I Want To Do Ludicrous Things That You May Actually Also Want To Do As Well
August 15th, 2006
Let’s talk about eating spackle.
I was doing some spackling last night and as I was scooping the fluffy white marshmallowy spackle out of it’s plastic serving bowl (er, container) onto my metal spackling spoon and lifting it up towards the drywall, I just kept thinking how easy it would be to scoop some of that spackle into my mouth instead of onto the wall.
And while I wanted to do such a ludicrous thing at that very non-ludicrous moment, I realized that while you may actually consider such a consideration ludicrously ludicrous — it’s something you may actually also want to do as well.
There’s a list of things I’d like to address that I’ve been wanting to do lately that fall under the ludicrous category and which I will probably never (nay, ever) do, but which I toy with in my mind on a daily (nay, hourly) basis and which makes me both ludicrous and crazy, but sane at the same time. For while I may toy with the ludicrousness of it all, the fact that I categorize such things as ludicrous means that I am in fact, sane.
Just like you. (Even though you may actually also want to do these things as well.)
- Ram my car into pedestrians: Yes. I want to ram my car into people on the sidewalks. I think this urge stems from a childhood video game called Crazy Taxi where you had to pick up fares and deliver them to their destinations as quick as you possibly could. I rammed them instead. Most of the time they got out of the way in time so they never got hurt and it got me to thinking about whether or not real (non video game like) people would do the same thing. Still, to this day, I still toy with ramming my car into pedestrians without any warning whatsoever (not even a horn honk). So sue me. You want to do this too.
- Drink cleaning fluid or Windex: Any bottle that tells me I shouldn’t drink what’s inside, automatically makes me curious about what really would happen to me if I drank what’s inside. The more unique of a color that the liquid has (Liquid Plummer has a flourescent alien-like out of this world green hue) the more I want to drink the fluid. Windex is a wonderful choice because it’s a pretty electric blue like the sky of a far off alien world. So, pretty much I want to drink any liquid that seems like it’s from another planet. And so do you.
- Shove my head through the bars of a stairwell grating: If the Cirque du Soleil people can get out of sticky and uncomfortably constraining conditions then I can probably shove my head through some metal bars on the edge of a stairwell and get my head back out. Here’s the thing, if you can get your head in — you can get your head out. Enough said. Mind you, it may not be that easy — and that no-turning back moment when your head is just about to POP through the bars is freaky… I still want to shove my head through the bars of a stairwell grating to see what will happen next. You’re curious about it too, admit it.
- Pretend to be a doctor in a high pressure, high stakes situation: Could be someone choking in a restaurant. Might be someone who was shot in a bank robbery gone bad. Potentially may involve a pregnant woman giving birth in an elevator. Much like Leo DiCaprio did in Catch Me If You Can, I would like to pretend to be a doctor and see how far I can take it. Hell, I could even clear a breathing path for you if you had an obstruction in your lungs by taking an everyday looking pen, open it up, discard the spring inside, and then JAM THAT THING in your throat. I’ve seen it done a thousand times on TV and I would like to put such a practical education to good use in the real world. You just want to do the Heimlich — which is close enough.
- Attack a bear: Bears are always attacking us, so why the hell shouldn’t we attack them every once in awhile and steal THEIR food? I’ve been camping now and again and we’ve seen bears walking around looking dopey with fish hanging from their mouths and the rangers always whisper for you to cautiously walk the other direction and leave them. Well you know what? For once in my life I’d like to take off my Harley Davidson motorcycle boot/shoe (no, I don’t ride a motorcycle) and hit that bear in the head. He deserves it. And you agree.
- Tell a police officer who has just pulled me over that I will “see him in court” and that he “will face the full wrath of my legal skillz”: Oh, actually I already did this one. And lived to tell the tale. And won the case. Moving on.
- Teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget: This one is self explanatory. Basically, I will teach you a lesson. The lesson will be the kind of lesson you won’t soon forget. And then after that, well, I could do it again but why do it a second time if you won’t ever forget the first time. See how effective that is?
Other than you wanting to do these ludicrous things (that I also want to do) — what else is on your mind?
dude i want to do all these things, too!
Comment by C(h)ristine — August 15, 2006 @ 8:43 am
C(h) - We are so on the same page, sistah.
Comment by Pauly D — August 15, 2006 @ 8:52 am
Sometimes I want to prepare a dinner with ingredients that make no sense whatsoever when combined….especially when Matt’s parents are over - knowing they would never complain, but eat every bit of food that’s on their plate and smile.
Comment by sarah — August 15, 2006 @ 8:58 am
#2 - You could always get the hooker from “A Man With Two Brains” to try it. She wouldn’t mind.
Comment by Jeff — August 15, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Oh no. He’s not about to bust out any ordinary legal skills on this police officer. He’s going all out, balls to the wall and educatin’ him wit som old school law SKILLZ.
The Z certainly makes all the difference.
Of course that won’t stop dat five-oh from slappin’ da cuffz on Paul-ee.
