WFME’s Male-Centric You Decide: A Painless Nail In The Head or A Weekly Pedicure?

Today’s decision is almost a non-issue.

And when I say that today’s decision is almost a non-issue, it means that there’s really no question whatsoever as to which choice most of the male WFME readers will choose. Faced with having a nail painlessly lodged into our heads (and a really cool story to tell) or having to face the humiliation of getting a pedicure on a weekly basis…well…

We men know which one to choose.

I will come straight out and tell you that I had a horrific pedicure experience recently. I was blindly forced into this “right of passage” by being convinced that it would be the most amazing experience I would have ever had. There would be massages given to me by women, who would be fawning all over me, rubbing oils and creams over my body parts. Shoulder massages, neck rubs and attention the likes of which I had never had before.

Yes, I’d rather have a nail lodged in my head.

The experience of having a pedicure is more like a scene out of an Amnesty International warning pamphlet. You are made to sit in an uncomfortable position for minutes on end, with your native language nowhere to be heard. Then, like a spy with sensitive and classified information, sharp metallic objects are jammed into sensitive parts of your body, followed by acidic oils, creams that feel like they have shards of glass peppered throughout… And that’s way before the manhandling even begins.

A nail in the head is a swift, quick shot — and then it’s over.

Women will disagree almost immediately. They will rave about the orgasmic-like pedicure as if it is their own personal Nirvana. Many are addicted to the stuff and swear up and down that without such an experience they would be lost in this world. And some of the elite few will never cease to convince you (like a cult, per se) that if you just “try it once” your eyes will be opened immediately to the majesty that is, um, someone jamming sharp objects under your toenails.

But worse than the sharp metallic scrapers and the cuticle-pushing rods and the sandpaper like creams and the acidic, skin-burning liquids is the fact that while I am being subjected to an experience that would consistute a nightmare if I suddenly woke up from a dream that resembled a similar situation — is that everyone around me is talking about me in a different language.

Trust me when I tell you that I know when people are talking about me.

And as I look around that stripmalled, dry-walled cookie-cutter foot-punishing mind-freak, I can tell you that the idea of having someone with a nail gun rush up to my side and quickly shoot a nail into the left quadrant of my head seems way more humane than anything a weekly pedicure would entail.

But that’s just me.

26 comments on “WFME’s Male-Centric You Decide: A Painless Nail In The Head or A Weekly Pedicure?

  1. Julia Farley - August 23, 2006 at 7:42 am -

    Personally, I can’t huff acetone like I used to. And somewhere in the back of my mind I remember some show about all the lovely fungus and infection that can be spread whilst they play with your piggies. I would rather zap my eye with a staple gun than sit for an hour in a Thai speaking box called “Completed Nail Care!!” while tiny women yell in gutteral clacking shrieks about kim chee and how my feet look like their grandmothers rutagaba’s back in Thailand. Once the headache subsides from my temporal lobe, and I can feel my lips once more, I am more than happy to pay to get the fuck out.

    Only once. Once once did I experience that torture of which you speak.

  2. Flower Girl - August 23, 2006 at 7:46 am -

    Ooo…sounds like a VERY unpleasant experience. Who subjected you to this?

    Things to look for – a meticulously clean salon, a salon with massaging recliners in which to sit while you are getting your pedicure, friendly technicians who – even if English is not their native tongue – can converse with you if you so choose.

    I say give it another go at a nicer salon. And if you have sensitive feet (that don’t like the scouring part) they don’t have to do any of the steps you don’t want.

    But don’t you have a lady in your life who would just give you a decent foot rub, if that’s all you’re after?!

  3. Jeff - August 23, 2006 at 7:49 am -

    So what color did you choose?

  4. Pauly D - August 23, 2006 at 7:56 am -

    Jeff – Turquoise.

  5. ms. sizzle - August 23, 2006 at 8:02 am -

    I think you just had a bad pedicurist. But yeah, you are totally right about them talking about you. They talk about me too but I just turn up the vibrating massage chair and ignore their chatter. 🙂

  6. annabel lee - August 23, 2006 at 8:07 am -

    I love getting manis/pedis. But then, I’m a girly girl. And Pauly, as we all know, is not a girly man.

  7. monkeyinabox - August 23, 2006 at 8:16 am -

    Annabel – usually not, but I’ve seen Pauly do a shimmy, that would make you think twice.

  8. dgm - August 23, 2006 at 9:02 am -

    i think we’re on the same page with this one. i would rather see a guy take a nail through the head than to see one sitting in the chair getting a pedi. the latter makes me cringe.

  9. James Cooper - August 23, 2006 at 10:36 am -

    Both my girlfriend and one of my coworkers keep touting the marvelous wonder that is a pedicure but I’ve held out thus far. Thanks for justifying my skepticism Pauly, you’ve saved me from much potential suffering.

