Today WFME Will Be Banning Car Ashtrays
July 27th, 2006
There’s nothing like a good “ban” to get the day rolling.
And while WFME had planned to use this space initially to ban harmonicas since they are the lamest, laziest musical instruments on the face of the earth (breath in, breath out, play music? please), there was a far better subject worth discussing, then banning. A far better useless item that was worth a good ol’ digital sit in.
That’s right. It’s your dwarf-like car ashtray that needs a slap in its plastic face.
First and foremost, let’s examine what a garbage is for. A garbage is an item that is big enough to “hold garbage.” That’s right, if your kitchen garbage only held one wrapper from one mayonnaise jar… Or if that garbage pail underneath your office desk only held three paperclips and one handful of three-hole punch machine discards… Well, that would be a pretty sad little garbage, now wouldn’t it? If garbages were really that small and useless, you might as well just call them harbages as in: “Har har har… I can’t fit anything in this silly little contraption!”
Yeah, let’s leave that alone.
So then why, in automobiles… The one place where we create the most garbage per person than any other place, are we given tiny little plastic-molded ashtray garbages that are literally the size of one pack of gum and 3 millimeters of lint discardations? One typical daily trip in a car can typically produce garbage that is the equivalent of three gum wrappers, one empty plastic water bottle, two food wrappers, pocket crap and some errant pennies here and there.
So then why the hell doesn’t someone create an in-car garbage that can hold even half of that?
Some of you are going to stand up and defend the “car garbage” (or ashtray) by saying that it’s not a garbage at all. “Give my black-lunged best-friend the ashtray a break!” you pre-cancerous smokers might say. “I love my ashtray and it’s just THAT, an ashtray. It ain’t a garbage!” Well to you people all I can say is, if the car ashtray is just an ashtray and not a garbage… And then that means the car has NO GARBAGE WHATSOEVER… Well, then what bright-eyed creative genius came up with the idea to not include any garbage in the car at all?
See where I’m coming from?
As a result of the in-auto deficient garbage holders, WFME has decided to make car garbages the “item in the crosshairs” for today’s WFME ban. That means that the minute you read this you must participate in the process. You must ban your cars’ ashtray garbage. Have an old gum wrapper you need to dispose of? Save it in your pocket. Have a burger wrapper you need to do away with? In your briefcase, please. Found some old dead beetle on the floor of your car? Let it rest in peace…where you found it.
Don’t give that car garbage any lovin’ on today, this day of ban-age.
Maybe then the automakers will take notice. Maybe then they’ll produce a car that can both get good gas mileage and have a nice-sized garbage instead of a passenger side bucket seat. Maybe when the creative people in charge of desigining cars see all of us getting out of our cars with garbage spilling forth from our pockets, they’ll finally realize the error of their ways. Maybe if we all stick together and ban the car garbage/ashtray with passion, dedication and drive (no pun intended) — maybe then we can change the world and move on to more important things to ban.
Like the harmonica.
Which has got to be the laziest musical instrument on the face of the Earth.
When I bought my car, I was told it was a “non-smoking car,” meaning there was no ashtray and no lighter. So sadly, I can’t relate to this post.
Comment by Hilary — July 27, 2006 @ 8:38 am
My cars have no ashtrays. Therefore, I collect no garbage.
Comment by Amy — July 27, 2006 @ 8:38 am
Amy - B-b-but…where does all the garbage go?
Comment by Pauly D — July 27, 2006 @ 8:45 am
My car is carry-in, carry-out. You just don’t leave garbage. Like Yellowstone.
Comment by Mark K — July 27, 2006 @ 8:59 am
Considering most smoking drivers flick their ashes and spent cigarettes out the window anyway, get rid of the ashtrays. If you want to smoke in your car, as is your right, then why don’t you keep it in the car? Because you don’t want your car to smell like your breath and clothes and hair? You don’t want your car to smell like the smoker that you are? Then hey, try quitting and spare other motorists your flaming projectiles or use the ashtrays in the car as intended.
As for my trash while driving, well cupholders, door bins and those pockets on the backs or lower fronts of seats need a sweeping out every week or so in my cars.
Comment by jerry — July 27, 2006 @ 9:26 am
Despite car ashtrays being smaller than matchbooks, how come I still manage to squeeze in an ungodly amount of chewed gum? Sans the wrapper, of course, which pisses my husband off to no end, but I digress. I’m not convinced that this item is ban-worthy. Car ashtrays have been good to me over the years, what with my manic gum chewing.
Comment by Jen — July 27, 2006 @ 9:37 am
So what should one do with the ashtray? Rip it out? Travel trash could then be stuffed into the mangled hole. Now that I think about it, does my car even have an ashtray?
Comment by susan — July 27, 2006 @ 10:56 am
You obviously haven’t heard my harmonica tune Blues Don’t Get Off! I understand your ban against harmonicas though, Oh Susannah has given harps a bad name.
Comment by Jeff — July 27, 2006 @ 12:42 pm
I’m with Susan. What the hell are we supposed to do with our ashtrays then? Will it still be acceptable to store change there? Everyhing in my car, except the fuzzy dice, must have a purpose!
Comment by T. Malone — July 27, 2006 @ 12:57 pm
i don’t have an ashtray or lighter in my car either. i also don’t have any garbage, don’t let anyone eat or drink in my car. but i do have lots of dog fur, lots and lots.
Comment by better safe than sorry — July 27, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
Susan & T.Malone - What, just because you have an ashtray, you have to do something with it? Don’t you have anything in your house that you avoid and refuse to use on a daily basis? Like an iron or dental floss? If you can do that, you can ignore your useless and too-small-for-comfort ashtray/garbage.
Comment by Pauly D — July 27, 2006 @ 1:14 pm
Pauly…no picture? Is the world coming to an end?
Comment by annabel lee — July 27, 2006 @ 3:40 pm
We use our ashtrays in our vehicles…in the pickup it’s the quarter deposit for buying water, and in the van it’s the loose change deposit.
Comment by Anne — July 27, 2006 @ 4:43 pm
the ashtray in my car can hold only my lip balm and work access card. in some instances, it’s actually a road hazard: like often i just end up throwing stuff on the floor on the passenger side. problem is when the top’s down and I reach a respectable speed, all the chocolate wrappers just go flying out.
Comment by junaid — July 28, 2006 @ 2:53 am
I LOVE MY ASHTRAY! It has never had ashes in it, but it’s INVALUABLE for holding a bunch of coins and a few rolled up dollar bills for when I’m going through a toll booth or in desperate need to hit a drive-thru for a Coke or something. ~Monica
Comment by Monica Ricci — July 29, 2006 @ 12:43 pm