Futurama‘s Katey Sagal has entered the Witness Protection Program.
You’re probably asking yourself how I know such things or what kind of state’s evidence Ms. Sagal gave the local government that required that she enter the Witness Protection Program or how I was even able to uncover such sensitive information such as this if she was technically, really in the Witness Protection Program but let’s not forget that I was the one who “outed” Mr. Six and was subsequently featured in a major rag mag as a result of such outage.
Bottom line: I have access to information that you don’t.
If I had to be completely honest about the whole “Katey Sagal has entered the Witness Protection Program” thing, I would probably tell you that I sat next to her at breakfast yesterday and was stunned to realize halfway through my meal that I was sitting next to the mother from the ABC show 8 Simple Rules because she didn’t look anything like the woman from the show. Sure, maybe she didn’t look like Peg Bundy from Married with Children — but she didn’t even remotely resemble herself. Why?
Ahem. Witness Protection Program.
Her hair was cut way shorter than you’ve ever seen it and had been changed from her typical brown or reddish hue into a sort of brown with blonde highlights. Her outfit, a typical Witness Protection Program outfit, was less “Weekend-Hollywood” (which usually consists of slender sweat pants and a tightly-cut belly-shirt) and was more “Witness Protection Program”-esque in that she wore non-logo’d, fairly typical midwestern attire. She wore glasses with a darkened hue, didn’t carry a cell phone, and spoke of fitness and well-being instead of TV deals and premiere parties.
Cough. Witness Protection Program.
The most telling and most revealing moment in the entire sidling-up breakfast moment was that Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven was sitting mere seats away from Ms. Sagal and the minute she noticed him walk into the restaurant and sit nearby, she put on her dark glasses, swung a swoop of hair over her left eye, and reached into her pocket — I’m assuming to press the button on her Witness Protection Program Pager, which lets her W.P.P. handlers know that she’s pretty close to being compromised since another Hollywood “notable” was nearby.
If you didn’t know already, when one Hollywood “notable” enters an establishment, and people notice, they immediately start looking around for other “notables” — assuming that where there’s smoke there’s fire. This, obviously, was something that concerned Ms. Sagal since she’d entered the Witness Protection Program, and that’s why she reached into her pocket to press the button on the W.P.P. pager to let her handlers know that she was going to need big-time extraction as quickly as possible.
She asked for the check, ASAP. Naturally.
Ironically, as I was leaving the restaurant so was Ms. Sagal — and that’s where the final piece of information clicked for me. As she was getting into the car of her “so-called meal friend” (who could simply have been an agent for the W.P.P.) I looked and noticed the license plate of the car.
It wasn’t local.
For secrecy purposes, I won’t reveal just what state that license plate was from (we have to respect the secrecy of the Witness Protection Program) but I will say that it’s not a neighboring state to California. That Ms. Sagal, having entered this program, has been shuttled off to a state where most people probably think less about Hollywood and more about Sno-Balls.
Of course, what’s she’s doing now is anyone’s guess. Hair-stylist? Candy store manager? Real estate agent? Highway worker? Bar-maid? Mother of three fictitious children living in a fictitious house that’s not really fictitious cause it’s real and all, but the life itself is fictitious since she’s in the Witness Protection Program.
I hope I haven’t said too much.