A Brief Historical Timeline of My Parachute Pants

August 10, 1989: In preparation of going to college, I go shopping at the local mall. While there, standing in a Pacific Sunwear store, I notice a particularly hot pair of peach/grey parachute pants in one size (XL). I buy them immediately without trying them on.

September 27, 1989: The first all-dorm Friday night party. I put on my parachute pants with vigor, wearing them to a room on the third floor where Jello shots are being made. A girl named Mary compliments my parachute pants and even says, “Wow, those are cool.”

October 8th, 1989: Dorm residents and friends decide to sun themselves on the roof of the facility on a particularly lazy Sunday afternoon. I wear my parachute pants up to the roof, but take off my shirt. The guy from 203D makes fun of them and so I take them off and just wear the shorts I had on underneath, instead.

October 8th, 1989: At about 10:35pm PST (before going to bed) I realize I left my parachute pants up on the roof. I go up there to find them but they are gone.

October 9th, 1989: I check the dormitory’s lost and found for my parachute pants but there is only a container of Bull Frog sunscreen and a comb. I consult with my Resident Advisor and he tells me to hang in there.

October 15th, 1989: More sunning, the following Sunday. I sun without thinking about my parachute pants.

June 25th, 2006: I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat after having a dream about my parachute pants and wondering just what happened to them.

Demand My Words

Did you want me to come to your city and speak and discuss my new book The Lost Blogs while signing your book and making you laugh…but it just didn’t happen?

Maybe I didn’t know you wanted me there.

That’s why I’ve set up a page over at Eventful where you can “demand my words” in your hometown. All you have to do is click on the glorious “demand it” button above, enter your city, and when the groundswell becomes hard to ignore…I’ll show up.

Seriously. I totally will. Try me.

Katey Sagal Has Entered The Witness Protection Program

Futurama‘s Katey Sagal has entered the Witness Protection Program.

You’re probably asking yourself how I know such things or what kind of state’s evidence Ms. Sagal gave the local government that required that she enter the Witness Protection Program or how I was even able to uncover such sensitive information such as this if she was technically, really in the Witness Protection Program but let’s not forget that I was the one who “outed” Mr. Six and was subsequently featured in a major rag mag as a result of such outage.

Bottom line: I have access to information that you don’t.

WFME’s You Decide: Coughing Up A Lung or A Small Ferret

America is all about choice, my friends.

That’s why WFME likes to periodically give you the choice of the decade, except that since I’ve given you this choice five other times before today over the course of two years means that WFME is technically giving you “five choices each decade” to make an important decision that will never affect your future yet prepare you for obscure events that may, potentially happen to you. Then again, since this is the sixth time, you’re gettin “six choices each decade” which is more choice then the government actually gives you over the course of four years.

Aw heck. Either way, today you’d better be ready to make the ultimate choice of your entire life.

Words For Your Enjoyment: Best of Both Words

It’s pretty amazing when you look at the stats.

Words For My Enjoyment (or WFME for short) has been around in one form or another since August of 2003, which makes this August our Tricentennialog! (Don’t ask…yet.)

In addition, over that time, WFME has posted over 1250 different pieces and snagged over 14,000 comments in the process. In just the last year, WFME has pulled in over half-a-million unique visitors, and in my book that’s pretty damn sweet.

So why not take the time to highlight some of the Best Of WFME?