Lucky Charms, Without the Lucky (Or, I Can Create Better Cereals Than You Guys)

I like the look of a comma in a blog subject line.

But more than that, I imagine I’d really like the look of a box of Lucky Charms without any of the “lucky” — which happens to refer to the boring carb-infused cereal pieces poured in and among the glorious marshmallow multi-colored “charms” in a box of the sugary delicacy. In fact, an entire box of “Just Plain ‘ol Charms” as the word-meisters might dub the new cereal concoction, might be more lucky than they think.

See, cereal would be so much better without all that crap thrown inside.

It’s no surprise that “85% of Americans would prefer to have a meal consisting of cereal than any other food item available to them” (Some Magazine Writing About Cereal, 6/12/06). It’s also no surprise that with this being the case, a person like oh, I don’t know, myself — might want to make a few minor adjustments to major cereals in order to bring them from “something good” to “something superiorly amazing.” And by removing all the crappy bread fillers from a box of Lucky Charms — well, you’d be giving the American public the most amazing, milk-transforming, marshmallow menagerie of goodness than ever before.

But what of the other cereals?

I don’t know who comes up with these ludicrous cereals, but they always seem to be “just a little off” to me. There’s always one element that’s good, but then they go ahead and screw everything up by adding a bunch of crap that no one wanted in there, in the first place. That’s why, just as bloggers recently screwed up Joe Lieberman’s chances at getting re-elected to the Senate thanks to their very verbose digital opinions…

I’m going to offer up my own suggestions today for how to make mediocre cereals become masters of their own domain.

First and foremost, let’s look at Raisin Bran. When I mention Raisin Bran, what do you think about? Yes, you think about the glorious sweet sugared raisins. Do you think about the crappy cardboardy slats of bran thrown in there to make up the difference? When you get to the end of a bowl of the stuff and you see those flappy, soggy bland brans sitting around and few hiding raisins in the milk, where do you go with your spoon? The people at Post need to do one thing and one thing only: get rid of the bran. If you can come up with a better alternative to go with the glorious raisins, then do it. But until then, I would much perfer to buy a box of “Raisins, Raisins, Raisins! (Now with Granulated Sugar Bits!)” instead of the stuff currently on the shelves.

You may be saying to yourself, “Sure, but didn’t they try and make Raisin Bran better by creating Raisin Bran Crunch?” No. That’s called a “lazy shortcut.” It being obvious that the public was getting sick of the bran, so they went ahead and coated the bran in MORE SUGAR and threw in some oatmeal turds (which often stick to the coated bran) and do nothing more than ruin the pure taste of nature’s raisin goodness. Shame on you, Post. Shame. On. You.

What about Just Right cereal? Really, has Kellogg’s gotten their concept of “a light, crunchy breakfast cereal with lots of fruits and crunchy almonds” right? Or have they made another huge cereal faux-paus by throwing “lots of fruits” and “crunchy almonds” in with a bunch of filler pieces that no one wants to eat in the first place?

You know, there’s got to be some kind of cereal filler plant operating in the Midwest — and all they do is create these crappy filler cereal pieces to be thrown in and among the good cereal stuff. Cereal filler pieces are like the styro-foam packing peanuts of the breakfast world.

So what should the people at Kellogg’s do if they want people to stop referring to their Just Right cereal as “Almost, Potentially Pretty Good?” They get rid of the filler. They keep the fruit and the almonds and they name the thing “Lotsa Fruit (Now with Almonds)!” Or even better, they get rid of the almonds, and they call it “Aren’t You Glad We Got Rid Of The Crappy Filler (Now With Lotsa Fruit)!”

God, I hope I have as much influence on Post and Kellogg’s as those political bloggers had on the Joe Lieberman election last night.

Which brings me to Post’s other glorious huge mistake Fruit & Fibre. Does the name just make you want to choke out a fiber fur ball when you hear it? Does the description of the cereal (“a healthy cereal that is both great tasting and good for you”) make you want to hurl? Does the “perfect combination of golden multigrain flakes, toasted wheat bran flakes and fruits, nuts and crunchy clusters” make you want to run for the hills? Does this brief but all-encompassing chart (to follow) make you agree with me?

