I just thought that you should know that when I was standing behind you the other day at the video store and you reached into your pocket to get your wallet that your arms sort of shifted in your short sleeve shirt so that when you reached into your back pocket your normally covered elbows peeked out from underneath your shirt sleeve. And it was in that one moment that a hybrid horror and home improvement panic washed over me and caused me to drop my Hot Tamales.
Thing is, your elbow looks like sandpaper.
Part of me wanted to reach out and brush up against your elbow with the edge of my cell phone mostly because I’ve dropped that cell phone on the street a few times and it’s all rough around the plastic edges. But if I had some fine grade sandpaper that I could rub up against the cell phone, I think that would do the trick and smooth out all those jagged plastic scratches.
Or your elbow could do the job too — seeing as though you’re Elbow Sandpaper Guy.
The thing is, I’ve seen a lot of fine-grade elbow sandpaper people over my lifetime. The kind of white, ashy look that makes it seem like you dipped your elbows in your great aunt’s ash urn as your last “getting ready” cosmetic step before leaving the house. But alas, you have not — these are just the breaks when it comes to having the kind of genes that predetermine ashy, white fine-grade sandpaper elbows. But the thing is, you stick a few dollups of cream on those babies and you’re as good as new.
But you, Mr. Elbow Sandpaper Guy… Well, you’re like the color red on the Homeland Security terror level chart. Oh, you haven’t heard of that chart? Let me break it down for you:
At the very bottom there’s a Low Risk of Sandpaper Elbow. That’s not you. That’s a faint discoloration of one’s elbow, with minor or barely noticeable crust of any kind. But once you graduate to Guarded Sandpaper Elbow the crust begins to form. That’s where you start wearing long sleeve shirts or shirts with longer short sleeves (the kind of billowy kinds) so people won’t see the crust that’s beginning to form in and around the wrinkles of your elbow. But when you step into the Elevated Sandpaper Elbow that crust has started to form crust on top of crust, making your elbow bleedy and chasm-like when you rub your fingers across it. Let’s face it, by the time that elbow has become crusty and elevated no cream is going to get rid of it overnight. But when you elbow crust reaches the High level, all bets are off. There’s no pink left on that elbow of yours and there’s no amount of explaining that will make it seem okay.
But you, Mr. Elbow Sandpaper Guy? You’re at the Severe level. The kind of level where I want to use your blackened rough sandpaper elbow to finish off that crown molding I just put up in my house. The kind of level where I’d like to use your elbow to turn that wood carving from a blocky figure into a smooth-looking book-end. Your elbow is Severly overboard and the only real solution was for me to write you this letter.
I hope this letter finds you and your sandpapery elbows in good spirits.
And I hope it does some good.