I Am Blacker Than Jessica Stover

You may or may not know Jessica Stover.

But more important than who she is, her book or even the trailer for her book is the fact that she has got to be the whitest, most vanilla, most jazz-less, soul-less caucasian female on the face of the Earth.

Which means, without question, that I am blacker than Jessica Stover.

Before any of you get all up in arms over this post and tell me I’m a racist or something, or break down each of my upcoming points and throw them into the “stereotype column” let’s just remember that this isn’t about you. This is about me. And how I’m blacker than Jessica Stover. About how, if Jessica and I were both standing in the front row of a Black Eyed Peas concert and Fergie started singing the song ‘Where Is The Love” — I would be singing the lyrics word for word while Stover would be wondering aloud, “But doesn’t Justin Timberlake sing this song?”

Pauly D Black Factor 1, Jessica Stover, 0.

Before any of you tell me that I’m degrading a race by using it as fodder for a post here on WFME, I’d like you to remember one very important thing. When you get into my car and put on the CD changer you’ll hear music by 50 Cent, Miles Davis, Mariah Carey, Gnarls Barkley, Beyonce, Jurassic 5 and Pharrell. But Jessica Stover’s car? You’ll hear music by the Indigo Girls, Wilson Phillips, Bananarama and the Soundtrack CDs to movies like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.

White bread? Oh yeah.

But my level of blackness also far surpasses Stover’s blackness quotient when it comes to our everday lexiconical habits. Besides the fact that I’m a much cooler, much more laid back person who will always challenge “the man” at every turn — I often fold a variety of hip phraseology into my conversations. Here, let’s take a look at the same conversation with me at the helm and with Stover at the helm:

Police Officer: “Uh, sir? Do you know how fast you were driving?”
Me: “You pulled me over because I’m blacker than Jessica Stover, didn’t you?”
Police Officer: “Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about. License and registration, please.”
Me: “This is bullshit.”
Police Officer: “Sir, please get out of the car.”

Police Officer: “Uh, miss? Do you know how fast you were driving?”
Jessica Stover: “Approximately 40 in a 35, sir.”
Police Officer: “Well, as long as you’re aware of that… And if you slow down, I can probably let you off with a warning.”
Jessica Stover: “Oh, Officer. I know you have to do your job. If you have to give me a ticket, I’ll understand. But if you don’t, I’d be happy to give you a signed copy of my new book Aidmheil.”
Police Officer: “Aw, really?”

Do I really have to upload my excel chart at this point in the post to illustrate how when you look at the graph of my blackness factor versus Jessica Stover’s blackness factor that there really is no question whatsoever about who has more soul and angst running through their veins?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I watch sports. Stover? Not really. I used to run track. Stover? Gymnastics. I have the bass turned way up in my car. Stover? She thinks bass is a fish. I once was involved in a hit and run accident and I fled the scene of the crime and got off scott free after the witnesses couldn’t identify my face in a driver’s license picture line-up. Stover? She puts money in parking meters on Sundays.

I think the slam down is already in full-effect. (Which is a statement I would say but Stover would never say seeing as though I am blacker than Jessica Stover is.)

Is there a reason for me having to vocalize (or “break down”) my thoughts in this way? Should it really matter that I’m blacker than she is? Does it affect the world, our experiences and how we interact with the general public? Yeah, pretty much. But more importantly, it’s just good to know who’s blacker.

And that’s me.

18 comments on “I Am Blacker Than Jessica Stover

  1. cutiepie - July 29, 2006 at 9:55 am -

    Well, looks like people are scared to touch this one, Pauly.

    I suppose when you put it like that and I really look at your position, I have to agree with you.
    She does have a Mary Poppins thing going on. While you have that Too Live Crew vibe happening.

    Yep, I agree!

  2. Calico Jack - July 29, 2006 at 10:05 am -

    But Jessica’s down with the ninjas and the Star Wars nerds. Doesn’t that count for some-…wait, never mind.

  3. Pauly D - July 29, 2006 at 10:09 am -

    Cutiepie – Thanks for the props. Coming from you, it just further solidifies my position here.

    CJ – Thanks for seeing the light on this one.

  4. Dave2 - July 29, 2006 at 11:10 am -

    But I’ll bet she can do a bitchin’ Russian accent!

  5. susan - July 29, 2006 at 11:46 am -

    You may consider yourself blacker than Jessica Stover but her nickname has way more street cred than yours – sorry!
    (J.Sto vs. PaulyD not even close, Casper)

  6. Brooke - July 29, 2006 at 12:33 pm -

    But does she drink juice?

  7. thoughtsgalore - July 29, 2006 at 2:47 pm -

    ….and her teeth are waaaay whiter than yours, I bet!

  8. fringes - July 29, 2006 at 3:26 pm -

    Do you know this Jessica Stover person? Why, out of all the vanilla people in the world, did you choose her for this post? Just curious…

  9. SK - July 29, 2006 at 5:10 pm -

    I’m pretty sure 50 Cent has an album called ‘Aidmheil’.

  10. Pauly D - July 29, 2006 at 6:07 pm -

    Brooke – Yeah, ORANGE JUICE. I love me some GRAPE DRINK. Doesn’t that speak volumes?

    Thoughtsgalore – My teeth are off-white. Not pearly, like hers.

    Fringes – I chose her because she is the whitest white person to ever live and for some reason, she told me she thought she was blacker than I was.

    SK – Point taken.

  11. PaulyD Wears Birkenstocks - July 29, 2006 at 6:10 pm -

    You best prepare for retaliation in the form of drive-by blogging, fool.

  12. fringes - July 29, 2006 at 6:36 pm -

    I think–and this is just me–that if you substitute the word “cooler” for “blacker”, you would have the same post. Using blacker, to me, is like using Indianer or Mexicaner. There is no such thing. I do recognize the satire, however, so you may flog me for harping on semantics while I am sipping my vodka, commenting while buzzed.

  13. Pauly D - July 29, 2006 at 6:39 pm -

    Fringes – Yet if you substitute the word “drunker” it changes the subject of the post altogether.

    Think on that…if you can.

  14. Dave Grant - July 29, 2006 at 9:18 pm -

    Pauly…..I bet you sound just like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

    And dude……you claim to have been best friend’s with FPJr.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that is sufficient to drop you into the negatives on the blackness scoreboard……

  15. better safe than sorry - July 30, 2006 at 3:38 am -

    i have no idea who she is but even if i did, her colour would have been the last thing i noticed. i guess a colour issue, even among whites, is an amercian thing. good luck with it.

  16. Jessica - July 30, 2006 at 12:37 pm -

    Oh, snap! Never bring a blog to a VLOG fight.


  17. Pierce - July 30, 2006 at 3:06 pm -

    Wait. Why would I find Mariah Carey in your car?

    Wait…. There’s so many reasons I could have said “wait” here. I had difficulty choosing. You’re certainly more Russian than Jessica Stover anyway. And that’s worth something.

    I don’t think you are really in a position to compete with her on any level until you have a Photos page.

  18. […] The question asked, about a dollar, what would you do, speak up and hollah! […]

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