Words For Your Enjoyment: Richard Simmons vs. Neil Diamond
June 9th, 2006
WFYE missed you.
Back after a couple week hiatus, Words For Your Enjoyment returns with no more bags under the eyes, a spring in its step and a little ziploc baggy filled with those “energy pills” that you can get at your local GNC and shouldn’t worry about putting in your system because they are totally, fully, 100% safe.
Now, let’s get down to today’s rump-kicking cage match.
Good WFME pal Amy sent the mailbox here at WFME a slew of ideas for today’s post, but one in particular struck us as being quite apropros for no reason whatsoever. Amy’s suggestion? To write about “a make-believe boxing match between Richard Simmons and Neil Diamond.”
Ironically, awhile back, I examined what such a battle might have been like had Katie Couric battled Jane Pauley and lived to tell the tale.
Today will be no different.
So continuing with such a tradition, I have broken down each individuals skills and personality traits that I think about when I think about them, tallied the results and will now present to you all the evidence currently in my possession. Of course, if you think we’ve missed something here at WFYE, please speak up.
Richard Simmons
Cardiovasularly In-Shape +2
Mean-Assed Round-House Kick +1
Oily Geri-Curl Creates Foot Slippage -1
High-Pitched Ear-Drum Destroying Wail +3
Can Only Eat After Tallying Points -1
Low Pain Threshold -2
Needy -1
Great Support For Foot’s Arch in Sneakers +2
Used to be Fat, It Could Happen Again -2
Has Wimpy Left-Right Combo Slap -1
Neil Diamond
Drinks ‘Red Red Wine’, So Lots of Extra Blood +1
Is Coming, Came, And Still is In America +2
Years of Opened Shirt Has Toughened-Up Outer Skin +1
Cataracts -1
Thinks He’s More Powerful Than He Really Is -1
Was Never Fat, Never Will Be +3
Has Nasty Left-Right Combo Punch +1
Scalp, Afraid of High Gusts of Wind -1
Knows No Jazz Even Though He’s A Singer -1
Perfect Teeth, Paranoid About ‘Em -1
Final Score:
Richard Simmons: 0
Neil Diamond: 3
Winner: Neil Diamond
Let the numbers stand on their own.
Richard lost? Beware of the High-Pitched Ear-Drum Destroying Wail
should he show up in your car.
Comment by Syd — June 9, 2006 @ 9:35 am
You totally rock my world, Paul.
Comment by Amy — June 9, 2006 @ 10:58 am
What about the fact that both of them have a fan base made up predominantly of women? Does that add or subtract any points? And surely, Richard’s short, tight shorts have some effect on his skills? Then again, Neil’s pants are pretty tight, too.
I only wish there was a video of what would certainly have been a very entertaining match!
Comment by Nicole — June 9, 2006 @ 11:00 am
Came by way of Amy. I love Neil Diamond. It’s funny because just yesterday my sister and I were talking about him. I told her that deep down I loved Neil more than Elvis. lol
Comment by Rae Ann — June 9, 2006 @ 11:38 am
This post gave me flashbacks to last week when I was doing stock photo research. I entered the search terms “dance instructor”, and a photo came up of Richard Simmons with a towel peeking out from behind Mickey Mouse with a surprised expression on his face. I really don’t want to know what that expression was about. Actually, I really don’t want to think about the whole thing ever again.
Comment by danielle — June 9, 2006 @ 11:39 am
should richard simmons lose points for his voice, winding up in the negative?
Comment by better safe than sorry — June 9, 2006 @ 11:51 am
Amy - I do what I can in the rock-age department.
Danielle - I’m not going to ask why you were doing such research, nor am I going to e-mail you asking in private what kind of research you were doing. I’ll just let it lie.
BSTS - Unfortunately, trying to figure out who would win in a fist fight due to their personality quirks is something not a perfect science.
Comment by Pauly D — June 9, 2006 @ 1:20 pm
it all seems so clear now. …yes…
of COURSE neil diamond would kick richard’s ass. how do you argue with math?
Comment by Sarcomical — June 9, 2006 @ 1:26 pm
I would rather see a deathmatch where they BOTH perish in hot lava unleashed from a freak volcano eruption. It’s not that I’m particularly fond of violence, I would just like to see both Richard Simmons and Neil Diamond gone from the face of the earth.
Comment by Dave2 — June 9, 2006 @ 1:46 pm
Richard Simmons - short shorts and tank made of slippery fabric like Quiana, rayon, spandex, and most of his icky sweaty body exposed making him overall very slippery = +1
Neil Diamond - also wears slippery fabric, open-necked Quiana shirts but does occaisionally wear sparkles, sorry for him good traction for RS’s roundhouse kicks = -1
Comment by susan — June 9, 2006 @ 2:02 pm
Neil Diamond: wears rhinestones (they’re sharp) — +2
Comment by sandra — June 9, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
Dave2 - even though you wrote that, Richard Simmons would still give you a hug.
Comment by monkeyinabox — June 9, 2006 @ 2:54 pm
Neil Diamond. Oh God. I’m still emotionally scarred from my parents listening to that same damn tape over and over again when I was a child.
Comment by Rabbit — June 9, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
Neil deserves another point because of his hair. It’s woven by God himself, I swear.
Comment by Carly — June 9, 2006 @ 10:07 pm
Amy’s idea - great.
Pauly’s analysis - even better.
Comment by Kathleen — June 10, 2006 @ 6:10 pm
I absolutely love Neil Diamond, he is the best, greatest and have done since I was 7 yrs old. Carry on singing Neil no one in the world can beat your voice or looks. Go For IT!!! If I could meet him once I could die happy, HEAVEN. I’ve seen him live twice and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.
Comment by Denise — April 11, 2007 @ 10:15 pm