Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)

  1. “Don’t speak. No. Seriously. Don’t say a word.”
  2. “I am SO bloated.”
  3. [Crying, uncontrollably.]
  4. “Before you say a thing I just want you to know that I already ate an entire box of granola.”
  5. “Jimmy-cakes?”
  6. “Thank god, I thought after the whole bao incident that you’d never call back.”
  7. “What city please?”
  8. “I don’t want you to judge me for what I’m about to say and I don’t want you to think of me any less or look at me in a bad light or anything like that after I say what I’m about to say but I hope you can just have an open mind and really not think negatively about what I’m about to say…right…this…minute.” [Then don’t say a thing, no matter what they say.]
  9. “Square root of 65, please.”
  10. “Press 1 to continue or press 2 instead.”

21 comments on “Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)

  1. Karl in the Dark - May 30, 2006 at 9:39 am -

    Whenever I don’t recognize the name on the Caller ID I always like to drop my voice to the gravelly basement and answer, “Uncle Guido’s House of Love.” Nine times out of ten they hang up without a word.

  2. Bre - May 30, 2006 at 10:10 am -

    Ha! I usually forget what phone I’m answering and say things like “Residence Life, this is Bre” instead of “Hello.”

    Number 9 sounds rather delightful though… just to keep people on their toes!

  3. Pauly D - May 30, 2006 at 10:21 am -

    Bre – I’ve used #9 before. People usually give me the answer “7” a lot.

  4. susan - May 30, 2006 at 10:44 am -

    “Marlene’s Massage Parlor – We Don’t Rub You the Wrong Way! Marlene speaking”

  5. annabel lee - May 30, 2006 at 10:52 am -

    I find that pure silence works best. Just pick up the phone and don’t say anything at all.

  6. Jerry - May 30, 2006 at 12:12 pm -

    This is sick for sure but if I answer the phone to a telemarketer I pretend I am mentally handicapped. Not a complete tard just slow enough that after about a minute or two it dawns on the caller they are talking to someone with a lesser mental capacity. That moment of clarity comes through the phone loud and clear and is priceless everytime. Please no PC lectures on this post.

  7. Nicole - May 30, 2006 at 1:31 pm -

    My Mom tells a story of answering the phone by saying “Dear God” instead of hello when she was little (I think they were about to pray at the dinner table), then staring in horror at the phone and hanging up on whoever had called.

    Personally I think it would be funnier to answer the phone by saying “Amen” and then hang up.

  8. H.F. Peterman - May 30, 2006 at 2:13 pm -

    (In my best theatric voice) Welcome to moviefone…If you know the film you would like to see…please say it now.

  9. Curt Sawyer - May 30, 2006 at 2:19 pm -

    What about #11 – “Freddie?”

    😉

  10. Rabbit - May 30, 2006 at 3:49 pm -

    I just let the machine pick up. No one wants to talk to a machine.

  11. Daniel Nicolas - May 30, 2006 at 5:19 pm -

    “Sam’s Morge – You Stab em, We slab em.”

    and

    “Darling, Darling, it’s been so long. Paris was wonderful. I thought you would never call, yet I’ve been expecting the phone to ring every waking moment. I even dream of the phone ringing. How was your vacation in Siberia? I kept every single postcard. *sigh* I still can’t believe you called”

    but you gotta say it as lust-fully as possible, and don’t let them get a word in before you finish. They’ll either hang up or they’ll start laughing.
    unless you actually went to paris and had a one-night-stand with someone, and then they went to siberia and sent you postcards, and then somehow they’re calling you.
    =)

  12. Eve - May 30, 2006 at 7:47 pm -

    I never answer if I don’t recognize the number. This didn’t work out too well when my mom was calling me for a week while on vacation in Bermuda and I never picked up. (She was using a public phone so my ID read it as “Unknown Caller” with no area code. — sorry Mom!).

    But yeah, I let it go to voice mail, but I do like #7 and #9. I might have to pocket those for future use.

  13. Anne - May 31, 2006 at 6:32 am -

    My brothers like fooling our friends. We have caller ID, and it is hilarious to hear them. They actually DID fool our friends into thinking they had gotten the wrong number!

    The NRA has been trying to find me to beg me to join, so when I didn’t want to talk to them, one of my brothers acted like a tard on the phone. It was SOOO funny!

    Here’s some funny telemarketer pranks I’ve compiled.

  14. rachh - May 31, 2006 at 7:33 am -

    I always answer no to everything
    Telesales: Hello my name is Roy and I work on behalf of orange mobile phone network, is your name…………..?
    Me: No
    Roy: could I speak to the person who ownes the mobile phone?Me: No
    Roy: It’s just that you are entitled to a free upgrade as you have been a contract customer for more than 11 months
    Me: No!!!!
    Roy: and so I would like to take the opportunity of facilitating that upgrade for you today
    Me: No
    Roy: I’m sorry are you saying that you don’t want a free upgrade at this time?
    Me: No
    Roy: Well can I take a couple of minutes to explain the different handsets currently available to you?
    Me: No

    And round and round you go. Faultlessly funny
    Rachh

  15. Syd - May 31, 2006 at 9:12 am -

    I like intirigue….very much.

  16. Carly - June 1, 2006 at 11:17 am -

    I’m so down with numbers 3 and 7. Though I’ve found great success with “There’s nobody home!” as well.

  17. Dan - January 21, 2007 at 2:37 am -

    “Joe’s pizzeria, Joe speaking”

  18. Shadow - January 27, 2007 at 1:33 pm -

    Chocolate Thunder, How may I please you!!!

    I love this one

    Answer the phone:

    Do you want Fries with that?

    or

    Can I supersize that for you?

    or

    My favorite! just yell one word the first one that cames to you. eg WINERS, DILDO, KUMQUAT…. You get the point

    I answerd the phone to my grandma before I had caller ID and said this:

    What is long and hard and full of ‘Sea men’ and it not a sub!

    LOL, well I dont think I can post her reaction but, it was great, she dont look at me the same way anymore though!!!

    TaTa,
    Shadow

  19. alyssa - February 25, 2007 at 11:18 am -

    my favorites:
    Lila’s Lesbian house of Love how may I help you?
    (in a sexy/perky voice)

    City morgue, you kill em we chill em… what can i do for you today?

    or if its a telemarketer… just repeat what they say … as if your trying to sell THEM something =)

  20. knightroiben - May 6, 2007 at 10:52 pm -

    I find that this is always good:

    “Hello. I’m a secret agent for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Whoops…Now I’m gonna have to kill you. Where did you say you lived again?”

    If that doesn’t work, I make up elaberate (I can’t spell that) stories that get more riducuous as they go on and then tell them to the person very seriously. Take this for example:

    “Hi, is Mr. Smith home?”
    “No, I’m sorry. He was run over by a drunk trucker last night.”
    “I’m sorry.”
    “Don’t be. There’s tons of men in the world!”
    (Now comes silence, followed by a click.)

  21. Alexis - February 5, 2018 at 6:18 pm -

    This one is great, I use it for unknown numbers
    (I will use Pennsylvania as an example)

    “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Morge. You kill em, we grill em! How can I help you?”

    Say this in a “this is your captain speaking” voice, like on a plane pilot. I do it all the time… I leave a lot of people frightened…. funny, though!!! 🙂

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