Today’s Imaginary Conversation With The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby Suri

This week has been a banner week at WFME.

First we were leaked sensitive information about Mel Gibson’s tirade… And now one of the biggest questions in the world of Hollywood is finally going to be answered. Just where oh where is the Cruise/Holmes’ baby Suri? Where has she been? Why has no one seen anything but a lump in a blanket?

Well, today we give you our interview with the rolled up pashmina currently pretending to be Tom Cruise’s baby, Suri.

WFME: “Honestly, we’re just over the moon over here today at WFME that we could get the time to talk to you.”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “So nice to be here, Paul. It makes me warm inside just knowing there’s interest in hearing what I have to say. Although I am pretty much warm inside all the time since I’m just a rolled up pashmina…but still! People like me!”

WFME: “So, let’s just get right to the question everyone wants to know the answer to…right out of the gate. How are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as new parents?”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “Oh my gosh – they are awesome. They are the most loving, caring, thoughtful parents a rolled up pashmina could ever have. When I’m a little frayed my mom [Katie] will just come over to me and scoop me up into her arms and literally just surround herself by me. Oh and my daddy [Tom]? He’s always saying how every part of me is so soft. He loves that about me. And that makes me happy.”

WFME: “So why do you think there’s all this secrecy surrounding you? I mean, why won’t your parents just come out and show you to the world?”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “They’re just shielding me from the elements. There’s a lot of people out there… A lot of gossip mongers who would just love to get a close up, non-grainy picture of my parents’ rolled up pashmina. Well, my parents call me “their little pash” for short. It’s a cute name. Here’s the thing, they’re just looking out for me. They don’t want the public to get a hold of me at such a young age. If I get overstimulated I might unravel.”

WFME: “Can you talk at all about the delivery? That must have been a joyful day.”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “Of course! I’ll never forget how it all happened. The day I was delivered was so exciting! My grandmother, dad’s mom, she got the call and she rushed to the front guard gate where the nice man from Fedex was waiting. Then she carried me all carefully and placed me in my mother’s arms. It was such a warm embrace. And then we just stretched out and took a nap.”

WFME: “What about your Mom’s parents? Have they seen you yet? Because I’ve read in the papers that they haven’t been too supportive of your mom and dad’s Scientologist relationship.”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “I have met my mom’s grandparents and they are the most wonderful people ever. They’re a little more conservative, though, than my dad’s family. See, my mom’s parents are more into American-made blankets and flannel and what not. They have some very strong opinions about pashminas and the fact that since they’re made in Italy for the most part… Well, they find the whole pashmina thing a little foreign.”

WFME: “So I guess the only other question is the most blatant one. When are your parents going to show you off? When will we finally get to see pictures of the family…together? When will you be having your so-called coming-out party?”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “Give it time, Paul. I need some time to breathe. Get used to my current surroundings. Develop a bond with my mother. But I will promise you that before the end of the year you’re going to see me and my parents out and about with me…their little rolled up pashmina.”

WFME: “Thanks so much for talking to us, pashmina currently pretending to be Tom Cruise’s baby, Suri.”

The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby, Suri: “My pleasure, Paul. Thank you.”

8 comments on “Today’s Imaginary Conversation With The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby Suri

  1. The Centaur - August 3, 2006 at 9:35 am -

    Paul,
    since you’ve actually laid eyes on Suri, does she bear a closer resemblance to Tom’s suit or Katie’s cocktail dress?

  2. Pauly D - August 3, 2006 at 10:04 am -

    Centaur – She’s more of a burlap.

  3. wendi - August 3, 2006 at 11:34 am -

    eww…burlap is soooo out…you know…all the inexplicable rashes

  4. susan - August 3, 2006 at 12:50 pm -

    That’s funny, for 9 months I thought Katie was gestating but she was actually knitting! Thanks for clarifying.

  5. Julia Farley - August 3, 2006 at 3:12 pm -

    Funny, I thought a long while back (say, back in the Minnie Driver days) it was well known that Tom shot blanks.

    I guess, in reality, he was shooting lint balls.

    Heh.

    Pashmina, my ass. That is %100 virgin acrylic, if you ask me. You *were* asking me, right?

    ‘Tis a sham, I say. Erm, or is that a Shawl?

    Potato Potah-to, whateva.

  6. Bre - August 3, 2006 at 4:44 pm -

    I knew the pregnancy bump was a sham!

  7. thoughtsgalore - August 3, 2006 at 7:40 pm -

    hmmmm ok so tell us, was the pashmina looking more like Katie or L Ron. lol

  8. Pauly D - August 3, 2006 at 7:52 pm -

    TG – The pashmina, curiously, was black.

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