The Homeless Are Smarter Than Me
June 21st, 2006
[On the way into the local drug store]
Homeless Guy: “Got any change?”
Me: “Yeah, no. Sorry.”
Homeless Guy: “Cash?”
Me: “Cash?”
Homeless Guy: “Yeah. Like a dollar or something? Just looking to buy a coffee is all.”
Me: “Actually I don’t have any cash on me. Sorry.”
Homeless Guy: “Are you going to buy something in there?”
Me: “In the drugstore? Yeah, but not with cash.”
Homeless Guy: “With credit?”
Me: “Uh, no.”
Homeless Guy: “Well, then I don’t know about you, but unless you’ve got a debit card or something you’re not going to be walking out of that store with anything you planned to buy.”
Me: “I’ve got a debit card, okay?”
Homeless Guy: “You know, you can get up to $40 cash back with a debit card in most drug stores and supermarkets. $300 per every 24 hour period if you do it via the in-store ATMs.”
Me: “Oh really.”
Homeless Guy: “Really. So, you technically have cash. Cash that you could withdraw while you’re buying your gum or whatever. And then you can give me some.”
A long beat.
Me: “How about some change?”
Homeless Guy: “Oh! You have change?”
Me: “Um, yeah.”
Homeless Guy: “Cool… Cool.”
You know what happens next.
I unload my pockets of change and give him everything I’ve got.
I guess when you’re struggling for survival every day of your life, you need to hone skills such as these. You also need a good, dirty weapon and an intimidating nickname. Like “Sammy Stabs Alot.”
Comment by Dan — June 21, 2006 @ 8:34 am
Dan - Had his name been “Sammy Stabs Alot” I probably would have given up my change when he asked the first time. Smart idea! Maybe you should turn this into a side-profession: “Intimidating Naming of the Homeless.”
That’s a free idea.
Comment by Pauly D — June 21, 2006 @ 8:36 am
Pauly, you just got PUNK’D.
Comment by monkeyinabox — June 21, 2006 @ 8:38 am
“Things that rhyme with gnomeless”?
Comment by annabel lee — June 21, 2006 @ 9:09 am
Wow, he’s good! And you know, he earned that change. I have no problem giving people money if they really do something that makes me think (or entertains me). The fact that he backed you into a corner, pretty much…well, color me impressed. And color him a pocket full of change richer.
Comment by sandra — June 21, 2006 @ 10:39 am
Actually, you said “Yeah, no, sorry” when he asked you the first time, so technically you were honest from the get go…
My boss says her friends in college posed as homeless to pay tuition. And then there was this time in New York…the guy gave his whole spiel on the subway, with his son as a prop and everything. I saw him ten minutes later on the street, talking on his cell and counting a wad of cash, while his kid played a gameboy.
So, I’m gonna stick with what my pops (may he R.I.P.) used to do: he’d offer to buy them a sandwich. And often, the ones who were really homeless? They’d go to dinner with him…
Comment by Flower Girl — June 21, 2006 @ 10:53 am
FG - I’ve been told that there are a lot of homeless here in L.A. who take home anywhere from 40-50k a year (un-taxed) by standing by freeway onramps and asking for cash.
That’s like $90,000 pre-taxed dollars. And that’s amazing.
Comment by Pauly D — June 21, 2006 @ 11:01 am
I’m laughing, but it’s what the French call a “rire jaune.” I think mirthless laughter might be a decent translation. *sigh*
Comment by Alison — June 21, 2006 @ 11:32 am
Haha! Outsmarted by a bum… Well, I can’t really fault you. He was really on top of his game.
Comment by mojotek — June 21, 2006 @ 11:33 am
Wow. The next god of the marketing world. Brilliant.
Comment by Kevin — June 21, 2006 @ 12:02 pm
ha you got had by that guy. that’s why i say “no change” and keep walking…although i seriously like never have change.
Comment by aliza — June 21, 2006 @ 12:21 pm
oooooh, he is good. and not aggressive in a hostile way, which must take great restraint.
when we lived on the south side of chicago (the baddest part of town), a homeless man used to wait outside the grocery store and ask for change every day, claiming he was starving. one day my now-husband purchased some food for him and offered it to him. he said he preferred money since he was “allergic” to the oranges and sandwich. if he was smart like your homeless person (who was probably just making a documentary) he could have taken the food and sold it for cigarettes to his peers.