Cereal Success Chart (Out of 10 points)
Multigrain flakes: -2 points
Wheat bran flakes: -3 points
Nuts: -2 points
Crunchy items of some kind: -2 points
Fruits: +2 points

Total Points (Out of 10): 3

Listen up hotshot (that means you, Post). Get rid of the multigran anything. Trash the bran flakes. Get rid of the nuts. Forget about crunch just for the sake of crunch. Keep the fruits and add some raisins and marshmallows. Call it “Fruity Clouds” and throw in a secret decoder ring or CD-Rom filled with glorious freeware flash games. Create an energetic penguin character named “Flippy” to hock the cereal on Saturday morning TV. And what do you have when all is said and done?

“Fruity Clouds is a fruity marshmallowy cereal that tastes great and is the perfect combination of sweet fruits, sweet marshmallows and true, genuine heart.”

As for Lucky Charms, without the luck (i.e. crappy cereal pieces) — I think you’re probably seeing the light of day here. What better way than to get that 85% of cereal loving Americans up to a 95% or a 99.9%? What better way to put those horrible mob-controlled cereal filler plants out of business and give the real business back to the slave wage marshmallow charm-placers who are consistently looking for new work thanks to General Mills lack of forethought in the Lucky Charms market.

Lucky Charms without the luck is sounding mighty mighty lucky to me.

32 comments on “Lucky Charms, Without the Lucky (Or, I Can Create Better Cereals Than You Guys)

  1. Meme - August 9, 2006 at 9:03 am -

    You are going to rock the very foundation that the institution of cerealism is built upon, and I can say I knew you.

    I’m weeping with joy and pride.

  2. Pauly D - August 9, 2006 at 9:06 am -

    Meme – Watch out, Institution of Cerealism! Here I come.

  3. Keith - August 9, 2006 at 9:08 am -

    How come fruit is plus points? I don’t want no stinkin’ fruit in the morning, I need as much sugar and other assorted artificial stimulants as I can lay my hands on.

  4. sarah - August 9, 2006 at 9:11 am -

    What about cocoa krispies or that chocolate chip cookie cereal? One shape, one flavor….but is that enough to mask what’s underneath the goodness?

  5. Pauly D - August 9, 2006 at 9:12 am -

    Keith – You have a problem with fruit? What are you, a communist or something?

  6. dgm - August 9, 2006 at 9:22 am -

    cereal killer!

  7. Nicole - August 9, 2006 at 10:43 am -

    Like you, I loves me some sugary cereal goodness in the morning. Or any time of day, really. But I’m going to have to disagree with you on the Lucky Charms thing.

    Now don’t get me wrong — I enjoy Lucky Charms. Quite frequently, actually (there’s a box in my cupboard at all times). But the marshmallow pieces are so sugary that they make my teeth hurt. That’s why you need to balance it out with something else that isn’t so sugary. That being said, though, I am totally, 100% with you on your suggestions for the other cereals. I thought I disagreed about Raisin Bran — thinking for a moment that I liked the balance and implied healthfulness that the bran flakes contributed to the mix — but then you reminded me about the sog factor.

    What is your position on these other personal favorites of mine — Cocoa Puffs and the like (Cocoa Pebbles and Cocoa Krispies, but never the imitations), Golden Grahams and Cookie Crisp?

  8. Pauly D - August 9, 2006 at 10:51 am -

    Nicole – Puffs infused with flavor, to me, is just another way of turning filler cereal into something people “should potentially enjoy.” So, that’s a no-no. Same goes for pebbles and krispies. But now Cookie Crisp is different. That’s an actual cookie and not some filler infused with cookie flavoring. And Golden Grahams? That could be the most perfect cereal ever.

  9. susan - August 9, 2006 at 11:40 am -

    They DO make Lucky Charms without the lucky – the product is called ‘marshmallows’ and you can find them in any candy aisle. Be honest – drop all pretense of eating healthy and ENJOY your sugary snacks!

  10. monkeyinabox - August 9, 2006 at 11:48 am -

    Cookie Crisp almost got it right. Should have just called it ‘Milk & Cookies’.

  11. Alison - August 9, 2006 at 11:55 am -

    Mmm. Golden Grahams.

    /drool

  12. James Cooper - August 9, 2006 at 12:45 pm -

    Perhaps you would’ve enjoyed Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs?

  13. suze - August 9, 2006 at 1:41 pm -

    cereal, schmereal.

    it’s all about the toaster strudel…cereal is so over 😉

  14. Julia Farley - August 9, 2006 at 2:02 pm -

    I was a Cap’n Crunch kid, myself. I loved the way it jammed into my molars and stayed there in it’s petrified, golden goodness all.day.long.

