Taxidermy Is The New Accounting

Stuffing animals and crunching numbers isn’t so different.

Because while you have to hunt down animals, you also have to hunt down numbers. While you might enjoy animals, you often don’t enjoy being overwhelmed by many of them…much like accountants enjoy numbers but don’t like being overwhelmed by them. Animals come in different shapes and sizes. Much like numbers. And when you get paid for doing something to animals (stuffing them) that others pretty much don’t understand, it comes deathly close to the art of accounting.

What did I tell you? Taxidermy is the new accounting.

Today’s post, if you must know, is #4 in a series of 20 “this thing is the new that thing” posts, and we’ve already been privy to “chewing gum is the new Presidential assassination”, “jumping rope is the new cerebellum surgery” and “dancing and enjoying life with a loved one is the new People weekly crossword puzzle.” And #5, man. Watch out. The one that will follow this one will be literally groundbreaking as it discusses how “ingesting a box of cereal in one sitting is the new auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

But today, we’ll just be talking about taxidermy and accounting.

People used to go to school for accounting. People wanted to become CPAs. People thought that if they were great at math and calculus and crunching numbers and what not — that the road to becoming an accountant would be a wonderful career. And for awhile it was. For awhile there were number parties and high-profile CPAs ruling the world of accounting, driving fast cars, snagging even faster women, and showing the world that you could be a superstar in the limelight with only a solar calculator and a pen protector.

But then taxidermy came onto the scene.

Taxidermy (or the art of stuffing dead animals to make them look alive) really has a lot in common with accounting, but presents a whole new level of accounting while taking things to the next level. While accountants spend years going to school for their jobs, taxidermists don’t need any education. Can you stuff crap into another self-containted pouch of something-or-other? Done. Can you look at an animal and be able to tell the person next to you if they look alive or dead? Bingo! Do you like fur? Well of course you like fur.

People go to accountants out of necessity, just like people come to taxidermists out of necessity. People go to accountants because they don’t know if the way they crunch their numbers is the right way and they’re looking for some advice. People go to taxidermists because they don’t want to stuff their own pet. Similar careers, but a leap ahead in necessity.

That’s why taxidermy is the new accounting.

Right now you think I’m crazy. Certifiable, perhaps. Lunaticical. But you know what? Twenty years from now when you find out your kid is about to marry a taxidermist instead of a lawyer or accountant and you find yourself giddy with excitement because your kid is going to have a wonderful life because “those taxidermists sure make a real nice living,” you’ll think back to today and how ludicrous it sounded to you and how wrong you were.

In fact, if you would like to tell me now that you were wrong (just to save face in the future), I’d be happy to encourage you to do so.

13 comments on “Taxidermy Is The New Accounting

  1. Amy - July 25, 2006 at 8:28 am -

    I didn’t know “lunaticical” was a word, Pauly.

  2. Pauly D - July 25, 2006 at 8:30 am -

    It’s a word here, Amy.

  3. Mark K - July 25, 2006 at 8:43 am -

    I think this thing is the new that thing is the new you decide.

  4. Pauly D - July 25, 2006 at 8:46 am -

    Mark – I think you’re the new Jacquie.

  5. Hilary - July 25, 2006 at 9:09 am -

    And the creepiness factor, Pauly? You have to admit that taxidermists must be creepier than accountants. Ew ew ew.

  6. Pauly D - July 25, 2006 at 9:11 am -

    Hil – That’s a common misconception. Taxidermists aren’t creepy. They’re artistic. Brad Pitt could be a taxidermist. So could Russel Crowe. Unless you’ve met a creepy taxidermist, but I doubt you have.

  7. sandra - July 25, 2006 at 10:31 am -

    To support your “yay, my kid is marrying a taxidermist instead of an accountant or lawyer” hypothetical…imagine the decorative possibilities. Can one decorate one’s house with accounting spreadsheets? Only if they’re crazy! But stuffed animal head…well, now that there’s home.

  8. ms. sizzle - July 25, 2006 at 11:39 am -

    taxidermy creeps me out.

  9. Elisa - July 25, 2006 at 1:22 pm -

    funny you wrote this post. i work at an online school and our two biggest requests are for accounting and taxidermy classes. it all makes sense now.

  10. The Centaur - July 25, 2006 at 1:32 pm -

    I agree. Accounting is definitely on the decline, as people can now purchase software to assist them in their tax preparation.

    Of course, as soon as they develop TurboTaxidermy software to guide me through it, I will no longer need to hire expensive professionals to stuff the carcasses of the many dead animals I posess.

  11. Raegan - July 25, 2006 at 5:24 pm -

    Numbers are nothing like animals. I hate numbers, they suck. I made 33 percent on my grade 12 math exam, not because I am not smart enough but because I don’t care. That is why I pay people like you to do my taxes. I am right brained, there I said it. I am an artist of sorts. Not the sandwich artist type though. Thank God for that. Peace Raegan. P.S blog me sometime, you accountants need different stimulation- ooooo feel the burn.

  12. Pauly D - July 25, 2006 at 5:33 pm -

    Raegan – That was very eloquently said. Unfortunately I am no accountant. Nor am I a taxidermist.

    Although, did you hear? Taxidermy is the new accounting.

  13. Nicole - July 26, 2006 at 9:21 am -

    Centaur – TurboTaxidermy? Histerical!

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