Today I Will Challenge USA Today Writer Paul Davidson To A Duel
July 19th, 2006
“I loved what you had to say about wireless ISP’s,” she told me.
And then she went on to tell me about how much she admired my article on which “multinational corporation would pay for the Internet Superhighway.” That was, of course, nothing compared to the time my general practitioner took time out from examining me to chide me over the fact that I would waste readers’ time by giving Roger Ogden any press for his new post as “head of the Gannett Center for Design and Innovation.”
Apparently, my fear of having a doppleganger was actually coming true since I had no idea what they were talking about or what articles they were speaking of.
After some extensive research (well, more like “fleeting”) I quickly realized what was going on. While the Paul Davidson you know was writing about how your cell phone ringtone wasn’t fooling anyone, my doppleganger and new nemesis Paul Davidson (of USA Today) was writing about how “rural cellphone carriers say their bigger national competitors [were] squeezing them out of the wireless market..”
“I write for Wired,” I would tell people. “Not USA Today.”
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, I am very possessive about my name. That means, I don’t want anyone else to have it. That’s why I have been endlessly frustrated by the Scottish lawyer, Paul Davidson, who owns the domain name I have always lusted after (pauldavidson.com). But coming across another writer named Paul Davidson was just too much for me to handle.
And so I have decided to challenge USA Today’s Paul Davidson to a duel.
If you think about it, it’s a shame that people don’t have duels anymore these days. I mean, the last well-known famous duel was the Aaron Burr v. Alexander Hamilton duel (which you can read about in this amazing new book called The Lost Blogs). But since then? No duels. I suspect part of it has to do with laws against shooting someone out in the open with spectators, but I’m not going to argue that point right now. Instead, I’ll just say again:
I’ve decided to challenge Paul Davidson to a duel.
I, author/screenwriter/blogger & freelance journalist Paul Davidson of paul davidson dot net challenge USA Today’s freelance technology writer Paul Davidson to a duel. Such a duel will take place in a centralized locale (halfway between our two hometown locations) in a public place like a park, main street of a city or on a grassy knoll of some kind. Weapons may be guns but don’t have to be guns. They can be something less fatal if both parties agree to said faux-weapons. But, whatever the form of weapon that is used — it must inflict enough pain to cause one of the two parties to drop to the ground in a submissive state, thus bearing no confusion on which of the two parties have lost the duel. Some potential examples of less fatal weapons that may be used in this scenario may include (but are not limited to): tazer guns, paintball guns, guns that shoot marbles or stale Tootsie rolls, boomerangs, large metal pipes, tranquilizer darts, blowguns or tacks of some kind. Paul Davidson of USA Today will have thirty (30) days in which to accept this duel here on this blog, in the comments section of this post, at which point the two parties will have ten (10) days in which to decide on a place, set a date within another thirty (30) days, and then inform all interested parties and spectators as to the location, weapon-type and time of the duel. If Paul Davidson of USA Today does not accept the duel, does not respond, or does not make any mention of this challenge, he must reliniquish the name Paul Davidson in any and all USA Today writings, leaving myself as the only writer with the name Paul Davidson in the continental United States.
Alright, Paul Davidson of USA Today, you have been challenged.
Bring it!
can I be the girl that drops the handkerchief to begin such a duel? or is that just in drag racing?
Comment by Kathleen — July 19, 2006 @ 7:56 am
Kathleen - If you are wearing a poodle skirt, you can drop the handkerchief. In drag racing, it’s a flag. Although, it really depends on what weapons we agree to use. If we’re going to throw boomerangs or something, I suspect we’d ask you to drop a baby kangaroo.
Comment by Pauly D — July 19, 2006 @ 7:58 am
Well, at least you don’t have the same name as the actress that gets killed in the shower in “Pyscho.” There is something to that.
You are brave sir. This is serious business.
Comment by Janet — July 19, 2006 @ 8:42 am
My money’s on you.
Comment by Amy — July 19, 2006 @ 8:46 am
Thank Jeebus that my doppleganger is a breast surgeon in Brooklyn. The bonuses of having a less-popular name…
Comment by Keith — July 19, 2006 @ 8:49 am
Paul the key is to make sure your tenth pace lands on the foot with which you will pivot back around. That must also be the foot from which you take proper stance to fire off a round. It is a single motion the pivot-take aim stance. And make sure you don’t stand full frontal take your aim from a stance that runs perpendicular to the pace line you just counted off. This gives him less of a target to hit. Finally, haste makes waste. Don’t swivel and fire in a hurry as many duel losers do turning and firing almost before they finish the motion thereby insuring the bullet ends up nowhere near the other dueler. Be swift in your pivot but take a measured moment to properly calculate your shot. And don’t kill the fool. If at all possible leave him embarrassed with a flesh wound to the leg so his hobble will stand as a sorry reminder evermore.
