WFME’s Rules of Hugging (For Men)
June 2nd, 2006
You’ve seen the chaos that can be caused by two men who don’t know if they should hug or not.
That’s why WFME is taking time out of our weekly “Words For Your Enjoyment” tradition (it’s back next week so start sending in your ideas) to give you the most important set of rules that you will ever need when faced with such a situation. As for the ladies who are thinking this doesn’t concern them at all, think again.
You all know men. So please pass this along.
We’ve all been there before. A group of friends see each other and greet each other. Women hug women. Men hug women. Women hug children. Men hug children. Women hug teenagers and adolescents as do men. There’s never a question that a hug is the most normal thing in the world.
But what about us guys?
Just so you can get a little look into the inner-minds of men, when we approach a situation like the one I just discussed above, our brains are confused. We always reach our hands out to shake but then are often pulled into a weird hand-shake/back-slap half-hug disaster that often resembles two men who are unsure if they’re planning on wrestling or attacking each other. It’s a strange cultural dance that doesn’t have to be.
That’s why WFME wanted to take this opportunity to offer up ten rules for men in such situations so there’s no more of these guessing games any longer. So, without further adieu — here are the ten rules of hugging:
- If you are wearing a concert T-shirt of any kind, basketball high-tops, have a buzz-cut, are wearing a backwards baseball cap, have one of those long chains hanging from your pants or have a piercing just below your lip — extend your hand and shake…but do not hug.
- If you are alone and you happen to run into another man who is also alone, know that a hug is not in the cards. Extend your hand to shake and leave well enough alone.
- If you are with a group that exceeds ten people, a handshake/hug combination should also include some kind of “What up, dude” exclamation with a hearty back slap.
- When running into a friend in a church, temple, mosque…or at a funeral, memorial service, charity event or Make-A-Wish Foundation scenario — hugs can occur for longer than 10 seconds. Otherwise, they may never exceed the 5 second rule.
- A male on male hug should always occur last, after hugging of other opposite sex members of the group has occured. If you happen to be situated right next to your male friend when the greeting begins and there is no way to get out of saying hello first, extend a hand to shake while looking at another opposite sex person out of the corner of your eye. As you start to shake hands but before any potential hugging begins, say something like “Oh hey look who’s here!” and slide out of the shake to hug the other person. You may come back to hug your friend at the end, at which point you can say “Dude, c’mere man!”
- Under no circumstance may you hug a male friend if you are both wearing the same shirt.
- Under no circumstance may you hug a male friend if you are both shirtless.
- Under no circumstance may you hug a male friend if you both run into each other staring at the same shirt in a display window of a clothing store.
- In the event you are alone and you run into two male friends, you may not hug either. If one of the two pulls you into a male hug and you cannot escape, keep one shoulder completely out of the hug so it appears to be a half-shake/half-hug combination. Then, the second friend will assume that a handshake is all you’re into.
- As always, never hug and run. A brisk walk-away following a shake, slap & hug is permitted. But a run… Well, a run will ruin everything.
WFME hopes that with these rules under your belt, that there will no longer be any confusion (in your minds and on your faces) when pulled into a scenario of affection you weren’t expecting.
When all else fails, remember this clever rhyming phrase: a bug, a hug in a rug, don’t shrug!
Honestly, we think that says it all.
Damn and I was about to suggest the patting of other people’s butts (like in baseball).
Comment by monkeyinabox — June 2, 2006 @ 8:28 am
Monkey - Yeah, no. That wouldn’t be a good step to take. While wearing full baseball equipment, sure. But in normal street clothes?
Comment by Pauly D — June 2, 2006 @ 8:42 am
Pauly, is there any sort of rule about hugship based on how long you’ve known the other guy? For instance, if I’ve known Jack for 5 or 10 years, does it automatically qualify for at least half-hug status?
Comment by Karl in the Dark — June 2, 2006 @ 8:43 am
Karl - For every year you’ve known the person you can add ONE SECOND to the 5 second hug rule. So, you know, if you’ve known your father for 30 years, you can hug him for 35 seconds, but no longer.
Okay?
Comment by Pauly D — June 2, 2006 @ 8:46 am
You need to print this info up and pass it out Pauly. People need to know!
Comment by Hilary — June 2, 2006 @ 9:02 am
Whew….now I am confused.
Comment by Syd — June 2, 2006 @ 9:04 am
I’m still confused. Are men worried about appearing “interested” in the other guy? Or is it just simple “fear of seeming to enjoy overt signs of affection”? You are a man, at least I think so based on your picture - although I’ve never hugged you, Please clarify!
Comment by Susan — June 2, 2006 @ 11:23 am
you seem to extend your hand and shake quite a bit, what ever happened to the good old fashioned high five?
Comment by better safe than sorry — June 2, 2006 @ 2:08 pm
Okay, just to get it, (ahem), str8, as a guru of all things gay, I would appreciate all you men listening up and following this advice. It seems as though Paul, may have gotten his hands on one of our recent memo’s at the “furthering our gay agenda” meetings. Y’all are starting to confuse us gay guys. And a quick side note, I know Pink is the new Blog, but is it the new black as well?? If I see one more str8 guy coming into my work, (huge cubicle like setting,) in a pink shirt, I am just going to lose it. Pink is not slimming, flattering, and even if it has a polo pony on it, is not sports related in any way. So please men, leave the pink shirts at home and we will all sleep better at night. Thanx Paul on clearing this up with all your readers…GG
Comment by The Gay Guru — June 2, 2006 @ 7:37 pm
What about the male/male hug and kiss? I think you should have put that in your guidelines. We’ve seen all those guys on The Sopranos do it, but what if you’re not a mobster? I’ve seen men kiss their fathers and uncles, too. Otherwise, when it it okay for men to kiss their guy friends?
And I, too, would like to know why such guidelines exist, to not appear interested in each other? Obviously, it’s something us women don’t have to worry about.
Comment by Eve — June 2, 2006 @ 9:02 pm
Now I need a hug.
But I’m not sure whether I can have one or not… you need to come up with some kind of “hug hotline” that guys can call to get advice.
Comment by Dave2 — June 2, 2006 @ 9:29 pm
Haha! My brothers won’t even hug ME, let alone any member of the same sex (besides Dad)!
Comment by Anne — June 3, 2006 @ 6:41 am
I think there needs to be some clarification on sporting hugs. Like, why it’s okay to hug at events but not at the gym.
Comment by Carly — June 3, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
Eve - No kissing, sorry.
Carly - Sporting hugs are OK. Like I said, if you’re wearing a uniform it’s all good.
Comment by Pauly D — June 4, 2006 @ 8:33 am
Ah, so it’s the *uniform* and not just the sport. ‘Cause I spotted two dudes at my gym greet each other with a manly hug, and others looked at them like they were nuts. I thought the presence of any physical activity was a-okay. My mistake.
Comment by Carly — June 4, 2006 @ 12:31 pm
Yeah, even French guys won’t kiss each other, and that’s saying something. The French kiss EVERYONE, but two men do not kiss. Heck, they don’t even hug. They shake hands, no awkward half-hug, half-shake thing. But then, that’s just the French. And who wants to be like them?
Comment by kusems — June 6, 2006 @ 6:49 am
I really think this rules are totally out of context. A man who feels confident of himself and confortable with his sexuality (straight or gay) should be free to express himself and his feelings with a hug if needed. We are not machines that follow instructions for feelings. A hug is an expression of affection to another person, no hug should be taken lightly nor should one check a rule list before saying someone “you are dear to me” with a hug!
Comment by Oney — January 28, 2008 @ 2:27 pm