Today’s Prognosis on Doorbell Ditch
August 8th, 2006
It’s nice to know that advanced technology can’t ruin all the fun.
And while advanced technology has completely taken all the fun out of crank calling (Star-69, anyone?), anonymous electronic correspondence (I.P. tracking, perhaps?), random late night anonymous alley beatings (DNA and C.S.I.-esque investigative techniques, eh?), and calling shotgun (advanced shotgun calling GPS devices now call shotgun for you) — at least doorbell ditch still remains as fun as it ever was.
Yes, today’s prognosis on doorbell ditch is looking mighty good.
If you’re not familiar with the childhood pasttime of doorbell ditch, let me lay out the steps of the process very quickly here for you:
Step #1: Sneak up to the front door of a house.
Step #2: Ring the doorbell.
Step #3: Run away as fast as your little legs will take you.
Step #4: Repeat until tired (or arrested).
And that’s it! I spent many many hours participating in doorbell ditch when I was a child, and even to this day I will periodically take part. It’s just fun! I mean, to imagine these strangers getting up from their couch, putting down their food, going to the door, looking out the peephole, seeing nothing, opening all the chain locks and deadbolts to see what’s outside, opening the door, looking around and seeing NOTHING!?
Oh god, it makes me laugh endlessly.
If you really think about it and analyze it, doorbell ditch is pretty much a real-world human equivalent of Pavlov’s experiments with rats. Whereas Pavlov would ring a bell right before giving dogs food (which eventually would cause the dogs to salivate after hearing the bell since they were anticipating food coming down the pike), as a doorbell ditcher you can control strangers and cause them to stop what they’re doing, walk to the door and open it.
Now I know what you’re thinking. What about those fools who light dog crap on fire and throw them at people’s doors and then ring the bell and run away? What about those idiots who knock on the door and then run away? What about those people who steal people’s brass knockers off the door and run away?
Amateurs. All of them.
There’s a pureness to the doorbell “ding dong” ditch that is refreshing. It requires zero props, zero costumes, zero flammable items of any kind. It just requires an index finger and two legs that can make you run very very fast. It is, in fact, the most base form of entertainment next to playing your chest cavity like a conga drum.
Which bodes really well for doorbell ditching, from a prognostication level.
Doorbell ditching has no age boundaries. In fact, the older you are, the more legitimate the act of ringing someone’s door and quickly running away becomes. For, when someone rings your doorbell and you crook your head from the couch to see who it is and it’s an adult — you’ll get up to investigate further. And then, as you drag your old creaky bones off the couch and approach the door…the person turns tail and bolts down the street wildly!
“I should have known,” you’d say to yourself. When in reality, you shouldn’t have known. Because, let’s face it — what adult still participates in ringing strangers’ doorbells and running hail tail down the street?
Exactly. And that’s why prognosis for doorbell ditching is daaaaaaamn good.
i used to love to doorbell ditch. i also liked to wave at the ice cream man and then duck behind the cars giggling with my childhood best friend/partner in crime. oh kids!
Comment by ms. sizzle — August 8, 2006 @ 8:58 am
Sizz - Oh, man. The damn ice cream man. Do you know that in my neighborhood every once in awhile you hear the beloved ice cream truck and that glorious music and then when you go outside it’s a truck with the music but they’re selling refinancing on your mortgage?
What a rip.
Comment by Pauly D — August 8, 2006 @ 9:02 am
I’m a preacher’s kid, so I pretty much refrained from mischief. Because you know I would have caught it. All the neighbors knew who I was, and who my dad was.
Darn it.
Comment by Alison — August 8, 2006 @ 11:05 am
Throw in some girlfriends, a little TP, too much Diet Coke…and followed by the inevitable ding dong ditch..and that my friend was any given weekend for me in days.
Comment by thoughtsgalore — August 8, 2006 @ 11:06 am
I never understood “Flaming Bag of Dog Poo Ditch” because it is so well known. Who in their right mind would stomp out a flaming bag that was put on their doorstep? I’d let the house burn down first! I prefer my shoes to be poo-free.
