Words for My Enjoyment

WFME Makes Over The Tooth Fairy

August 6th, 2006

The Tooth Fairy so needs a makeover.

Think about how the Tooth Fairy was sold to you as a kid. First and foremost…a fairy. Fluttering wings, pixie dust, floats without being affected by gravity, breaks and enters into your house and then into your child’s bedroom…

And in a very pedophiliac way, slides their hands under your child’s pillow to “steal their teeth” and give them a slave wage labor equivalent in dirty change.

Like I said, a makeover is so overdue.

It’s unfortunate, but in today’s day and age we have a very suspicious and unforgiving public. With the current backlash against fantasy novels involving fairies, a far more xenophobic public, and neighborhood watch groups running pedophiles out of their neighborhoods, the last thing we need for our “dental dragger” is to be thought of as “fairy-esque” or “one who sneaks into our child’s bedroom.” We can no longer warn the children in our lives to avoid strangers, not talk to strangers, report suspicious activities of strangers and never trust strangers while excitedly telling them that “tonight a strange woman will enter your room and steal things from under your pillow.”

It’s just wrong.

When I was a child, such a vision was perpetuated continually by my parents. There was a night when one of my teeth fell out in the classic Long Island, NY restaurant The Ground Round and there was no finding it. (This was, of course, due to the fact that The Ground Round had peanut shells and popcorn all over their floor in an attempt to give it a low-cost design element that screamed “fun & laid back.”) You can imagine the fear that shot through me when I realized that I would not have a real tooth to leave for this midnight stranger — but I would instead have to leave an explanatory note under my pillow so the so-called Tooth Fairy wouldn’t get angry with me and my slippery fingers.

It was a traumatic experience that no child should have to cope with.

But lately, the concept of the Tooth Fairy has outlived it’s welcome. No longer should we gleefully tell our children about the stranger who will sneak into their bedroom while they are sleeping and steal their pearly whites. No. From here on out we should give the Tooth Fairy a makeover that will put her back into a positive light that children will not fear….but will embrace.

First, we change her name. No longer is she a fairy. Fairies fly, and flying things scare the crap out of kids. Instead of flying, let’s say that this “tooth exchanger” (since they’re exchanging or “cashing in” your teeth for money) will do zero flying whatsoever. In fact, like most strangers who mean you no harm, this Tooth Specialist should ring the doorbell just like everyone else after making an appointment via the telephone or via SMS messaging. The Tooth Trader should, in fact, be just like the mailman or your local Pastor. Trustworthy and honest. Safe. And just as no Pastor worth his weight in holy water would visit you in the dark of night — neither will our Tooth to Money Change Person.

They will come during the day.

So, let’s play this whole thing out here. Your kid loses their tooth. Immediately your kid picks up their Sidekick or uses their cell phone to text the message “my tooth fell out” to a certain number. The Tooth Specialist will text back immediately with a suggested appointment time. Your child, if such a time is acceptable, will text back that such a time is acceptable.

Now, your kid has got an appointment “in the books.” This is great because it both teaches your child about being responsible about setting meetings and being on time and also puts our Tooth Specialist in a very professional and non-questionable light. Things are looking up!

Then you wait with your child for the Tooth Specialist to knock on the door.

The meeting itself will be a lesson in negotiation. You will sit at your kitchen table (or dining room table if you so see fit) with your child next to you. Opposite them, the Tooth Specialist. The Tooth Specialist is “an expert in his/her field” and will come with printouts and “cost trends” of what teeth are worth these days. If your kid had a molar fall out, that might be worth $10. If it’s just one of those little tiny teeth, maybe less. Also depends on the condition the tooth is in.

In either case, your child will be given total carte blanche to negotiate for the tooth. Will they get $10, or $20 or $1.95 — that’s up to your kid and the Tooth Specialist to determine. And sure, there may even come a point where both parties agree to disagree and your child walks away with that dirty old tooth and the Tooth Specialist walks out the door without the tooth they came for.

Hey, that’s life. That’s business. And that’s just how the Tooth Fairy needs to be.

So in summary, the Tooth Fairy is no longer a fairy but a businessperson. They no longer come in the night unannounced, but children will setup meetings/appointments with them via SMS text messaging. Instead of stealing your teeth and leaving dirty infected change behind (which most often included foreign coinage), the Tooth Person will negoatiate with your child for a pre-agreed upon sale amount. In addition, this Tooth Person will ask your child to sign the agreement which will also be notarized (for which you’ll want a notary involved) and will then continue to follow up via-phone with your child in the months to come in an attempt to keep on top of your child and the future teeth that will most likely fall out and be “ripe for the picking.”

I think this makeover will relieve the stress from children’s lives and make the whole experience far more rewarding for each and every party involved.

And that’s why the Tooth Fairy needs a makeover.

Next week: WFME Makes Over Santa Claus, Chanukah Harry & Nostradamus.

Posted under Tooth Fairy, WFME Makeover. |