    If’n you really want to fluff up the masses I suggest adding some Ritalin to every blessed freeze dried marshmallow in every blessed cardboard box. Then, you see, you must feed the milking cow copious amounts of Prozac such that the lactation thereof produces the gustatory equivalent of, say, 20mgs per 8 oz.

    Then again, I am *all for* a heft bowl of Morning Merlot Munchies, but hey, that’s just me.

  15. Hilary - August 9, 2006 at 3:26 pm -

    Actually, Lucky Charms without the luck would be “y charms.” But whatever.

  16. Barney - August 9, 2006 at 6:16 pm -

    When one approaches an ‘age’, and those of you who are there will know what I mean, one will look for cereal that will perform
    for you. It must be high in fiber. It must be whole grain. It is
    better with little sugar infused so some can be added at the table.
    When those limitations are placed on our cereals, 97% of those
    on the shelves need not be discussed. They are for people who
    do not read.

  17. Keith - August 9, 2006 at 6:36 pm -

    Yes, Pauly. I’m a liberal pinko commie fruit-hating bastard. Didn’t you get the memo?

  18. Brooke - August 9, 2006 at 6:43 pm -

    I have felt the very same way about Lucky Charms since I was a little girl. I even blogged about it here>/a>!

  19. Brooke - August 9, 2006 at 6:44 pm -

    Pardon my error. Still works though!

  20. Amy - August 9, 2006 at 7:29 pm -

    Ok, now tell us what you really think, Pauly.

  21. Rebecca H - August 9, 2006 at 9:04 pm -

    For a while Quaker made a Cap’n Crunch cereal called “Oops, just Berries” or something like that which was all crunch berries and no Cap’n for those averse to the filler crunchies that Julia (above mentioned) jam in your teeth all day. Man that cap’n crunch could really tear up your gums too.

    I’m pretty sure my kids would seriously dig a big box of “Just Charms” for breakfast. As long as they have a while to soak up some milk, they taste pretty yummy 🙂

  22. Janet - August 9, 2006 at 10:03 pm -

    My favorite cereal is Wheaties.

    I hate to say I disagree with this entire post… but I DO. If tou became president of Post, I’m afriad I would have to move to Canada.

    Think of the children Paul. Do you want all of them diabetic or something?

  23. […] Yesterday you may or may not have read my post on Lucky Charms and cereal in general. Look, that’s okay if you didn’t. It doesn’t matter. But what does matter is that those who took the time out to comment unknowingly involved themselves in one of the most groundbreaking blog moments that will ever occur here at WFME. […]

  24. Eve - August 10, 2006 at 11:00 am -

    You are a courageous man taking on the cereal titans like that. I admire you, and agree with you. Seriously, what is cereal without the sugar? Crap. But sugar is a bad word nowadays, which is why all the cereals with sugar in the name were changed (Sugar Smacks, Sugar Corn Pops). They should just get it over with and make the next product Bran and Fiber Colon Cleanse, because that’s all those brands are good for.

  25. egan - August 11, 2006 at 12:01 pm -

    They’re magically delicious. This cereal is in my top three for sure. Do I get evicted?

  26. Pauly D - August 11, 2006 at 12:03 pm -

    Egan – No, you win a million dollars.

  27. Lloyd - August 13, 2006 at 10:08 pm -

    This post has been referenced at the following blog:
    http://breakfastbowl.blogspot.com/2006/08/cereal-and-bloggers_13.html

  28. Lynn - August 14, 2006 at 6:57 am -

    What about Froot Loops? That’s “fruit” that is kind of infused into the filler bits, but still comes out tasting all “frooty” and chemically, like we like it. Are they OK for my children to eat? I wouldn’t want to feed them something that wasn’t good for them…

  29. Pauly D - August 14, 2006 at 8:04 am -

    Lynn – Froot Loops (not “fruit” because there isn’t any) is the epitome of the most perfect cereal ever.

  30. Anita Charm - August 17, 2006 at 12:17 pm -

    Here we go. I used to think that eating cereals is good for my figure Just plain cereal and I can be slim and beautiful. But now I discovered I was wrong. And I already got used to cereals(((

  31. maggy - September 14, 2006 at 11:41 am -

    I LOVE LUCKYCHARMS! Every morning i wake up and have a nice boll of luckycharms. They taste soooo good. How do they make them taste heaven?

  32. […] Lucky Charms (Box of 4): $0.89 […]

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