If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat

Really expensive coats are the new wallets, if you must know.

For years, men were ecstatic over getting wallets as gifts since it was one step up from getting ties and two steps up from getting money clips and three steps up from getting a fingerpainted picture of crap that doesn’t resemble anything living on the entire Earth. Yes, men were feeling pretty damn good about those damn wallets. But recently, it seems that really expensive coats have sent leather wallets booking the other direction. Seemingly, I’m one of those ecstatic men, gripping lovingly onto my brand new awesome expensive coat.

Which I probably wouldn’t use to smother out the flames on your body…if you happened to be on fire.

This Entire Blog Is A Joke

Today marks WFME’s 3-Year Anniversary.

That’s right. On August 27th, 2003 — yours truly posted his first post ever and the rest was history. And while the site has morphed from its early days of personal stories and anecdotes about my own life into a daily repository for randomness and humor — what most people will find surprising is that the origins of Words For My Enjoyment stemmed out of a situation so surprising, it would cause you to stand up and exclaim something like, “Wow, that’s a situation I find awfully surprising.”

Yes, before long you’ll realize that WFME is just a joke.

Ten Movies Whose Plotlines Would Change By Simply Adding The Word ‘Cheese’ To Their Titles

  1. Top Gun Cheese: A high-adrenaline look into the world of high-profile, expensive blocks of cheese and the butter churners who are the last line of defense between regular old cheese and the exquisite, palate-affecting, culturally-significant cheeses that transform our society. Our protagonist, a maverick of sorts in the cheese world, goes up against the icy cold un-feeling demeanor of a cheese baron from Switzerland and the battle ensues.
  2. Some Kind of Wonderful Cheese: She’s a cheese-leader whose popularity is unrivaled. He’s a loner musician who dreams of someday getting to taste her cheese. Will they ever get together and melt? Not if our loner’s best friend (who secretly loves his cheese for better or worse) is honest about what she feels.
  3. Memento Cheese: He’s got something he’s searching for. An answer to a puzzle that plagues him. Before long, the truth will come out and he will finally realize that it’s his grandmother’s old cheese (a memento of sorts) that holds the secret to his life. But who can he trust and will he ever secure the memento of cheese he seeks?
  4. Alien Cheese: When a broken down spaceship finds themselves marooned on a far away planet, their first goal is to simply get back home. But when they uncover a wheel of alien cheese, everything changes for the worse. Their fates and their survival…are now all in question.
  5. The Shining Cheese: It glows. It shines. It kills. Well, at least it causes people to become insane, then kill, all the result of being subjected to the shining cheese for months on end. A family will struggle to survive as the cheese influences all.
  6. Touch of Evil Cheese: While almost as scary as previously mentioned movies about killer cheese (see Alien Cheese and The Shining Cheese), this film is pure and simple about the touch of evil cheese. Once touched by the evil of the cheese and there’s no turning back. You’ll be evil. Because of the evil cheese. Did I mention there’s no turning back?
  7. The Apartment Cheese: While normal house cheese in one thing, this movie involves the worst kind of cheese around: the apartment cheese. Having sat in a fridge for months on end, the reveal of the apartment cheese will not only affect the lives of all who reside in the apartment complex, but cause hilarity to ensue based on simple miscommunication.
  8. Back to the Future Cheese: A teenage rebel striving for his dream to become a professional cheese-maker uses a time machine to retrieve future versions of cheese so that he can succeed today. But like everyone knows, when you bring future cheese into present day — the entire dairy world can implode upon itself, as it does in this exciting culinary time travel dairy film.
  9. Stand By Me Cheese: A British film that takes place in the poor part of the UK, and follows the stories of a group of down-and-out friends desperate to make a difference. Along the way the four friends will realize that not only does friendship matter the most in life, but so does standing by one’s cheese (as a metaphor). The classic line from this movie, which will most likely be repeated for decades is: “Wot do ya mean, mate? Just stand by me cheese!”
  10. Bringing Up Baby Cheese: A classic from the B&W days, this film stars former President Ronald Reagan as a man who thinks a block of cheese is an actual living, breathing child. Hilarity ensues when his relationship begins to fall apart when his girlfriend feels overshadowed and ignored because of the block of cheese. Sometimes, people need to choose and that’s just what our beloved Republican President will have to do!

An Emmy Story (Or, Paula Abdul’s Assistant Needs Deodorant)

I attended the wonderful Emmy Awards last night at the Shrine Auditorium.

It was a gala event filled with glorious celebrities with wonderful dresses and sparkling smiles… It was a room packed with the excitement of a thousand nights, celebrating all that is Television in the most classy way possible. Everywhere you looked there were stars mingling with the “regular folk” — going against the grain and proving to most that they are genuine, down-to-earth, and normal human beings just like the rest of us.

Oh, and Paula Abdul‘s assistant needs to start using deodorant.

Automobile SOS Buttons Are The New Crank Call

Do you have a new car?

Does your car come equipped with one of those “OnStar” or “SOS” buttons inside it? The kind where, if god forbid your car was hanging off an embankment, you would press and scream into so the authorities would come as quickly as possible to save you? The kind that, without actually even having a telephone feature enabled in your car, still calls someone…somewhere, with the simple push of a button?

Mine does. And it’s quickly replaced the crank calls of yesteryear.