Do you have a new car?
Does your car come equipped with one of those “OnStar” or “SOS” buttons inside it? The kind where, if god forbid your car was hanging off an embankment, you would press and scream into so the authorities would come as quickly as possible to save you? The kind that, without actually even having a telephone feature enabled in your car, still calls someone…somewhere, with the simple push of a button?
Mine does. And it’s quickly replaced the crank calls of yesteryear.
Here’s the thing. If you put a button in my car that actually calls up a real person whenever I press it… I’m going to eventually press the damn thing. And if by pushing said button, the person on the other line actually responds “What can I do for you, Mr. Davidson?” whenever I push it… You can bet big money that whenever I’m early to an appointment or looking for some good emotional support, that I’m going to push it.
I mean, doesn’t that make sense to you?
But since such call buttons are, in fact, supposed to be only used in the most dire of situations, it seems that my personal attache has grown a little bit tired of my antics… And has, surprisingly, kept track of each and every time I’ve called so he/she can throw it back into my face at any given time.
Don’t believe me? Check out yesterday’s transcript of my conversation with the disembodied help voice that comes through my stereo speakers when I press the mysterious button on the underside of my car’s rear view mirror:
[I press the button.]
The Voice: “What can I do for you, Mr. Davidson?”
Me: “Hey! How are you doing? Who’s this?”
The Voice: “This is Bradley, Mr. Davidson. Is there something I can do for you? Is everything OK?”
Me: “Well, I have an appointment to go to in a few minutes…”
The Voice: “Are you locked in your car?”
Me: “Haha, no. I’m not locked in my car!”
The Voice: “Are you lost?”
Me: “No, I printed out a Google map before I left. I’m pretty good about getting to where I need to go with plenty of time and I hardly ever get lost.”
The Voice: “So you’re not in any danger or need assistance in any way?”
Me: “Do I have to be in danger? I mean, can’t we just have a chat?”
The Voice: “While you’re sitting in your driveway, you mean?”
Me: “Driveway? I’m going to an appointment.”
The Voice: “Acutally, Mr. Davidson — our GPS shows you’re parked in your driveway, at your residence on file.”
[I debate this New World Order/Big Brother-esque development with serious embarrassment.]
Me: “Did I say I was on my WAY to an appointment? I meant, I was killing time before going to one.”
The Voice: “Killing time like the last…let’s see here…twelve times you’ve pressed the Assistance button for no reason whatsoever?”
Me: “Right. Yeah, um…so — how do I hang this thing up?”
The Voice: “Oh, I’ll do that for you.”
Even the new crank calling is starting to not be so fun anymore.
In other news, I’ll be attending the EMMY’s tonight — so look for me in the audience and a full recap post about the awards, the parties and everything else come tomorrow!