Comment by Kevin — August 15, 2006 @ 9:28 am
ahhahahaha, now that’s comedy!
Comment by maharet — August 15, 2006 @ 9:51 am
Do you realize that the only thing that stands between you doing all of these absolutely crazy things is that teeny, tiny piece of the brain that people with Tourette’s are missing!?
Comment by Rhea — August 15, 2006 @ 10:56 am
I would trade all seven of them for the opportunity to do #1 seven times.
Comment by Dave2 — August 15, 2006 @ 11:12 am
I hate heights, but it doesnt stop me from thinking how far I might fly if I flung myself off the edge. Than I remember that flinging oneself off a high edge usually ends in something very unpleasant and I scuttle back to safety.
Comment by shawna — August 15, 2006 @ 11:26 am
Being from Jersey, running down pedestrians doesn’t seem so ludicrous and in some instances would be considered justifiable. But since we are confessing absurd actions never taken inspite of the urge to do so, I have always wanted to lean out of a car window and throw a full sheet cake, with “Happy Birthday to You!” glazed on it at the windshield of an oncoming vehicle. The sheer randomness of being hit by a birthday cake while operating a vehicle cracks me up and I am not sure why.
Comment by Jerry — August 15, 2006 @ 11:36 am
Too funny!
I’ve always wanted to eat one of those little packets of gel like balls that come in shoes that say not to eat them.
And, like Shawna, I’m terrified of heights…but for some reason, I always feel like flinging myself off of something tall. Can’t quite figure out why though. Guess I’m not afraid of going splat.
Comment by Mike — August 15, 2006 @ 11:54 am
Mike - Doh! I always open up electronics and hold those little silicon gel packets in my hands and think to myself, “Really, how sick could I get?”
Comment by Pauly D — August 15, 2006 @ 11:58 am
hello ID.
Comment by ACG — August 15, 2006 @ 12:12 pm
I’ve done #3. Easy to stick your head in between the bars. Not so easy to get out. Panic sets in when you realize your ears won’t let your head make it back through.
(Not to mention I was 8 years old at the time and it was on a dare)
Comment by cdub — August 15, 2006 @ 12:32 pm
I’ve always wanted to remove all the warning labels from products, blow up “riced-out” cars, and do various other things to thin out the gene pool.
Comment by James Cooper — August 15, 2006 @ 12:50 pm
Standing down a train.
Bitchslap the mailman.
Scratch the INSIDES of my eyeballs. (allergy season in Boston)
Pull a walker out from under a nasty old lady.
Throw my drink in the face of the very slow and not-so-cordial fast food counterperson.
Ask for all of my money from the bank, in 1 dollar bills.
Go down on all fours and bark like a dog in the grocery store.
Lick a mothball. ( I hear moths like that)
Stick a fork in an electrical socket. Zzzzzzzzzzt.
Oh, the list could go on for days and days. And, yeah, I think about ingesting that silica pack, too. Must be somewhat universal.
Comment by Julia Farley — August 15, 2006 @ 12:57 pm
Take a big bite of pink fiberglass insulation - it’s gotta taste like cotton candy - no?
Comment by susan — August 15, 2006 @ 1:08 pm
Can you teach Keanu Reeves an acting lesson he’ll never forget? Cuz dude, he needs it. Johnny Mnemonic. Ouch.
Comment by T. Malone — August 15, 2006 @ 1:16 pm
I’ve done this (when I was about 8): Shove my head through the bars of a stairwell grating.
And got stuck. Really.
Comment by sandra — August 15, 2006 @ 3:48 pm
#1-i played that game, i never thought to ram anybody
#2-there a liquor you need to try, blue ceraco, or something like that, it looks like you’re drinking the ocean, but yum!
#3-butter, or vaseline, it will work
#4-how about that ultra sound machine, you could give someone an ultrasound and point out all sorts of stuff that you have no idea what it actually is
#5-i’d rather have a bear claw danish then steal a bear’s rotting meat, or whatever it is that they eat
#6-sweet!
#7-can you teach me how to play the piano?
Comment by better safe than sorry — August 15, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
I’ve always wanted to go to a rock concert and let the crowd pass me along over their head and then start peeing. I’m pretty sure they’d drop me like a cold piece of turkey, but hey, how will I know if I don’t try it?
Comment by Karl — August 15, 2006 @ 10:59 pm
I always have the urge to stand up- at the moment of a significant scene at a movie theater- and run out screaming and pulling my hair…… Is that so wrong?
Comment by cutiepie — August 16, 2006 @ 1:53 am
i’ve never really rammed pedestrians per se, but I do on occassion attempt to run down those pesky j-walkers. sadly, I can confirm that they do indeed move pretty quickly. i haven’t managed to hit one yet
BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY!
Comment by junaid — August 16, 2006 @ 3:08 am
I hope that as you wrote this post, you were saying ludacris out loud with a lisp.
I always wanted to jump from a 17th story balcony into a swimming pool.
Comment by Jacquie — August 16, 2006 @ 12:56 pm