money clips and three steps up from getting a fingerpainted picture of crap that doesn’t resemble anything living on the entire Earth. Yes, men were feeling pretty damn good about those damn wallets. But recently, it seems that really expensive coats have sent leather wallets booking the other direction. Seemingly, I’m one of those ecstatic men, gripping lovingly onto my brand new awesome expensive coat.

Which I probably wouldn’t use to smother out the flames on your body…if you happened to be on fire.

Show me a guy who happens to be on fire as a result of fiery falling debris or having some really bad luck when it comes to walking past open flames…and I’ll show you a person who is more than happy to take off their coat, use it to flatten out the flames, and walk away as a hero for the day. These people also fall into that category of “guys who like to use coats to make themselves look like dapper gentlemen” like those men who throw coats over puddles (so women can walk over them), over glass debris on the ground, and over invisible things that they pretend are there just to seem like they’re saving the day.

I don’t need to save no one.

First of all, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this — but if you use a coat to fan out the flames on someone’s body, you’ll quickly realize that by doing so you end up pushing the flames into their skin. And causing irreparable damage to their face. Watch any movie or real video where someone does this and more often than not the person will end up with 2nd and 3rd degree burns all over their hands and face. But try to fan out the flames with an “expensive coat” and watch the damage increase tenfold. That’s because expensive fabrics like leather and silk and suede will often act as an inflammatory instigator — causing the heat and damage of fire to exponentially rise.

So technically, by saying I wouldn’t use my expensive coat to fan out the flames on your burning body — that’s me being a really supportive, thoughtful kind of guy.

But the bigger reason for me not wanting to use my really expensive coat to fan out the flames of your soon-to-be charred, blackened body is that I don’t want you to freak out. I’ve tried to put myself in the position of someone who happens to have flames licking up and around their entire torso — and I’ve decided that it would freak me out if I was dealing with the pain and rolling around and such and then out of nowhere some stranger starts hitting me with his Members Only jacket.

I’d have nightmares forever.

But even worse, if that jacket was a really expensive one made out of leather — I’d forever have that horrible scent of burnt cowhide in my nostrils and I would never be able to shake it. Same goes for suede. That stuff stinks up a storm as well. All expensive fabrics when combined with fire and black death-smoke will always leave a scent behind that will trail you to your grave.

And do you want that kind of psychological stress? No. I didn’t think so.

So now that we’re on the same page with your burning body and my really expensive coat and me not using it to fan out the flames on your fireball of phantasm (i.e. body), I would like to tell you about some of the things I would most likely do in lieu of using my jacket to fan out the flames. These ideas are just off the top of my head as I type this out, so know that some of them might not work as well as others. They include:

  • Opening up my cell phone and calling for help.
  • Screaming for help while calling for help in tandem, on my cell phone.
  • Using my cell phone (while opened) to pat at the problem areas where you’ve already been burned, which will act as a turnicate of sorts to keep those sores from bubbling up.
  • Desperately search for someone with a bottle of water, which I will use to douse the flames currently engulfing you.
  • Push you into a fountain nearby.
  • Consult my mobile devices’ Google map program to locate a nearby fountain, thus fulfilling the previous “off the top of my head” idea for what I’d do if I didn’t want to use my really expensive coat to fan out the flames on your flame-filled body cavity.

In addition to not using my really expensive coat to fan out the flames of your burning body, I will also not use my really expensive coat to (a) cover your shoulders if you’re cold, (b) allow you to tie around your waist for some insane body butt-image mental game you’re playing with yourself, (c) ward off a pack of wolves currently intent on ripping you limb from limb in the wilderness, (d) slowly lilt and float your way down from a highrise currently on fire and resembling the events skillfully dramatized in the late 70’s flick The Towering Inferno, and to (e) wear, period.

I’m sort of possessive, if you must know.

That being said, I’m sure you’ll be okay. With some medical assistance. And some time.

Feel better, OK?

In other news, tomorrow is Friday, September 1st which means two very important things.

First, it means yet another “Words For Your Enjoyment” is coming your way. And second, it means that Janet who was evicted from WFME by her fellow commenters, will be allowed back into the fold as per the rules of being evicted. We’ll be presenting her words for your enjoyment tomorrow and find out just what she did to survive over these last few weeks.