Comment by dgm — June 21, 2006 @ 12:21 pm
pardon my east coast distain for all things annoying to my personal space but clearly this Bum is smart but too damn lazy to work for a living. I appreciate everyone’s soft-shoed approach to discussing the homeless but this guy could have definitely applied for and gotten a job in that drugstore and most likely been the retail-idiot-in-charge within a month but that would require a level of responsibility and discipline he doesn’t care to make. If I see one more movie or TV show that portrays the homeless as wise old sages with advice crafted from their merchant marine days, I might go postal. If they are so with it, then why don’t they have it all together themselves? I am all for the rights of the homeless not to own property but as far as I am concerned their “begging” is no different than unsolicited telemarketing calls. When a bum asks me for a dollar I tell him to give me a dollar. God bless you humble and patient heart, Paul. You’re a better man than I.
Comment by Jerry — June 21, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
Two things: carry a recording device with you - this exchange would have made a great podcast. And when an unknown person is knocking at my door, I convincingly bark and yell “DOWN Blood-Fang DOWN!” to my imaginary mean dog. What’s in a name?
Comment by susan — June 21, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
you should have just given him a churro.
Comment by hadashi — June 21, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
If they’re workin that hard, I figure they deserve at least something… I gave a couple bucks to a guy out on PCH in Malibu (big homeless hangout?) b/c he had 4 different signs with the funniest pics and jokes on em. Points for creativity!
Comment by Adri — June 21, 2006 @ 3:22 pm
I have no problem buying food for somebody who is hungry, but I no longer give money in any amount. There’s just no way of knowing what they do with it. If somebody saved their change and went out to buy a gun so they could shoot somebody… I’d be partially responsible… and I don’t want to have to worry about that.
Comment by Dave2 — June 21, 2006 @ 5:00 pm
Last summer in New York, I saw a homeless man with a sign that said “God wants you to give me some money”. I thought it was very clever…and gave him a $five.
Comment by cassie — June 21, 2006 @ 5:56 pm
Many homeless are con artists, but so are many homed people. Just because people have change, or cash they can withdraw from the ATM, doesn’t mean they are obligated to give it to a panhandler. If people were to tell the panhandler “it’s against the law, shall we call the police to debate the issue of whether or not I have cash/change”, what might happen? Some of the homeless would scurry away, but many would cuss & get belligerent.
I used to budget a % of money to share with the panhandlers, because I don’t tithe to a church. Giving money to Charities seems a waste, because so much of it goes to prizes, administration and such, so I’d feel like I did a good deed by helping someone in need.
True he outsmarted you, and it’s a good story of how cunning some homeless can be. As to the particular guy working in the Drug store, is anyone aware that the jobs don’t pay a living wage? If he is homeless working there probably won’t earn him enough to put a roof over his head.
When Rite Aid bought Thrifty, for instance, there was restructuring. Many long term managers ended up losing jobs, so that new employees could be hired with a substanially lower salary. Sales/cashiers also lost jobs, and existing employees were then expected to do the jobs of two people for the same old low payrate.
Can one imagine getting turned down for a minimum wage type job at McDonald’s because one does not speak Spainish, in a predominately English speaking neighborhood? Perhaps that homeless chap is one of those that would love a job, but can not get one.
Comment by mary — June 22, 2006 @ 6:18 am
The nerve of some bums!
Comment by Jacquie — June 22, 2006 @ 6:37 am
With quick thinking and willpower like that, that guy could totally get a job in sales.
Comment by Jessica — June 22, 2006 @ 9:07 am
ugh, that type of scenario is so uncomfortable for me. guilt! i like how he suckered you into that conversation and then the giving up of all the change. he’s good.
Comment by ms. sizzle — June 22, 2006 @ 3:23 pm
Homeless Guy: “You know, you can get up to $40 cash back with a debit card in most drug stores and supermarkets. $300 per every 24 hour period if you do it via the in-store ATMs.”
Me: “Wow, you know, that’s great. But I don’t have $300 to withdraw in one day. Maybe you do in your account . . . whoa, whoa now. You’re the one who is so knowledgeable about debit cards and ATMs. I bet you have a linked checking AND savings account and even a retirement fund. What are they called again? Nevermind, it’s not important. What is important is that you have all this money stashed away and you’re hitting up a poor girl like me, who doesn’t even have $300 to withdraw. Maybe I should be begging you for cash.”
Homeless Guy: “I don’t have any bank accounts!”
Me: “Oh . . . got any change?”
Comment by Rabbit — June 25, 2006 @ 11:16 am