There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge

Some stories, no matter how real they are, just never seem real enough.

Like for example, that story about Richard Gere and the gerbil. Or that story about that plane of soccer players who crashed in the middle of nowhere and they ended up eating each other to survive. Or that story you always hear about how there are people painting the Golden Gate Bridge all year round. Real stories, just amazing that they’re real.

Well…this is one of those stories.

I have a doggie door in my kitchen. The kind with the little plastic flap and the magnetic bottom. So, you know, when the dog goes out the little flap swings back and forth for a second and then sticks back closed thanks to the magic of magnets. It’s a simple yet effective way to keep critters (other than the dog) from assuming they can just enter the house on their own accord.

Something else you have to know is that my dog and I like to taunt the squirrels outside in the back yard. He’s learned the phrase “oh crap there’s a squirrel out back” and the minute I say it, he bolts out the doggie door and into the backyard because I assume he’s planning on eating them or something. He never catches them, but still. He’s intimidating nonetheless for a 10 pound Yorkie.

I’ve already revealed too much about my personal life, haven’t I?

Well one day after taunting the squirrels in the backyard I was looking through my fridge for something to eat. I think I poked around in there for a good ten minutes and finally came back out with a Diet Coke and some cheese sticks or something and walked back into the den so I could get back to the neverending business of checking my e-mail or something. But the thing about my fridge is that it’s not on a level surface, so the door doesn’t close on its own like it should when you walk away and give it a little helpful push.

Well, I looked back into the kitchen and saw the light coming from the still open fridge, so I quickly went back in there and pushed the baby shut, and went back to what I was doing.

And all seemed good until the sounds began.

Chugga tikka chugga tikka.

What the H was that, I thought to myself. Mind you, I’m one of those kids who was taught by the parentals that any strange sound you ever hear in the house is “the house settling.” Sure, that worked for a few years — but when you come face to face with a rat or your drunk next door neighbor thinking your house is HIS house, well, the “house settling” argument doesn’t seem to work as well.

Chugga tikka tk tk tk tk.

I put down the cheese stick and moved the Diet Coke to the side and cautiously walked into the kitchen so I could get a better handle on the sound. Like most suspicious sounds often stop the minute you get close to them, this one wasn’t stopping at all. It was continuing with it’s “tk tk tk tk” over and over again.

And it was coming from the fridge.

Must just be the fan or something, I thought to myself. Or some other moving part of the fridge. Yet, the fridge was one of those brand new kind of fridges that shouldn’t be making weird banging and clicking sounds this early into the warranty. I figured I’d just open up the damn fridge and see what was going on in there. And so I opened the door and what did I see?

A squirrel. Digging through an open container of cottage cheese.

I FREAKED.

Usually, it’s scary enough seeing a block of cheese in a ziploc bag with a ton of mold on it when you open your fridge. Or peeling back that tin foil off the top of a non-descript bowl — not sure of what is inside of it, when you covered it, or even if it’s living by now. But seeing a squirrel on the top shelf of the fridge, digging through cottage cheese and nestled in among the Cranapple juice and the old Best Foods mayonnaise jar?

Surreal.

I flipped out, and backed up into the dining room to where I could still get a look at what was going on as the squirrel jumped from the inside of the fridge and onto the kitchen floor with a trail of white curds in his wake. (It was obviously a “HE” since really, what female squirrel would have the balls to do such a thing?) The little cottage-cheese eating bastard ran right for the doggie door, shot out of it like a bullet, and ran into the backyard.

“Oh crap, there’s a squirrel out back!” I screamed.

The dog’s ears perked up and he was off his bed and out the door in a split second, shooting out the door and into the grassy backyard like I’d never seen before. But he couldn’t catch the squirrel. It was too quick, climbing back up his favorite tree, jumping onto some phone lines, and escaping with a full stomach filled with dairy.

There was a friggin squirrel in my fridge.

When I pieced together the evidence, I determined (much like Matlock would) that the squirrel, fed up with being taunted, came into the house to taunt me — but saw instead an open fridge filled with “paradise” (translation: food). And when I went back to shut the door, the little fuzz-head must have already been inside where I then trapped him. At least, that’s what would have happened in the dramatization if there was such a show like Animals Attack! Which there isn’t. But there should be.

Because I suspect crap like this happens all the time.

Needless to say — I always try to keep the doggie door closed whenever I can. Oh, and the fridge too.

Yeah, I keep those doors closed all the time.

In other news, last night’s performance of Subject Line Here was a blast. All the pretty bloggers did a truly amazing job. So good work, you blogging fools! That includes you: Shane, Jessica, AJ, Carly, Annie, Colleen and Wil!

21 comments on “There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge

  1. Christie - June 17, 2006 at 8:22 am -

    You might as well just said you had a rodent in the house! Ugh! I am sooooooo rat phobic…squirrel phobic….mouse phobic. You are one brave man Pauly D!

    Ok one more EEEWWWWW!