Comment by Dave2 — August 8, 2006 @ 11:53 am
Shotgun calling GPS devices?!?! How do I score me one of those bad boys?
Comment by Kevin — August 8, 2006 @ 11:58 am
wouldn’t work on me…i have a camera system attached to the TV…sorry buddy..nice try though
Comment by wendi — August 8, 2006 @ 11:58 am
i was thinking, these days inside many of our “safe” gated communities, the doorbell ditch phenom prolly isn’t as inticing.
we lived in a neighborhood with lots of driveways on hills/embankments…made for a lot of banged-up knees running into to each other while trying not to be seen or caught!
thanks for the trip back to childhood today pauly!
Comment by Melina — August 8, 2006 @ 12:42 pm
My most memorable ding-dong ditch was the time we TPed my friend’s crush’s house.
It happened one Saturday night around 10 pm, while my girls and I were having one of our frequent sleepovers. We must have used an entire Costco package of TP on this house. But it didn’t stop at TP. We taped newspaper pages over the front door on both sides and the bottom, leaving the top open and forming a sort of envelope. We then proceeded to fill said envelope with popped popcorn, ring the doorbell, hop into the minivan, and drive away. (No, we weren’t 16 when we did this. We were 14 and had a friend with a really cool mom.)
Good times!
Comment by Nicole — August 8, 2006 @ 3:32 pm
Did you really call it “Doorbell Ditching?” It’s most certainly not called that this side of the water. We have another, cooler name for it but it’s momentarily gone out of my head with all these stupid phrases being thrown at me.
I will report back…
Comment by Pierce — August 8, 2006 @ 3:32 pm
Nicole - My prognosis on TP’ing is not so good. Ding dong ditching? Pretty darn good. Just so you know.
Pierce - I await your answer with bated breath.
Comment by Pauly D — August 8, 2006 @ 3:39 pm
so all this time that was YOU!
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice (or more), shame on me.
Comment by dgm — August 8, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
I’ve never heard it called doorbell ditching either. We had another - not at all cool - name for it. I can’t even REPEAT what we called it where I grew up.
Comment by jg — August 9, 2006 @ 8:03 am
Ok, it took me about 15 hours to remember (and I didn’t actually remember, I asked someone). We called it a “knick-knack”. It was also a verb, like knick-knacking or “Did you knick-knack that house?”
I’ve no idea how to spell it. It could be nick-nack. Or all one word.
Comment by Pierce — August 9, 2006 @ 11:04 am
okay, so i’ve never indulged in a doorbell ditch.
but i CAN help make prank calling fun again. helloOOo? *67. blocks your caller ID, baby.
not that i’ve ever done that. i would never. ever. umm…
Comment by Sarcomical — August 9, 2006 @ 11:22 am
I can see it now: CSI - Prank Division.
Comment by James Cooper — August 9, 2006 @ 12:48 pm
It’s two in the morning, and somebody just doorbell ditched my house. Woke me up from a sound sleep, and I have to work tomorrow. I’m a single woman living alone in a so-so urban neighborhood, and even though I know it was probably just kids blowing off steam the night before school starts, even though I know somebody attempting a break-in or home invasion would probably not ring the bell, I’m still paranoid that my house was targeted and too jittery to go back to sleep. I feel like I have to stay up in case they come back, and kind of wishing I had a pump gun so I could go out on the doorstep and scare the shit out of them in return if they do. While I certainly did my share of dumb shit like this when I was a teenager, I can’t see why a grown man would think it was fun or interesting. You must be a bit speshul.
Comment by Julie — September 5, 2006 @ 12:07 am
Damn kids did it to me two mornings in a row at 2:30 am. I’m gonna buy a motion activated digital camera and bust the little buggers.
At age 47, I will not become that foolish old man I used to doorbell ditch. The times are changin’! I’m gonna find out who’s doing it and start doorbell ditchin’ the kid’s parents!
Comment by Angry Ol' Fart — March 11, 2007 @ 7:00 am
Doorbell ditching is so wrong, and is especially scary late at night when the victim is all alone. This behavior should not be condoned as a prank, but should be punished.
Comment by KRM — June 3, 2008 @ 8:20 pm