Words For Your Enjoyment: White Lies
July 7th, 2006
This is the one-millionth post here at WFME.
And in celebration of it being the one-millionth post here at the blog, I decided that in addition to putting up the weekly “Words For Your Enjoyment” (which has received International and critical acclaim from blog readers everywhere) while winging my way across the country on an unnamed celebrity’s private jet (where I am right this minute), that it would also be great to tell you the story about the time I was walking past an old mineshaft and I heard a man screaming and how I saved his life by crawling through miles of coal and mineral deposits.
But that would, sort of, potentially…be a lie.
Of course, all you WFME readers can thank triple-crown WFYE submitter Amy for her suggestion this week, which was simply: “Can you write about the most common white lies people tell and why they tell them?”
Yes, Amy. Your wish is my command.
In fact, although very few people outside of the collegiate pyschological study programs at some of the World’s most influential Universities spend time analyzing why people lie, it’s something I find comes quite easily to me. No, not lying itself. But the art of white lying. White lying is easy. I love white lies. They make me happy. In fact, I’ve determined that by lying with a white lie at least twice a day — it keeps ones’ brain sharp, develops great eye-to-eye coordination (the act of not looking someone in the eye when you’re doing the white lie thing) and is a wonderful way to keep people guessing.
Want to be the center of attention in a room? Then cart out some white lies.
In America alone, a country with close to 300 million (give or take a few million) people, it’s been determined that there are more than 600 million white lies told each and every day. That’s right, each individual person (even babies and mutes) tell at least two white lies a day. For me, my daily quota of white lies can include any of the following phrases:
- “No, officer. I have no idea how fast I was going.”
- “Yes, I washed my hands.”
- “Afraid? I’m not afraid of anything.”
- “Yeah, berries can totally give you seizures.”
- “No, I don’t know what happened to your Lik-A-Stick candy that was safely hidden in the back of the fridge and covered in labels denoting your name.”
- “I’ve totally gone over the Niagra Falls in a barrel. In college, of course. When I was a little more rebellious.”
- “No, I don’t know what happened to your pet guinea pig.”
- “Oh, I invented heroism.”
- “Of course I know how to deliver a baby in an elevator! Now someone get me a hot wet paper towel and some forceps asap!”
- “Me? No. It wasn’t me.”
- “I swear I faxed it. I had to have faxed it. I’m sure I did.”
- “Yes, you’re like the most beautiful person in the whole wide world.”
- “People often say I remind them of a more heterosexual, un-sterile, baby-producing Tom Cruise.”
- “No, I didn’t press that button.”
- “Had I been there, I would have kicked some major ass.”
Ah, white lies.
If you really stop and think about your day today, you’ve already told a white lie. If you haven’t, you will. And if you say, “there’s no way I am going to tell a white lie today”, BANG! You just did. Whether it’s out of envy, pressure, frustration, wanting to impress someone, wanting to get away with an elaborate Oceans 11-type crime or just because you like to create a fantasy world in which you live, where you’re the center of attention…we all tell them. And if we’re all being honest, can we just all agree once and for all…
It’s damn fun to lie. Harmless white lies, that is.
In fact, if I had a choice between going to Disneyland, seeing movies all day at the local multiplex, going on a vacation to France, living for a year with a Cirque du Soleil contortionist troupe, running a marathon and coming in first, becoming a world reknowned diver (and given the nickname “The Water Lily”) or getting to tell white lies all day long to people I came in contact with?
White lies would win all the time.
Don’t you agree?
I totally loved this entry and every single one you have ever written.
Comment by monkeyinabox — July 7, 2006 @ 8:42 am
Remind me never to shake your hands.
Comment by Kevin — July 7, 2006 @ 8:56 am
Monkey - That was the most intelligent comment you’ve left!
Kevin - I don’t have hands, Kevin. I dictate my words through a voice-recognition software program. Sadly, I lost my hands in a tragic “Butterfinger retrieval situation” involving an old college dorm room vending machine.
Comment by Pauly D — July 7, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Excellent post. What do you do when you get caught telling a white lie? Do you tell another to cover it up eventually progressing to forest green lies? Do you confess?
Oh Pauly D. You sure do get my brain working.
Comment by Sam — July 7, 2006 @ 9:22 am
Sam - To be honest (muhahaha), when one white lie has to be covered up by another white lie (like the time I told a white lie about being a superhero, then having to actually find a costume for the superhero I invented called “Long Division Man”) I call it a “faster-than-light white lie.” From there it becomes a supernova bright lie. Then eventually I just collapse from the guilt.
You asked.
Comment by Pauly D — July 7, 2006 @ 9:31 am
I would be lying if I said I didn’t.
When I read that it was your millionth post, I knew something was awry.
Comment by jacquie — July 7, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
“Yes, it’s true, I am the Six Flags dancing guy.”
“Honey, you’re much cuter than the blog guy” (at least from what I can tell by the 1 inch picture at the top of the page)
“I was the chess champion of my high school, we went to States and came in second.”
Comment by susan — July 7, 2006 @ 12:42 pm