  2. Dave2 - June 17, 2006 at 8:42 am -

    And so now the story of Paul Davidson and the squirrel is going to supplant the story of Richard Gere and the gerbil.

    I can’t wait to see how THIS urban legend ends up after ten years!

  3. Pauly D - June 17, 2006 at 9:00 am -

    Dave – In ten years the story will evolve (much like the game of telephone) to be a “yarn” about how I ate a squirrel out of my fridge thinking it was chicken.

  4. ms. sizzle - June 17, 2006 at 9:06 am -

    i love this story! i was riveted. 🙂

    my dog LOVES squirrels. she goes ape shit when she sees them. i think if one found its way into our house all holy hell would break loose and lkely, there would be blood. lots of blood.

  5. Karl - June 17, 2006 at 9:27 am -

    Those bastard squirrels have a lot of nerve, thinking they can just waltz on in to any doggie door they please. And the cottage cheese thing, ewww. Not sure I’ll ever be able to eat cottage cheese again. Course, I’m not really a fan, anyway.

    So, Pauly, how much of your fridge contents went straight into the trash after this incident?

  6. Pauly D - June 17, 2006 at 9:39 am -

    Karl – Everything went into the trash. Except for those awesome juice boxes.

    They’re sanitary.

  7. cassie - June 17, 2006 at 10:49 am -

    Oh my gosh, how cute is that?

  8. Syd - June 17, 2006 at 1:52 pm -

    I suspect your dog double dared the squirrel to come into the house and in your refrigerator. But then your dog forgot about the double dare and took a nap. The squirrel knew he would and because all squirrels have the nuts to do double dares seized the moment and the doggy door to show you and your little dog who rules. So now when the squirrels hear you shout, “Oh crap there’s a squirrel in the backyard!” They just laugh and laugh and laugh.

  9. Alison - June 17, 2006 at 4:46 pm -

    🙂

    Thanks. I really needed to hear that story.

  10. Erin Julian - June 17, 2006 at 5:09 pm -

    Oh my goodness! I don’t think I have laughed so hard at any blog post anywhere in quite a while. Tears of mirth were literally shed. Thank you for sharing this… I am still chuckling.

  11. dgm - June 17, 2006 at 5:51 pm -

    i’m surprised you didn’t first become suspicious when a sharp-clawed little mitt handed you a cheese stick.

  12. Andrea - June 17, 2006 at 6:30 pm -

    Well, I live with the bats, Pauly D. I’d much rather have a squirrel in my fridge than a bat. When I walk the pup outside, I always check twice to make sure the screen door shut tight and that a flying mammal didn’t make its way in the door when I wasn’t looking. I have to keep telling myself…bats are good…they eat mosquitos.

    Now my only remaining question is…how much of the food did you throw out after the dirty squirrel’s feet touched it?

  13. Becca - June 18, 2006 at 12:04 am -

    Oh my God. This is so my life. You have no idea. Insane happenings like that. I’m not alone. Thank you 🙂

  14. Anne - June 18, 2006 at 8:39 am -

    Haha!! We have quite a story about a duck that came down our chimney…Dad still doesn’t believe that we didn’t make up the story to cover for smashing his tomato starts!

  15. Monica Ricci - June 18, 2006 at 4:07 pm -

    The obvious question is how will you keep Senor Squirrel from coming back through the dog door now that he knows he has easy access to your kitchen? Those little buggers aren’t dumb when food is involved and I’m willing to bet that since he’s been inside your friedge, he sees your place as the free neighborhood buffet line. Maybe an electronic locking doggie door for your pooch that will only admit him and will keep out the neighborhood wildlife. ~Monica

  16. Adri - June 18, 2006 at 10:25 pm -

    That is an effing BRILLIANT skwerl. And a hilarious post. Rock on.

  17. mary - June 22, 2006 at 6:54 am -

    Omigod, that is too funny, realize it wasn’t funny while it was happening. I used to like squirrels, now they’re just getting annoying.

  18. […] I stood in front of the open fridge even more startled than the time I found a squirrel in it. At least with the squirrel it all made sense. At least a squirrel crawling in through an open doggie-door and into an open fridge made perfect sense in a “hunter/gatherer” kind of animal-kingdomesque way. But to come face to face with a brand-new, never-opened bottle of lime juice? […]

  19. Mitch Wheat - July 12, 2006 at 7:55 pm -

    Better leave the Hazlenut Yoghurt off the shopping list for a while!

  20. […] You may or may not remember the time a squirrel found its way into my fridge. […]

  21. […] No, I mean — how is WFME going to be a charitable organization? Excuse me, but we already were. We gave free content for three years. For no charge. To people who were needy and needed comedy. We did that for free. That’s called charity. Finally, though, with our approved N.P.F.P.P.C.O. status, we’re able to officially call ourselves a charitable organization, and accept donations to that end, and that makes it a good deal for you, for us, and for the homeless people on free WiFi who are RIGHT THIS MINUTE spitting milk out their nose while reading about the squirrel that ate cottage cheese out of my fridge. […]

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