Words for My Enjoyment

The Action Figure Based on Me

August 2nd, 2006

It comes with a super-strength grip.

Primarily, this would be to combat against anyone saying my action figure had a bad handshake which would immediately ruin my chances of being a oft-desired action figure. Because can’t you just hear the kids in the action figure aisle with their parents complaining about wanting the action figure based on me and their parents saying, “Oh honey, you don’t want that one. It’s got a weak pansy slippery handshake.”

But the super-strength grip would be only one of many awesome features that the action figure based on me would contain.

Everyone knows that an action figure needs to excite and inspire. Action figures pretty much have to inspire people in much the way an inspirational speaker does. And what gets people inspired and excited more than anything else? Well, it’s the act of throwing ones hands in the air and making some kind of inspired excited sound like “gggttth!” So, when you press the button on the back of the action figure based on me, do you know what happens?

Both arms (including the one with the super-strength non-sissy handshake grip) fly up into the air as if the action figure based on me is more excited about life than ever before while the hi-tech computer chip inside the action figure based on me’s head exclaims in pure digital stereo: “Accchhhttt!”

In some countries, accchhhttt means “extremely overly enthusiastic.”

But I know what you’re thinking. So big deal. He’s got a super-strength grip and when you press on his back he gets all up in arms about life and stuff. What else does the action figure based on Pauly D actually do? Why would I buy this action figure instead of that cool Superman bank or that 8000-points of articulation Spiderman doohickey? Well, let me just throw two words at you:

It breathes.

That’s right. This action figure actually breathes. It’s chest goes up and down throughout all its actions, propelling carbon dioxide out while drawing oxygen in. In fact, you can even hear it breathing thanks to the hi-tech computer chip inside the action figure based on me’s head. It is technically alive without having any real thought, consciousness or awareness. But it breathes.

Show me an action figure that breathes and I will step off this argument.

In addition to the super-strength grip/non-sissy handshake feature, the back-instigated enthusiastic hand extension and the awesomely eerie breathing feature, the action figure based on me will also include the following features: inflatable feet (for parties), will instinctively cough in smokey environments (it’s pro-clean air), lasers in its eyes for college lectures and darkened movie theaters, a phrase bank of over 200 phrases including “don’t worry about me, my hair is flame retardent” and “six of one, half a dozen of another”, realistic body joints and “packages”, inability to sense danger thus being extremely brave in all situations as no situation will ever seem dangerous, able to cook simple meals that require less than 5 ingredients, and (last but not least) able to be paired via bluetooth with a variety of mobile devices thus informing you in his trademark gutteral voice when your cell phone is ringing by screaming, “incoming transmission” in a variety of languages including Farsi.

There are other features, but you’ll have to check out the box for the full she-bang.

That being said, I’m pretty confident that if I can get a toy company on board and in my court for the pre-production phases of the action figure based on me… Well, not only will my action figure be immortal…

But so will I.

Posted under Action Figures, Me. |