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If I Was Only A Confetti Nose Sneezer
Surprise!
It’s probably a word I’d have to really get used to if I was a confetti nose sneezer: you know the type of person I’m talking about, right? The kind that, every time they sneeze, multi-colored flecks of paper go shooting out and up into the air around said confetti nose sneezer? The kind of person who is always a distraction at funerals and corporate retreats and important stock holder meetings? The kind of person who, while their allergies are acting up, is also like a party waiting to happen?
Man. If only that was me.
Let’s just come out and agree on one very important point and get it out of the way. Being sick, sucks. Allergies and congestion and that night-time sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever kind of thing? But just imagine how hard it would be to keep that dour look on your face (while sick) if every time you sneezed a huge cloud of confetti came shooting out?
Sure, you’d be sitting there on the bed as the multi-colored party slowly wafted through the air and settled around you on the covers. Sure, some pieces could potentially have a slick clear mucus on them. But every time you’ve wondered aloud at a pre-planning surprise party meeting if there was any simple way to gluestick confetti onto a backdrop wall and no one had the answer…? Well, you’d have the answer right there in your nose.
But more important than the fact that shooting flecks of paper and glitter out your nose every time you sneezed would be the fact that every time you shot flecks of paper and glitter out your nose around other people — well, everyone would immediately feel the spirit to jump up and celebrate!
At Your Office’s Weekly Status Meeting:
Your Boss: “…and the financial projections we’re looking at-”
INSERT SNEEZE HERE.
Everyone: “Surprise!!!!!”
Let’s be honest — whether you’re popping some of those confetti poppers or throwing balloons into the air or even just flipping the lights of a conference room on and off… People are conditioned to yell surprise in a selection of situations, but most importantly when a pile of confetti goes shooting through the air. And thanks to the confetti nose sneezer, there would be a party going on every time the pollen count went up.
That’s why, sometimes late at night when the entire world’s asleep (and the questions run so deep for such a simple man) I think about how my life would be different if I was a confetti nose sneezer. It would be a life punctuated by happiness and good cheer all the year round. I wouldn’t need friends to cheer me up, I’d just need a little bit of those smelling salts (or that hot mustard) to get the party started. Dogs and cats, which I’m currently allergic to, would no longer represent a bad thing to me — but they would instead represent a potential party at every turn.
I could even turn nose bleeds into a Valentine’s Day event.
So don’t flip up your nose at the confetti nose sneezer. Don’t get grossed out by the party’s nasal delivery method. Don’t put down the one man who can turn a somber moment into Cinco de Mayo. Embrace the concept of the confetti nose sneezer and work with me in finding a way to make such a thing possible for all mankind.
(Someone just told me you can just shove some confetti up your nose and get the same effect as if you were born with such an affliction, er, blessing.)
So, yeah. Let’s embrace it. It’s all we’ve got.
So is the Confetti Nose Sneezer available for parties?
Hil – If that was me, yes I would be available for parties and bar mitzvahs.
only you?!?! would think of this. I love it!
Are you trying to tell us it’s your birthday????
No, that’s next month. (Aug 17)
If this were me…. Allergy season would be a daily freakin’ New Year’s Eve-like event!!! Because, you see, I am a multiple…. sneezer. My whole life people have said “why don’t you sneeze all at once?” in irritation (or now jealousy) at the 9th or 10th consecutive sneeze. Wheeee!!!!
It’s almost my birthday though. Maybe Pauly will make a surprise sneeze for me.
Hm…wish my brother was a confetti sneezer. He’s allergic to waking up early (which is unforunate because his job requires it), Spring, and a few other things I don’t remember. Sometimes he’s so gross…I think confetti would be MUCH nicer than what comes out now!
Would the excitement of being a confetti nose sneezer also mean you would spend the rest of your life cleaning up confetti? Because everybody knows that if you are responsible for the party, the excitement is always followed by a horrible day in which you clean up and you maybe have a hangover or only got 2 hours of sleep and find that you’ve managed to trash everything in all the fun. That might make being a confetti nose sneezer one of those horrible things that people like us speculate would be wonderful until it happens and we discover that it’s the worst possible turn of events.
-E
Esmee – You’re talking about the Confetti Nose Sneezer-Cleaner Upper, right?
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be that guy.
It would kind of be fun to leap in the air and pump your fists up and down every time you sneezed.
You do NOT want to hang out with his cousin – flatulence kazoo guy.
You know, they say when you sneeze it takes on the life of an orgasm. Prehaps like a sneeze, somebody can’t do it for you, but they sure can help(or hinder). Now, if you include the confetti, everybody is more the wiser of when it truly happens. Mystery solved……
At the time of my clicking on you… you are #5!!!
Woo hoo!!
Go Pauly, It’s your birfday (Aug 17th). Go Pauly! It’s your birfday (Aug 17th).
Ooops, I meant this for another post, drrrrrrrrrrr.