I am going to be the hybrid Tony Robbins/Donald Trump of the Blogosphere.
No, that’s not because people hang on my words like a digital textual version of E.F. Hutton or because I can motivate you to buy my personalized face-adorned cologne. It is because I have come up with an idea so simple and so stunning that no one can catch me now. I’m like in a full-sprint of amazing money-making ideas, and this is just #43. Can you imagine what life will be like for me when I reach #44? Can you see my hair flowing in the wind while my feet go left and right and left and right up the hill of competition and emerge at the apex of that hill, a full-fledged winner?
Single people? This one’s for you.
Let me pose a question to all those single people out there who are desperate to find that soul mate:
Q: Do you want to find your soul mate but you’re fed up with all those online dating sites? Fed up with having to fill out long, tiresome questionnaires that ask you about your hobbies and your religious background and if you smoke or drink and what books and movies you love to read and view? Are you sick and tired of having to submit a picture, which means having to take a good one, from the right angle, and even then the dimensions and pixels are off and you look more like a creature from one of the Krofft Superstar weekend programs from the 70’s? Do you wish people understood your references to the Krofft Superstar weekend programs of the 70’s?
If you answered yes, yes, yes and “what’s the Krofft Superstar weekend program from the 70’s”, then this million-dollar idea is perfect for you.
Here’s the thing. I’ve put a lot of thought into what makes two people fall in love. I’ve put a lot of time, energy and research into developing a simple program that I think can bring two like-minded people together and ensure a successful and loving relationship until the end of time. I spit on people like Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony who, “backed by over 35 years of clinical and empirical research, used a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles…” and, pretty much, created yet another dating website that is worth about as much as my old Betamax video tapes of the 70’s hit Krofft Superstar programs Land of the Lost and Electra Woman & Dyna Girl probably are. Love isn’t complicated. It shouldn’t be. It should be so simple that anyone can find true happiness.
That’s why I’ve created Single Juice dot com.
No hour-long profiles to fill out. No inane lists of questions asking you about meaningless things like how often you do drugs or how many times you’ve been previously married. No laboring over witty paragraphs that should, if you’re lucky, fool others into thinking you’re the one for them. No, it all comes down to juice.
Simply logon to Single Juice and answer one simple question. What’s your favorite juice? Is it orange? Tomato? Kiwi? Guava? Orange-Pineapple? Orange-Pineapple-Banana? Pomegranate? Lime? Celery? Coconut? Or even apple-cranberry?
It’s as simple as a glass of juice.
Then, by using a non-complicated, non-expensive, non-intrusive matching system, the computer circuits behind Single Juice will spit out a short list of ten other singles in your area who also love the same juice as you! That’s right, it would take you longer to squeeze out a 12 oz. glass of fresh squeezed orange juice in your kitchen than it will to find your soul mate!
Yes, I know. There are already nay-sayers out there.
But let me put it to you this way: don’t you think that two people who are absolutely crazy over drinking gallons of guava juice have more in common than two Christians? Don’t you think that two people who love their bloody (and potentially laced with cleaning fluid) pomegranate juice probably have more in common than two people who say they loved the movie White Chicks? Don’t you think that two people who have a passion for passionfruit juice probably have way more in common than two people looking for a “casual friendship with benefits”?
Juice is a very serious subject. No one just “drinks juice” because they grew up being fed a certain kind of juice or because their parents told them it was good for them (like growing up with a religion, a list of books necessary to read, or a slew of other societal requirements). No. People drink juice because they like the juice they’re drinking.
It’s as simple as juice.
So until Single Juice goes live, don’t waste your time with the eHarmonys and Match.com’s of the Internet. Don’t waste your time with speed dating and blind dates and trying to meet people in the produce section of your local supermarket. Don’t worry about buying shots for particularly cheap women in bars and don’t worry about scoping out the latest Fireman calendar for your next obsession. Just spend your time deciding which juice you love the most and make that…what defines you.
Because come Fall…it’s all about the juice.
And that’s reason #43 why I will become a millionaire.