  10. Sarcomical - August 23, 2006 at 11:07 am -

    pauly, i think you might know how i feel about feet.

    so why did you put that picture of a foot up there for me to have to look at?

  11. Pauly D - August 23, 2006 at 11:11 am -

    Sarcom – That’s a picture of YOUR feet. Don’t you remember submitting them for a WFYE post?

  12. jerry - August 23, 2006 at 1:36 pm -

    guys always attach some anticipation sexual in nature to things like pedicures and massages. Seldom, if it is a reputtable joint, does it go that way. You have to remember these women are doing countless feet a day for a living, not for pleasure. Many aren’t even here legally so they got that hanging over their shoulder all day. They probably hate men because we go in there fantasizing about some petite “me so horny” type starting at the toes and working way up the leg. So, Pauly if you had a bad experience, she had a A-hole before you and your feet got the brunt of her anger and anxiety.

    Always go with the nail to the head. Always.

  13. cdub - August 23, 2006 at 3:05 pm -

    Paul – I believe you just had a bad experience. And, perhaps it was because it was your first – were your feet in bad shape?

    I swear by regular pedicures at strip-mall salons with employees who are obviously trafficked from their native country. But, there is an important rule to follow: choose the most boisterous, gregarious, broken-English speaker as your pedicurist. Fun is sure to follow.

    I actually initiated my male roommate to the beauty of the pedicure. We went together and he has been getting regular pedicures ever since.

    I say try it again – you might like it!

  14. Brooke - August 23, 2006 at 4:05 pm -

    Beauty is pain.

  15. Jennifer - August 23, 2006 at 4:06 pm -

    I can see the negatives for a man having a pedicure. But for me – and I am not officially a member of the Girly Girl Society – they are among the seven wonders of the pampered world. I recently wrote that I was having my annual spa day, topped off with a pedicure. And revealed to the webby wide world that, in my humble opinion, having a pedicure is the best “topping off” a girl can have in public without fear of arrest.

    Serious. Business.

  16. thoughtsgalore - August 23, 2006 at 4:13 pm -

    There is just something wrong with you! There…I’ve said it! LOL. That’s is the biggest bunch of quirky crap. Babe…issues…you…have. I could understand your no coffee thing. Ok. Your produce shopping dislikes. Fine. Sandpaper Elbow lurker….of course. I draw the line with Pedi Bashing!!!!!

    If you knew how much I’ve spent on all my manis and pedis. You just need to let go and and let the pampering take you away. 🙂 Ok, you’re right…you’d much rather have the nail.

  17. better safe than sorry - August 23, 2006 at 6:33 pm -

    noooooooooo, pedicures are good. you must have had a bad one. seriously, give it another try, remember, you’re worth it;)

  18. Bre - August 24, 2006 at 6:22 am -

    I’m not really quite sure what your pedicurist was jaming underneath your toenails (do you have a fungus or something?!!?!) but I, as predicted, will come down firmly in the pedicure camp. My bi-weekly way of spoiling myself.

    ahhhhhh! 🙂

  19. Karl - August 24, 2006 at 7:05 am -

    Wow, and I was thinking of getting a pedicure today. I think you may have saved me, Pauly.

  20. Flower Girl - August 24, 2006 at 7:22 am -

    This post made me go home and give myself a pedicure last night. Damn, my feets looks purty…

  21. Pauly D - August 24, 2006 at 8:29 am -

    Bre – Just to get this out of the way…the pedicurist was using the same tools she uses on everyone. But man, they HURT. It’s not pleasant at all.

    Karl – Here for you, buddy.

    FG – I hope you had more fun than I did.

  22. Dariush - August 24, 2006 at 10:17 am -

    Seeing as how I have enough holes in my head as is, i’m gonna go with pedicure.

    Good looking feet are quite the awesome thing, you know.

  23. Heather Meadows - August 26, 2006 at 7:32 pm -

    This is my first post here!

    I had my first pedicure not too long ago. It wasn’t extremely unpleasant, but I wouldn’t call it heaven. It was nice afterwards to have pretty painted toenails, though.

  24. jimi - August 27, 2006 at 12:41 am -

    This only tangentially relates to the post, but it reminded me of something i saw online last year – don’t know if you saw this or not, but, wow. Sad, i come back from being in Malawi for three months, and this is the best i can do at the moment, but it will have to do.

  25. […] You chose between getting hit in the head with an anvil or a dead kangaroo. A bird in the hand or a bird in the bush. Coughing up a lung or a small ferrett. A painless nail in the head or a weekly pedicure and walking around with a ziploc bag filled with water or a severed left arm. They were tough choices that, surprisingly, pale in comparison to your next enigmatic choice. A choice so tough, it will shake you to the core. […]

  26. […] I’d clip my toenails, I’d clip yours too, I’d eat a danish, moldy through and through. […]

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