Midget On My Doorstep
June 3rd, 2006
I’ve decided that I would like to hire a midget.
Now please don’t take this the wrong way you dwarfs and you short people but there’s a huge difference between midgets and dwarfs and short people. That being said, I have a particular job I’m looking to fill that involves hiding in a cardboard box and sitting on my doorstep during the daytime hours and it’s something that I believe only a midget could handle.
Applications are now being accepted!
A lot of people don’t quite know the difference between a dwarf and a midget and a short person. While books will tell you that dwarfs are “members of a mythical race of short stocky humanlike creatures who are generally skilled in mining and metalworking”, I will tell you that they’re simply midgets but whose body parts are proportional to each other. Meaning, they are small — but everything seems to look the right size in proportion to their height. As for short people, well, they just give me the willies because they’ve really got no excuse for looking strange — and yet they do.
But midgets?
Midgets have it made on a lot of levels because they get all the movie roles, they look sort of freaky, and if you were to come to my doorstep in the middle of the day to try and sell me on your brand-new exterminator service or because you want to give me a free bid on remodeling my kitchen… and a midget popped out of a box right next to the doorbell?
Well, you’d freak out.
I know that if I had a job going around to people’s doorsteps in the middle of the afternoon and I went up to someone’s door and right there by the doorbell was a box with the Amazon logo on it, I would just expect it was some kind of, you know, package that had been left there by UPS. But if the minute I rang the doorbell a midget dressed in a medieval outfit jumped out and started biting my left ankle (or right ankle) — I would never ever come back to that house selling my wares ever again.
Viola! Problem solved!
I think the medieval outfit (you know, Robin Hood like cloth with a potential chain mail chest plate of some kind) would really do wonders to freak out potential salesmen coming to the door. But if that outfit sort of got old, I would also request that the midget in the box on my doorstep switch up his costume every once in awhile. You know, dressing up in a black lycra body stocking would be pretty freaky too.
I don’t know if there are midgets out there looking for this kind of work, and I don’t know if people will find this insulting, but know that I’m not putting down midgets by any means. I’ve determined that there are just some jobs that they’re perfect for, and to me that means big-time money for a select group of the population. And that means good times are coming for the midgets of the world who think sitting in a box on my doorstep might be a great relaxing way to make some extra cash on the side.
I’m just throwing it out there, okay?
When he’s finished at your place, send him over to my house.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — June 3, 2006 @ 9:35 am
You are one very brave man
… and I love it
Comment by Becca — June 3, 2006 @ 10:26 am
Oooh, have them dress up as a garden gnome and just stand there, no box needed. How freaky would that be if a garden gnome just comes to life and starts coming after you with dagger-like teeth? Pretty freaky, I say.
Comment by Karl — June 3, 2006 @ 10:54 am
I once wrote a blog entry where I mentioned that I hate clowns and wanted to find one so I could set his pants on fire (because that’s the only way I will ever find a clown to be “funny”).
I received hundreds… hundreds… of emails from clowns and clown-lovers who had been referred to my entry by some kind of “clown mailing list” - all of them infuriated that I would condone setting a clown on fire. I then wrote an apology entry for wanting to set a clown on fire, because that was wrong… and then instead suggested clowns should be beaten with baseball bats.
I thought this was a funny way to diffuse the situation. I was very, very wrong.
So when I read this entry, I am very scared for you. It’s only a matter of time before this gets out, and there is a price put on your head. You want a midget on your doorstep? I think not… if you open the door to find a midget on your doorstep, you had better run, because they’re probably there to do some serious damage!
Comment by Dave2 — June 3, 2006 @ 11:00 am
Dave - I think clowns are much more violent and scary in the real world than midgets. Unless you’re compairing violent/scary clowns with midgets that have oily hands. There’s nothing scarier than a midget with oily hands.
Thanks for the advice, by the way. I’ll keep you up to date.
Comment by Pauly D — June 3, 2006 @ 11:04 am
My brothers would classify me in the “dwarf” category. Actually, I’m not as short as they think I am. I’ve seen people shorter. (I’m 5′1″.)
Sounds like a good idea to keep door-to-door salesmen away! We don’t have that problem here…we live out in the country. Besides, we have a dog that bites. *evil laugh*
Comment by Anne — June 3, 2006 @ 3:14 pm
i think that, historically, midgets were used for this very purpose. but then came the industrial revolution and the ability to mass produce “no soliciting” signs, and the midgets were rendered obsolete. if you can revive their use on doorsteps, more power to you.
Comment by dgm — June 3, 2006 @ 9:15 pm
After this blog Pauly, you may have many midgets at your door and not all of them will be looking for a job.
Comment by Syd — June 3, 2006 @ 11:01 pm
Huge liability issues. Also? It’s posts like this for which you need an alter-ego posting to WFME.
Comment by Belinda — June 4, 2006 @ 12:02 am
Belinda - Alter ego? P-shaw. I stand strong alongside my desire for a door midget.
Comment by Pauly D — June 4, 2006 @ 1:01 am