Reason #43 Why I Will Be A Millionaire

I am going to be the hybrid Tony Robbins/Donald Trump of the Blogosphere.

No, that’s not because people hang on my words like a digital textual version of E.F. Hutton or because I can motivate you to buy my personalized face-adorned cologne. It is because I have come up with an idea so simple and so stunning that no one can catch me now. I’m like in a full-sprint of amazing money-making ideas, and this is just #43. Can you imagine what life will be like for me when I reach #44? Can you see my hair flowing in the wind while my feet go left and right and left and right up the hill of competition and emerge at the apex of that hill, a full-fledged winner?

Single people? This one’s for you.

Let me pose a question to all those single people out there who are desperate to find that soul mate:

Q: Do you want to find your soul mate but you’re fed up with all those online dating sites? Fed up with having to fill out long, tiresome questionnaires that ask you about your hobbies and your religious background and if you smoke or drink and what books and movies you love to read and view? Are you sick and tired of having to submit a picture, which means having to take a good one, from the right angle, and even then the dimensions and pixels are off and you look more like a creature from one of the Krofft Superstar weekend programs from the 70’s? Do you wish people understood your references to the Krofft Superstar weekend programs of the 70’s?

If you answered yes, yes, yes and “what’s the Krofft Superstar weekend program from the 70’s”, then this million-dollar idea is perfect for you.

Here’s the thing. I’ve put a lot of thought into what makes two people fall in love. I’ve put a lot of time, energy and research into developing a simple program that I think can bring two like-minded people together and ensure a successful and loving relationship until the end of time. I spit on people like Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony who, “backed by over 35 years of clinical and empirical research, used a scientific approach to match highly compatible singles…” and, pretty much, created yet another dating website that is worth about as much as my old Betamax video tapes of the 70’s hit Krofft Superstar programs Land of the Lost and Electra Woman & Dyna Girl probably are. Love isn’t complicated. It shouldn’t be. It should be so simple that anyone can find true happiness.

That’s why I’ve created Single Juice dot com.

No hour-long profiles to fill out. No inane lists of questions asking you about meaningless things like how often you do drugs or how many times you’ve been previously married. No laboring over witty paragraphs that should, if you’re lucky, fool others into thinking you’re the one for them. No, it all comes down to juice.

Juice?

Simply logon to Single Juice and answer one simple question. What’s your favorite juice? Is it orange? Tomato? Kiwi? Guava? Orange-Pineapple? Orange-Pineapple-Banana? Pomegranate? Lime? Celery? Coconut? Or even apple-cranberry?

It’s as simple as a glass of juice.

Then, by using a non-complicated, non-expensive, non-intrusive matching system, the computer circuits behind Single Juice will spit out a short list of ten other singles in your area who also love the same juice as you! That’s right, it would take you longer to squeeze out a 12 oz. glass of fresh squeezed orange juice in your kitchen than it will to find your soul mate!

Yes, I know. There are already nay-sayers out there.

But let me put it to you this way: don’t you think that two people who are absolutely crazy over drinking gallons of guava juice have more in common than two Christians? Don’t you think that two people who love their bloody (and potentially laced with cleaning fluid) pomegranate juice probably have more in common than two people who say they loved the movie White Chicks? Don’t you think that two people who have a passion for passionfruit juice probably have way more in common than two people looking for a “casual friendship with benefits”?

Juice is a very serious subject. No one just “drinks juice” because they grew up being fed a certain kind of juice or because their parents told them it was good for them (like growing up with a religion, a list of books necessary to read, or a slew of other societal requirements). No. People drink juice because they like the juice they’re drinking.

It’s as simple as juice.

So until Single Juice goes live, don’t waste your time with the eHarmonys and Match.com’s of the Internet. Don’t waste your time with speed dating and blind dates and trying to meet people in the produce section of your local supermarket. Don’t worry about buying shots for particularly cheap women in bars and don’t worry about scoping out the latest Fireman calendar for your next obsession. Just spend your time deciding which juice you love the most and make that…what defines you.

Because come Fall…it’s all about the juice.

And that’s reason #43 why I will become a millionaire.

19 comments on “Reason #43 Why I Will Be A Millionaire

  1. Jerry - July 12, 2006 at 6:54 am -

    My grandmother used to say you can tell a lot about a man by how he likes his eggs. I never quite understood that pearl of wisdom but clearly your Single Juice online dating seems to come from the same old world school of thought.

    Was your grandmother named Mae?

  2. Matt Worzala - July 12, 2006 at 7:47 am -

    Juice=Genius. Pure and simple genius. I can’t wait to tell the story of how my bride and I met on your dating site at our future wedding.

    Thank you Paul. Thank you.

