“No water go bad.”
It’s the kind of phrase a five year old kid with a lisp might say while you were getting him one of those mylar metallic-reflective balloons as you told him he shouldn’t drink what was left in that water bottle hanging out the back of the stroller of his five month old sister because eventually, like all other foods on this planet — water eventually goes bad.
Yet that’s not the conspiracy I’m talking about here.
Apparently, water never goes bad. Buy a bottle of water, drink half of it, then leave the remaining amount of water in the bottle in the backseat of your car and let it bake in the sun for weeks or months and then one day come back to your car after a night of partying and feel the need to hydrate your system and with zero money and zero stores open you’ll find yourself contemplating the one thing you never thought you’d contemplate…
Drinking water that’s been sitting in a bottle, heating up and cooling down, laying behind the passenger side seat of your car after ten months of action.
The conspiracy water theorists will tell you that water lasts forever. That it never goes bad. Whether it’s warm or cold or been shaken or stirred — water will always be good as long as it’s been safe inside some kind of bottle where the evil scents and chemicals of the world couldn’t get at it. That water in a bottle is the one consumed item on this planet that will never ever go bad.
It makes no sense to me.
Doesn’t water go bad? I mean, couldn’t it possibly ever go bad? Sitting there, all those hours, for all those days, getting heated up then cooled down, then tossed around then shaken and stirred then opened then closed? I wouldn’t eat a sandwich that was hermetically sealed inside a ziploc bag and stored in a FRIDGE for a week…so why would I drink out of a bottle of water that’s been lodged between an old box of Ding Dongs and a tire iron in the trunk of my car for a month?
Water is the elixir of life, you might say. Water, is the clearest form of liquid flattery ever to pass beyond those parched lips of yours, you might think to yourself but not say because it sort of sounds kind of ghey. Water is the one liquid that keeps the human race alive, you might write down on a little index card and hang on your office cubicle wall next to your wispy-old haired pencil-eraser troll toy, in the hopes that that girl down the hall will notice how “in touch with the environment” you really are and eventually agree to go out with you…
But despite these sayings and thoughts and sexually-harrassing actions you take part in, I still don’t buy the fact that water, stuck in a bottle, in the back of my car, for over a month…is safe to drink.
If I handed you a package of yogurt that had no expiration date on it…would you eat it? Even if it was cold and fresh and the pre-printed logo on the outside of the package wasn’t smeared (like most old food packages normally do after they’ve been rubbing up against newly packaged food in the back of the fridge and often wedged in between some kind of cottage cheese container) you still wouldn’t eat it.
So then why must you perpetrate the faux-water no-go bad conspiracy?
I, for one, will never agree.