If you stopped once in awhile to look around, you’d see what was happening.
I don’t know if it’s me and I don’t know if it’s just Los Angeles, but it seems that everywhere I go lately there are people trying to infuriate the friends and co-workers around them by wetting their fingers in their mouth, then tapping their friends on an exposed area of their skin in an attempt to, you know, get them all annoyed and worked up. I’m not talking about spitting or gleeking or loogie-ing. I am not talking about coughing spittle or eating a sour candy and accidentally nabbing someone next to you. No.
I am talking about Saliva-Watch 2006.
When the act of regurgitating saliva onto an external body part of some kind then wiping it on someone nearby became something fun to do while waiting for your tacos or for that movie line to start moving…well, I have no idea. But lately, everywhere I look there are people running around screaming at each other for such an act as this. But it’s not just the finger-to-mouth saliva-wipe that’s going on. There are a myriad of people cutting out the middleman altogether (i.e., the finger that transports the saliva) and simply running up to someone from behind, sticking their tongue to their upperarm or back of the neck, then giddily running away cackling.
I cackle when I ring a doorbell and run away without getting caught. I cackle when I perform a funny phony phone call. I cackle when I see some guy get hit in the nuts by his kid with one of those plastic oversized nerf bats. But when someone comes up and salivas me without any warning?
I just sort of get pissed off.
The pro-saliva-ers will argue until the end of time that “you’ve got saliva in your mouth what are you so worried about” or the significant others who slicks you with their “clear-juice” will argue that “you kiss me so what’s the big deal if I wipe my salived thumb against your ear lobe…” People will defend their salivaness with such phrases as “it’s just a joke” and “if saliva gets you this pissed off then I sure wouldn’t like to see how you react to catching bird flu from me”!
See what I mean? There’s no legitimate reason for such actions.
And so here I sit, protected in the safety of my own home, peering out into the real world and watching as Saliva-Watch 2006 continues to grow like a festering boil on the saliva glands of society. I’m not kidding you when I tell you that in the last week I have personally witnessed three (3) wet willies, two (2) lickings of the index finger then wiping of said index finger along someone’s neck, five (5) tongue-juice slaps, one (1) saliva cupped in one’s hand then wiped across a guy’s forehead, eight (8) corner of the mouth saliva sprays, four (4) saliva-enhanced peach pit spit-outs combined with a wipe along someone’s lower back…and two (2) blatant shoulder bite/flirty saliva wipes with zero warning whatsoever.
Can’t people just tickle each other like they used to in the good old days?
Yeah yeah, people have heart conditions, I get you. So instead of tickling someone, what about hiding from around a corner and yelling “boo!”? Or what about telling knock knock jokes? Or kneeling behind an unknowing person then having another friend push them so they flip over and onto the ground? Or whoopie cushions? Or severing the brake lines in their car so when they go down a hill the brakes totally go out!?
I’m talking about FUNNY stuff, not stupid saliva wiping.
As I write this, I suspect I may be the only one involved in Saliva-Watch 2006 and I suspect that everyone else out there will disagree with me and say something like, “oh c’mon you old-timer, don’t you see the fun one can have with wiping saliva on their finger then spreading it across an unsuspecting person’s neck…? What are you, an unfeeling dead corpse!?”
Apparently so, people. Apparently so.
But just because I may very well stand alone here atop the mountain of saliva-discontent, it won’t change my belief system and it will never cause me to embrace that which I find morally reprehensible, visually distubring and horrifically nauseating while extremely immature all wrapped in one wet, saliva-ish package.
I stand strong, and the watch will continue.
With or without you.