Comment by jerry — July 19, 2006 @ 9:28 am
Just make sure you’re wearing a white hat, and he’s wearing a black hat. Then by definition, you’re the good guy, and if this is the last battle (you’re not planning any subsequent duels, right?) you’ll win.
Comment by annabel lee — July 19, 2006 @ 9:42 am
Is this going to be on Pay Per View? T-shirts and endorsement deals to follow?
Comment by Karl — July 19, 2006 @ 9:56 am
Keith - Thank god you don’t want to work with breasts for a living or else you’d have some real competition.
Jerry - I printed out your comment, laminated it, and put it in my wallet. Thanks.
AL - White TOP hat? Or baseball?
Karl - Cafepress shirts for sure, with the phrase “I Watched Paul Davidson Kill Paul Davidson And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”
Comment by Pauly D — July 19, 2006 @ 10:45 am
A doctor friend of mine had a doppleganger who was writing controversial letters to the editor about how cowardly the Al Quida terrorists were. He eventually had to write his own letter to the editor claiming that he was NOT the other guy.
This whole doppleganger thing can get very messy.
Comment by Jeff — July 19, 2006 @ 11:31 am
ooooh, CAT FIGHT!
Comment by dgm — July 19, 2006 @ 12:50 pm
I have no doppleganger. Nor am I ever likely to. I got extremely uncomfortable the one or two times I’ve even met another Pierce.
Do you know what this guy looks like? I hear IT journalists are generally pretty built.
Comment by Pierce — July 19, 2006 @ 1:04 pm
I have a poodle skirt.
Comment by Kathleen — July 19, 2006 @ 2:18 pm
I have a doppleganger who lives in New York and steals my frequent flyer miles. Bitch! Well, I think it’s actually the fault of the airline mileage program employees that my miles are not in the proper account, but still!
Comment by Nicole — July 19, 2006 @ 6:16 pm
I’m waiting for you to show up with an AK-47 automatic rifle when the doppledanger Paul Davidson comes to the duel with a Tootsie Roll gun. Clever.
Comment by Dave2 — July 19, 2006 @ 7:15 pm
Pierce - I have no idea what he looks like, but I would be more than willing to host a “look-off” as a pre-event to the duel. That would be where we could look at each other and determine who was better looking. I would probably win that, too.
Kat - Then you can be a part of my hot rod racing duel when, um, I travel back to the 1950’s in a DeLorean.
Nic - Please. Tell me more about this.
Dave - Why do you gotta ruin my juice all the time by ruining my secret plans?
Comment by Pauly D — July 20, 2006 @ 6:09 am
How exactly do dopplegangers work? Is it like twins? If you tag yourself in the sprouts, will he feel it?
Comment by Peter — July 20, 2006 @ 7:57 am
my doppleganger is a professional wrestler. can your doppleganger be the opposite gender?
Comment by jodi — July 20, 2006 @ 9:46 am
I googled my name once to see if anyone else had it. Well, I might be the only one with it now cause the other woman with the same name was tortured, raped and murdered. I quickly lost interest in dopplegangers after that.
Comment by Rabbit — July 20, 2006 @ 4:48 pm
My doppelganger is an old dead famous architect. I would have dueled with her in a second, but then maybe she would have found out that I lied and said I was related to her when another famous architect asked me if I was. Well, I am related…it is me!
Go get ‘em Paul. If you need a dueling location mid-continent, there are lots of pretty parks in Minnesota and lots of stoic Norwegian people who would sit passively by and watch….for HOURS. IF someone fell down, they might even politely clap.
Comment by jj — July 20, 2006 @ 8:02 pm
I definitely have a doppleganger, and I know for a fact that she’s not living better than me. She’s everything I’m not, yet somehow, she strives to mimic me. Though, she’s not the only one I’ve ever had. I’ve had a new DG every few years since I’m 12. But, in order to be me you have to know about comic books and thrash metal — you can’t fake that shit.
Comment by Eve — July 20, 2006 @ 8:25 pm
I always wondered why you were .net. I thought you were just being unique.
Comment by Jacquie — July 21, 2006 @ 5:22 am
I was trying to find a way to contact PD of USA Today. Hopefully he will google his name and see the presented challenged. I would love to see what happens next.
What is next anyway? A dual with the scottish PD for domain rights?
Comment by Jacquie — July 21, 2006 @ 5:24 am
Ha! I’ll never have a doppleganger in my life. My last name is Agun, seriously, and when I checked, the only “aguns” alive are me, my brother, and some old people who my dad seemed to know a long time ago. My brother, however, has had many. A long line of “Tom Agun”s who knew? Aperently some relative way-back-when decided to “americanize” our name (atkunas) and i suppose thy didn’t do a great job. Aw, oh well…no one to duel… At least I’m doppleganger free. excellent!
Comment by Tricia — July 25, 2006 @ 12:57 am