16 comments on “If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat

  1. Rhea - August 31, 2006 at 6:31 am -

    Let me be the first to welcome Janet back. I wonder if she had to join a support group or anything.

  2. Peter - August 31, 2006 at 7:51 am -


    Easily one of my favourite posts in a while. Well-crafted, my man.

    “Push you into a fountain” slayed me.

  3. jacquie - August 31, 2006 at 8:20 am -

    so what if you had a really expensive cell phone, like a Treo or something. Would you still use it as a turnequette (which, as you have acknowleged, indeed would probably not work very well) on the problem areas?

    You just keep on lookin’ out for number one. I support you all the way (unless I’m the person in flames, that is)

  4. C(h)ristine - August 31, 2006 at 8:22 am -

    Dude you used “v!”

  5. Pauly D - August 31, 2006 at 8:23 am -

    Jacquie – Oh, I meant one of those disposable pre-paid cell phones. No way would I use my Blackberry to smother out your burning bod.

  6. Monica Ricci - August 31, 2006 at 8:29 am -

    A tourniquet is a piece of rope, cloth, (or perhaps the last tie you got for Father’s Day to go with your expensive coat) which is tied tightly around a limb to stop blood flow. A tourniquet has nothing to do with bubbling skin and would certainly not help in the case of a flaming human.

    No matter how hard you try, you can’t tie your cell phone around an arm with a bleeding wound. Even a fancy Treo won’t work. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. I’m a bummer that way sometimes, ain’t I? 🙂

  7. susan - August 31, 2006 at 8:57 am -

    You, possessive? nooooo…
    What about the ever popular and effective, yelling from a safe-for-your-coat distance: “STOP, DROP AND ROLL DUDE!!!!!”
    Janet? Janet’s been missing? Who’s Janet? Just kidding, welcome back Interplanet-Janet – I’m sure you’ve been stockpiling interesting comments.

  8. James Cooper - August 31, 2006 at 9:16 am -

    Would you at least stop dousing me with lighter fluid? I really don’t think that’s helping…

  9. Jared - August 31, 2006 at 10:16 am -

    It’s me, you, and my pregnant wife in an elevator. An earthquake occurs, killing the power and stopping the elevator. My wife goes into labor. Your assistance in the delivery of our child creates a family-like closeness between the 4 humans now in the elevator. My wife and I are wearing clothes made of cheap polyester that would surely cause my newborn skin problems if wrapped in them. Your coat is lined with luscious, baby-loving cotton. The wide-eyed child begins to shiver, as the elevator has gotten chilly since the power went out.

    Do you wrap my baby in your coat? (he’s a movie baby…all clean and cord-free)

  10. purpletwinkie - August 31, 2006 at 12:14 pm -

    I believe the real question is…

    Would you push me into the fountain even if I wasn’t on fire?

  11. Melissa - August 31, 2006 at 12:17 pm -

    It’s the same with women y’know, anyone can give me an expensive coat and I will take goooood care of it.

  12. Pauly D - August 31, 2006 at 12:48 pm -

    Jared – If it’s a movie baby, without any of the langua, then yes.

  13. Amy - August 31, 2006 at 7:31 pm -

    You are so very strange, Mr. Paul Davidson.

  14. Jared - September 1, 2006 at 6:30 am -

    Pauly – I totally stole that scene from a Saved by the Bell episode. Mr. Belding’s baby would be lucky to have you.

  15. Julia Farley - September 1, 2006 at 6:47 am -

    I think one should ALWAYS carry around a container of yogurt, the kind with the oreos crushed on top. That would feel *so* good being smothered over the en-flamed epidermis. Especially if you really grind in the cookie bits. You could put said container in the silk lined pocket of your beloved coat, Pauly, (that’s 3!) and appear to all the SuperPower that you really are. Then, you could tell the toy company to make the acoutrements available for your articulated SuperPower Pauly toy. I mean, come on Polly Pockets ain’t got nuttin on you. You could even have some of that spiffy rubber clothing in faux tweed. Or even a toy fountain to push all the other dolls into when they burst into spontaneous combustion at the mere sight of your handsome visage.

  16. […] honest apparently ruffles people’s feathers. Awhile back I had written a post about how if you had caught yourself on fire and I had just bought a pretty expensive coat, that I […]

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