Stupid People Love Accidents
July 15th, 2006
A man flew off his motorcycle last night as he slammed into a car.
He lay there in the middle of the street with the policemen and the EMTs and his loving girlfriend/wife who sat there by his side as he tried to sit up.
His crotch-rocket was crushed and scratched, laying in the middle of the street while a four-door car sat parked off to the side with a huge chunk out of it’s driver’s side.
And the stupid people who love accidents stood blabbering away on the sidewalk.
Trust me when I tell you I’ve done the research (as I always do). Smart people do not love accidents. They do not sit around and watch the “scene of the accident” for hours on end in their multi-pocketed shorts and flip-flops. No, smart people do not take the time to discuss accidents because they’re spending such time discussing war, science, language, goal-setting and the arts.
But stupid people love accidents.
As I drove by the scene of the above accident I described, I opened my window and looked out at the people standing right there on the curb. The myriad of responses and conversations ranged from pointing at the man in the middle of the road and saying, “Wow, did you see that?” to “Ouch, he must be in pain” to the everyday stupid people/accident lovers jockeying for attention from the traffic cops so they can be “the one” to give a statement.
But smart people? Nowhere to be seen.
In fact, in a double-blind survey given to 100 people at the local movie multiplex, 50 smart people and 50 stupid people were given a list of questions related to accidents and the voyeuristic tendencies that follow, and their answers pretty much support our research here at WFME.
Stupid people standing by and watching accidents that have already happened spend most of their time spouting exclamations like wow, oh my, that’s crazy, holy crap, and duuuuuude. Smart people, on the other hand, often say things like, “the velocity of that motorcycle obviously reached the tipping point, requiring an amount of road that was not available to the rider, thus causing this tragic and heinous incident” to “if the local government spent more time raising money for this city’s necessary road repairs then maybe tragedies like this wouldn’t happen.”
Stupid people? Meet smart people.
And even worse than stupid people loving accidents are the stupid people who love accidents, driving. Put a group of stupid people in cars and let them drive past an accident on the freeway and watch the entire traffic congestion factor ramp up to the point of a snail’s pace. And then listen in amazement as the stupid people who love accidents (and who are also driving as they’re loving accidents) say things like, “Why is there so much traffic here!?” and “What are all you people looking at!? Just drive!!”
The smart people, on the other hand, while driving past the scene of an accident on the freeway are usually heard to say things like, “traffic flow is like the flow of water… if one miniscule bead of water slows, so too does the rest of the herd” and “did you happen to catch David Sedaris on PBS last night?” And sometimes, when the accident is really bad, smart people throw out a “had these drivers only studied the effects of hot rubber against hot asphalt they might have prevented such a horrific incident” every now and again, as well.
Smart people love smoking pipes while driving. Stupid people eat Taco Bell bean burritos with sour cream and end up squeezing it onto their jeans. Smart people debate aloud along with NPR. Stupid people sing the wrong lyrics to popular songs on Top 40 radio. Smart people turn into the fishtail while stupid people raise up their hands and scream something like “holy crap the car is spinning!”
And stupid people also love accidents.
What can I say, it’s a reality of life we’ve all got to come to terms with. It’s an everyday occurence that affects all of us as we drive our way to work and play. It’s just a matter of deciding which of these groups you actually belong to.
Are you a stupid person? Or a smart one?
I love bean burritos with sour cream… I get those ALL THE TIME.
However.
when an accident happens in the oncimng lanes - I get SO IRRITATED when people on the other side of the freeway slow down. I feel bad for the people involved in the accident, but there’s no reason I need to see it. I wish they would build those divider walls higher.
Comment by Kathleen — July 15, 2006 @ 11:56 am
In Chicago, we call those annoyances, “Gapers Delays.”
Comment by Amy — July 15, 2006 @ 7:13 pm
Unless I can be of help, or know somebody involved whom I might be of service to… I just stay out of the frickin’ way. I guess I don’t find the misfortune of others to be good entertainment.
Comment by Dave2 — July 15, 2006 @ 8:29 pm
Hi. I’m a highly intelligent person with a B.A. in Criminal Investigations. A former award winning newspaper reporter who happens to LOVE to stand watch accidents. And then go out and see if anything else has occurred. I never have been called stupid as an adult. So wow… thanks for finally labeling me.
Comment by Amy — July 15, 2006 @ 9:59 pm
Amy - It’s not about “watching the accidents” per se, but what you say when you see them. If you spout out something criminally-interesting that confuses everyone else around you with your witty references… Well, then you may just be smart.
Comment by Pauly D — July 15, 2006 @ 10:04 pm
Yeah the “Rubber Neck Effect” here in Austin is amazing. I am a very calm person, but damnit put me behind the wheel when a bunch of morons are slowing down to look at an accident on the other side of the road, you better belive I’m honking like crazy and yelling for them to get FU$%$ moving.
Comment by pylorns — July 16, 2006 @ 8:57 am
If I’m standing nearby when a pedestrian gets hit by a car (or, in Manhattan, a bike), I would do something to help or get out of the way of someone who could. I’ve been in situations where there was an accident and my friend was hurt on the ground and the crowd of people were hovering over her doing NOTHING but sucking up her oxygen.
If the accident is something I’m driving by, I just drive on by. Especially if it’s on the other side of the highway, and it isn’t physically barring me from contining!
There is NO WAY in hell I’m standing around for hours to watch the post-accident happenings. I don’t want to speak with the police if I didn’t really see anything (it’s different if I was the sole witness to a hit and run!). It reminds of me that Dane Cook skit where he says everyone wants to be involved in some way in the accident and they want to give their testimony to the police even if they didn’t see shit!
Comment by Eve — July 16, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
When I was little I once saw a cyclist who had gotten under the tram, and it was horrible. Since then, I never look when there’s been an accident, unless I am the only one there and have to help. But that never happens, so mostly I ignore accidents.
Comment by Merel — July 17, 2006 @ 2:42 am
Here in the Boston area, traffic reporters say “The Curiosity Factor” when referring to a slow down due to an accident. Isn’t that a cute name for stupid people hanging around or slowing down to see potential gore and the misery of others?
Comment by susan — July 17, 2006 @ 8:02 am
The question is this. Are you double the amount of stupid if you slow down and then get into an accident of your own?
And if you don’t know the answer to that one, go ahead and triple your stupid score.
Comment by Janet — July 17, 2006 @ 8:16 am
Here in AZ they call it “rubber necking” when there is traffic slowing because of an accident.
I stumpled across your website through another link.
I’ll be back…too funny!
Comment by Lisa — July 19, 2006 @ 12:45 pm
Wow, I totally agree with this article. Thinking about accidents, most people do not realize that to maintain the same velocity relative to the pre-accident motion (given a lane is closed) at the accident site they would have to double their velocity, otherwise you get a bottlenecking occuring. But concerning that accident, I was thinking about the torque occuring on the bike, resulting from the rotational inertia experiencing a jerk force affecting the rotational acceleration. I find accidents, though macambre in nature, to be an interesting application to physics, and it is breath-taking to consider the amount of kinetic energy lost during such a collision, and the implications on the human body. Oh, and NPR sucks ass.
Comment by Ryuzo — November 30, 2006 @ 4:52 pm