Roseanna Arquette Won’t Buy Her Kids A Dog (Sort Of)
August 14th, 2006
I was in Malibu over the weekend.
While I was there I crossed paths with a virtual cornucopia of Hollywood celebrities both big and small. Some, I will refrain from talking about (i.e. rap mogul & potential body harmer Suge Knight) because I like being alive. Others, I will ignore posting about since you probably don’t care much about them (i.e. Adam Arkin). Some I will ignore complaining about because I don’t care much about them (i.e. Nicole Ritchie) and their skeletal bodies. But when it comes to crossing paths with Desperately Seeking Susan’s Roseanna Arquette…well, I’m totally game.
Especially since the celeb won’t even buy her damn kids a dog. Sort of.
Let’s all agree about one thing before we begin. Kids love dogs. Getting a kid a dog is probably one of the greatest responsibility-builders you could ever give your child. Bringing a little pup into the family and taking care of the little fellah or fellie (a new female form of the word “fellah”) can be an extremely rewarding experience. Of course, when you’re an evil witch of a mother like Roseanna Arquette, you’ll refuse up and down to get your kids any dog whatsoever.
Roseanna Arquette: “NO.”
[Insert children whining here.]
Roseanna Arquette: “What did I tell you? I’m not getting you a dog.”
[More child-like whining and foot stomping here.]
Roseanna Arquette: “You can’t even take care of the dog you have, why would I get you another dog?”
[Whining, more whining.]
Roseanna Arquette: “You have to show that you can be responsible. You haven’t shown me that.”
[Whining continues...]
Roseanna Arquette: “Stop whining. It’s not going to do you any good.”
[Child stops walking, stands still, whining.]
Roseanna Arquette: “Fine. We’ll get you one after lunch.”
Sometimes, responsibility can be supplanted by good old fashioned determination.
As for Suge Knight — he likes burgers. And he’s a very well dressed man. Very commanding presence. Would love to be his best friend forever. Me and Suge Knight — BFF’s. I wonder if he would have my legs broken for even suggesting the two of us could be BFF’s? Cause how sweet would that be if Suge and I were BFF’s?
God I hope he doesn’t read this.
But maybe Suge is looking for that “one good man” to be his BFF as well. He has a posse of people around him at all times, but look at his face. He’s empty. He’s hollow. He needs someone true. Someone real. Someone that can make him laugh. Make him cry. Make him feel emotions that he’s supressed for years being the head of a multimillion dollar R&B syndicate.
He needs you!
Be his friend, Appleby… er… Pauly
Comment by Kevin — August 14, 2006 @ 9:03 am
Boy, I’d love to get my hands into some celeb closets, and Rosanna’s is no exception. I can see it now…the two of us would be organizing fools, all the while humming along to the Desperately Seeking Susan soundtrack. But then that danged second dog would probably keep coming in and running away with her unmentionables. Stupid dog.
Comment by Monica Ricci — August 14, 2006 @ 9:04 am
Sorry to go off subject, but 2 weeks in and where the hell is Star Jones? I mean the phone call was rough, but wasn’t a contract signed in blood (or donut jelly) written? Expectations were set and they havne’t been fullfilled.
Comment by monkeyinabox — August 14, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Kevin - Appleby?
Monica - Closets are like paradise to you, aren’t they?
Monkey - My lawyers have advised me not to talk on the Star Jones subject until it’s been resolved. Currently, it has not been. Know that I am apologetic about the situation, and all will become revealed as soon as possible.
Comment by Pauly D — August 14, 2006 @ 9:14 am
Wow, Roseanna’s quite the pushover.
Comment by Hilary — August 14, 2006 @ 9:23 am
Guys like Suge don’t have BFF’s…I would rather have Snoop as my BFF, I would give him some Sudafed and cuddle up. Snoop is a guy who can hug it out….Suge is too hard core.
Comment by sarah — August 14, 2006 @ 9:40 am
Ah yes, one should never underestimate the power of children whining. Like electric drills to the head it is.
And Pauly, just tell Suge how you’re blacker than Jessica Stover. I think that’ll win him over.
Comment by James Cooper — August 14, 2006 @ 10:01 am
i wonder what janet would say if she could comment.
Comment by dgm — August 14, 2006 @ 10:59 am
I wonder if they’ll name the dog Toto.
Connoisseurs of 80’s music will get this reference.
Comment by The Centaur — August 14, 2006 @ 11:01 am
Did you rally for the canceled “Love Monkey” when you hung out with Roseanna? I keep hoping they’ll bring it back. Tell me you at LEAST asked her about the Toto song named for her. These are the things the world wants to know about, dude. Trust me.
The world being me, of course.
Comment by Karl — August 14, 2006 @ 11:18 am
Of course now I have that Toto song stuck in my head.
Can we have a re-vote on the eviction?
Comment by Peter — August 14, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
Strangely, I’ve got the song “Wake Me Up Before I Go Go” in my head.
Comment by Pauly D — August 14, 2006 @ 1:14 pm
…as long as he keeps your fingers intact. what would we DO if he broke off your fingers???
Comment by Sarcomical — August 14, 2006 @ 1:39 pm
Pauly, yes, closets are sort of like paradise to me. Especially clothing closets! (as opposed to the closet under the basement stairs that houses everything you can’t figure out where to keep so you pitch it in there). I love emptying out a closet and then redesigning the inside space to make it mucho functional and preeeeeetty. ~Monica
Comment by Monica Ricci — August 15, 2006 @ 7:04 am
We should send her kids over to Roseanne Barr’s home. I bet *she* would buy them a puppy. Heh.
Comment by Julia Farley — August 15, 2006 @ 7:42 am
that pic of her is very unflattering.
but, actually, come to think of it- that’s just her face messing up the picture.
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 15, 2006 @ 7:50 am
It’s a line from the movie Stealing Home. “Be my friend, Appleby!”
Comment by Kevin — August 15, 2006 @ 9:29 am
First of all, Suge can’t be your bff because he’s already my bff. I may have to break your legs now. Good thing we are on opposite coasts.
In defence of Ms Arquette, if her kids already have a dog, then she has fulfilled her parental duties, as far as I’m concerned.
Comment by Jacquie — August 16, 2006 @ 12:59 pm