  3. Pauly D - July 12, 2006 at 7:58 am -

    Jerry – No, but she likes eggs. Although I’m still trying to figure out why your grandmother was teaching you how to identify the right man for yourself based on the kind of eggs he eats. Then again, no matter what you’re looking for — Single Juice is an equal opportunity soulmate-making machine.

    MW – I hope you’ll sign the attached release form so we can use your testimonial on the site.

  4. Chase - July 12, 2006 at 8:22 am -

    Why, you sly little fox. Pauly D, are you hitting on me?

  5. Pauly D - July 12, 2006 at 8:24 am -

    Chase – Only if you like pineapple-guava.

  6. monkeyinabox - July 12, 2006 at 8:35 am -

    Pinneapple-Guava! Well, well, why mess around the the singlejuice site, let’s get down to business Pauly D. My wife might not like the idea, but if we can’t agree on juice, what hope is there?

  7. Jerry - July 12, 2006 at 8:54 am -

    Paul, my grandma wasn’t giving me tips to find Mr Right. It was a non-gender specific tip on sizing up those I may interact with down the road. Remember in her day Man was a term that covered all of Humankind and her being a woman who felt it her place to be in the kitchen much of her sage advice had cooking analogies running through them. I was 4 or 5 at the time so I doubt my one day sexuality was a thought in her mind at all.

    My sister was of dating age and maybe she took it to heart at the time. I am unaware of my brother-in-law’s egg preferences but they have been married damn near 20 years so I guess she and he are “eggs prepared” compatible.

    My wife prefers her eggs scrambled with some shredded mozzarella and a dash of pepper. Using Grandma’s standards, I suspect my wife would be considered high maintenance. No matter though, she doesn’t live in the kitchen so Grandma would have tagged her as a brazen hussy and wrong for me or any man for that matter.

    The only gender specific advice Grandma ever uttered she actually attributed to my Grandfather who said never trust a man who pees sitting down. How and why Gramps came to that conclusion is not for me to ever know, but clearly he was not taking into consideration numerous medical conditions which might prompt a man to sit rather than stand.

    Simpler times, Paul. Simpler times. In some ways we could benefit from getting back to them. Your Single Juice is one small step. Sorry to ramble just felt clarification was needed.

  8. Janet - July 12, 2006 at 8:54 am -

    You, sir, are a genius. This just may be a major breakthrough. I would patent it before eHarmony catches on.

  9. dgm - July 12, 2006 at 9:06 am -

    no longer single am i, but long ago my best friend taught me a helpful sorting mechanism: straight guys drink lemondade; gay men drink diet coke.

    whenever i share this pearl of wisdom with my friends, it always riles the lemonade-drinking gay men and the diet-coke-drinking straight men (like my husband).

    but hey, it worked for me.
    oh, wait …

  10. Peter - July 12, 2006 at 9:42 am -

    If I like apple and orange equally, does that mean that I’m going to be a polygamist?

    I’m not opposed, just curious.

  11. Hilary - July 12, 2006 at 10:05 am -

    So does that mean that if I don’t drink juice, save for the occassional orange juice when I’m sick, I will be alone forever? This is no better than Jdate Pauly!

  12. Pauly D - July 12, 2006 at 10:07 am -

    Hilary – No, not at all. You just have to decide what your favorite juice (when you drink it) actually is. Then meet your soulmate!

  13. anonymous city girl - July 12, 2006 at 1:25 pm -

    A Tony Robbins/Donald Trump hybrid?
    sorry, you’re too attractive.

  14. Pauly D - July 12, 2006 at 1:33 pm -

    ACG – Um… You don’t happen to like orange-pineapple juice…like me?

  15. susan - July 12, 2006 at 3:16 pm -

    Pauly, you are a millionaire in SO many more ways than mere money, or ideas or unique blog hits. But I have a question for you: if I married a man that likes different juice than I do, does that mean we won’t last? Or is our marriage a expiration-dated carton of juice sham?

  16. Pauly D - July 12, 2006 at 3:17 pm -

    Susan – I won’t say that your marriage is dead in the water, but I will say that for an orange juicer and a grapefruit juicer in holy matrimony to make it to those cushy cemetary plots together… It’s gonna take some mighty big sacrifices.

  17. meme - July 12, 2006 at 7:31 pm -

    if you can get me laid this weekend i’ll give you uh million dollars in venture capital

  18. Dave2 - July 13, 2006 at 6:56 am -

    And here I’ve been using the donut to find my soulmate all these years! No wonder my relationships always end in disaster!!

  19. Gwen Hammond - July 18, 2006 at 3:07 am -

    Alas! You honesty is refreshing, sir. Have you thought of a sister site, titled “Single Champagne”? That would go a long way in my circle!

    When you get to the top, look me up.

    Gwen Hammond
    Co-Chair, National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People; CEO, Hammond Corporation

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