Today’s Stunning Supermarket Admission #329
August 18th, 2006
I have spent much of my life admitting to some pretty stunning supermarket admissions.
There was the one where I admitted to tasting “free candy” over and over again from those “free tasting bins.” There was the time I admitted to going into the “10 Items or Less / Cash Only” checkout lane with thirty items and an ATM Debit card. And there was also that time I admitted to opening a box of cereal, taking out the prize, and leaving said opened box behind.
But today, I give you Stunning Supermarket Admission #329.
Today’s admission is something I am not proud of. In fact, some of you might label me a troublemaker or a malcontent. Today’s admission might come out of left field and change your opinion of me to the point of hatred bubbling up inside of you. Today’s admission might even make you say something like, “Hey, today’s admission has made me decide that Pauly is a troublemaker and a malcontent and it sure came out of left field and has totally changed my opinion of him. Come to think of it, I sort of feel hate bubbling up inside of me.”
The fact of the matter is this: anywhere there is a deli counter that has one of those candy-red “take a number” dispensers… anytime no one else is using the “take a number” device because there’s hardly anyone waiting for help… that is just the time that I will take a number, stand next to you, and hold it out in front of me as if to say, “I took a number and since you didn’t take a number because you were the only person standing here, well, now you’re going to have to take a number because I took a number…”
That’s why I wrote “as if to say” instead of “here’s what I say” because that sentence is a little wordy.
Often the digital readout above the plastic Boar’s Head plastic wall hanging reads “87″ and the number I’ve picked from the “take a number kiosk” is “12.” But no matter. I’m still next. That’s because you don’t even have a number, and if you go ahead and pick a number you’ll get “13″ and that’s one past me.
I’m next now, and I plan to fight for my next-ness with my wafer thin slip o’ number.
You often look at me with confusion and annoyance. There’s no need to take a number, you think to yourself, since there’s only two of us. And since I was standing here first, I’m next. But the reality is, these number kiosks wouldn’t be here if the powers-that-be didn’t want to put order into supermarket deli counter chaos. Without the picking of a number, we are nothing more than barbarians who hunt and gather for our next plastic wrapped slab of cheese.
Me: “I’ve got number 12.”
Her: “But I was here first.”
Deli Guy: “It does say pick a number, ma’am.”
Her: “But…”
Me: “I’ll have a pound of pepper jack, please…”
You may think of me as a small man for choosing to wield my pepper jack power at the most inopportune times. You may color me evil and vilify me for my pick-a-number power struggle. You may wonder how black my Boar’s Head heart can be.
Then again, you may do the same thing and in much the same way that you keep people from merging into your lane on the freeway if they wait too long to do so.
Oh, don’t get me wrong here - I’m not proud of what I do.
But it is fun.
I’m a number taker too. But I would never ever call “her” ma’am. It’s miss all the way.
Comment by Hilary — August 18, 2006 @ 9:13 am
Oh you tricky bastard! Next thing we know, you’ll be admitting to stealing all the Kids Cookie Club cookies and leaving the hordes of kids with nothing but crumbs!
Comment by Kevin — August 18, 2006 @ 9:34 am
I, too, take a number and then I laugh at those who didn’t. Duh.
Comment by AMY — August 18, 2006 @ 9:57 am
i don’t let people merge in my lane unless we’re toward the back of the line…because then it could have been an honest mistake…but if it’s at the front and i’ve been waiting through the whole line then you’re shit out of luck…you saw the 50 cars waiting and you chose not to get in when you should have…i know…i’m a bitch…
Comment by wendi — August 18, 2006 @ 10:43 am
Not only am I an occasional number-taker like you, but I also act all ‘put upon’ if I have to actually count EXACTLY TWELVE items for the express lane. I always do a quick glance at my stuff, huff loudly, and get in line.
Comment by Rhea — August 18, 2006 @ 11:12 am
Even more fun - take 5 numbers, and then each time they call the next number step up and order more stuff. That’ll teach the non-number-takers!
Comment by Jeff — August 18, 2006 @ 11:25 am
Too funny. Are all supermarket delis the same? You wrote this as though you were standing right next to me at the counter last week where, I too, took a number with only one other person waiting. Was that you?
Comment by fringes — August 18, 2006 @ 11:43 am
I confess that when, in the supermarket, I am jumping from blue tile to blue tile avoiding the red ones because they are lava and I find myself out of any blue ones to jump to, I change the lava to the blue tiles and jump on the red. I really hate to lose.
Comment by Jerry — August 18, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
ma’am, i guess you were a boy scout.
Comment by better safe than sorry — August 18, 2006 @ 1:55 pm
But what if I DID take a number, hid it in my pocket, and then MY number was called. Ha. I’m before you Mr. Pepperjack Cheese.
Comment by Andrea — August 18, 2006 @ 2:50 pm
Do we have to take a number to comment here? Should we form a line? It’s really disorganized…
You might want to develop a take-a-number system for your blog…
Comment by The Centaur — August 18, 2006 @ 3:04 pm
Mmmmm… pepper jack…
Comment by SecretlySage — August 18, 2006 @ 4:59 pm
Ah, my brother, come down to my end of the bar and let’s us have a drink. My retail sticking point is that if I’m waiting at an open checkout counter–such as they have at movie stores and pharmacies–instead of individual lanes such as they have at supermarkets and Wal-mart, I will always stand a few feet back from the two or three people working the registers. That way, I go to the next cashier open (and you often hear them ask, “Can I help who’s next?” which I don’t think is grammatically correct, but never mind).
The hell of it comes when someone else shows up and decides he’s going to stand directly behind one of the folks checking out, thus forming two lines. But I’m next, and will say so–or sometimes I’ll inform the person with a certain poisoned courtesy that the line forms behind me.
A few times, this has led to arguments:
Me: Excuse me, the line forms here and I’m next.
Him: But there’s two cashiers!
Me: Yes, but only one line. And I’m standing at the front of it.
Him: There’s no line! There’s just you.
Cashier: Can I help who’s next?
Me: That would be me…
Preach it brother!
Comment by Magazine Man — August 18, 2006 @ 10:35 pm
Centaur - A number system, eh? For commenting? Let me work on that for a few days and I’ll try to get something working for you.
MM - Grr, I hate that. I often hop back and forth between both lines so people think I’m (a) unstable and (b) someone to not mess with. It usually works.
Comment by Pauly D — August 19, 2006 @ 2:05 pm
How about if the CHECKER PERSON (who HAS this job) POINTS at the next person in line and says I’ll help you, instead of letting that big slob jump in front of all the people in the lines. (This includes YOU buster, the one who wants the pound of hot cheese…) I have, on occasion, stepped in front of the slob and said, I was next and received a lot of big sighs and whispers uttered they dare not say aloud. Wonder what they’re like in the real world?
Comment by Janej — August 19, 2006 @ 7:34 pm