I Love You, But That Mole On Your Cheek Really Must Go
May 18th, 2006
It’s a question that is as old as time.
I cross paths at least once a week with someone who has a big old mole on their cheek and they’ve got a nasty old hair protruding right out from the center — the kind of thick hair that if you were slipping down an embankment or hanging over the edge of a huge cliff and the only thing you could grab onto in order to pull yourself up and save your life was a hair coming out of a mole like I’ve just described, well… That hair would totally hold.
But when it comes to you, your mole, and that hair — I just can’t help but wonder why you’ve kept it for so long.
I get the fear of doctors and dermotologists. Trust me, I do. I may even have a mole here and there on my arm or my back or what not. But if I had a mole that felt like a water balloon to the touch and had the kind of Jeff Goldblum The Fly hairs sticking out of the center, and I suddenly started to realize how women with large chests feel because people would be constantly staring at my cheek and not my eyes when I was talking to them…well…
I’d probably get the bastard lanced off or something.
So then why do you continue to live a life that is only 89% happy when you could be living a life that is 93% happy by getting that mole removed from your cheek? Sure, you can say that you’re content living a life where you’re only 89% happy, but that’s just because you’ve never experienced an increase in happiness by 4%. A four percent increase in “happy” is far more dramatic-feeling than you know. It reminds me of the time that I went to the supermarket to get a box of Cap’n Crunch and found out that for $2.99 I could get TWO BOXES of any kind of Cap’n Crunch cereal as long as I keyed in my club card code. Well, that day will live in infamy as the day my happy-quotient jumped 3.5% up. Sure, it wasn’t 4%, but I did really feel excited when the happiness was infused into my life.
So if lancing a big old mushy mole with a pole of hair coming out of the center could increase the quality of your life, why wouldn’t you do it?
Next to having an intervention, writing you today in this forum is the only way I can fully try to communicate the difference you will feel in life once you’ve had that tubby tummy of a skin tag sliced off your head. Thing is, take a look at how people might talk to you differently if you didn’t have it on your cheek:
Before Having That Sentient Mush Ball Sliced Off
Them: “Oh hey black head, what’s up?”
After Having That Squishy Skin-Bao Removed
Them: “Oh hey, what’s up?”
As you can see — after a simple outpatient procedure at your local doctor’s office, people will be looking at you in a whole new light. You’ll find that those promotions that were out of reach are now still out of reach but you’ll be 4% happier knowing you don’t have a second head growing out of the side of your face. No longer will people stop on the street and cover the eyes of their children as you walk by — but now they will just walk on by ignoring you completely. No longer will you stare at your mole in the mirror and wonder if it’s moving on its own — instead, you will look in the mirror and wonder if someone, someday will emotionally move you enough to get you to say those words that you’ve been too afraid to say since the “Turkey Baster Incident of ‘05.”
I love you. You need to know this. I do.
But that mole on your cheek really must go and not go in a kind of “go to the store and then to the park and then to the magazine stand and then come back home later with some dinner” but more of a “go into the sanitary garbage pail in the corner of your dermotologist’s office after being frozen off with some hi-tech device of some kind” instead. Or you could just tell me why you want to keep it so bad and try to convince me with visual aids and Powerpoint presentations.
But that would probably be a not-so-good idea.
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In other news, if you missed me on ESPN’s Cold Pizza you can check out the video and additional audio over at the Lost Blogs press page.
Mushy mole? I think I’m done with my breakfast now.
Comment by Hilary — May 18, 2006 @ 9:22 am
I’m 89% sure I would have my mole removed. However, most people can’t stop staring at my eye-patch, so the 4% happy increase probably wouldn’t apply.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — May 18, 2006 @ 9:37 am
Man…I’m glad I don’t have any huge moles like that…
Comment by Anne — May 18, 2006 @ 1:28 pm
Anne - You’re just saying that to make us THINK you don’t have one. I got the above picture from your blog.
Comment by Pauly D — May 18, 2006 @ 1:56 pm
I have a mole on my face. Not on my cheek. It’s right next to my nose. I used to be very self conscious about it, but I got over it.
And then I read this post.
I feel like such a freak now.
Comment by Rabbit — May 18, 2006 @ 3:15 pm
I once knew a guy who had a mole on his arm that was the size of a quarter…and it had more than just a single solitary hair growing out of it…it was like a forest of a hundred hairs growing out of that one mole. He wasn’t particularly hairy anywhere but on the mole.
It was seriously one of the top 10 most revolting things I’ve ever come across in this life.
Comment by Leah — May 19, 2006 @ 5:04 am
I have a large, raised, hairy mole on my cheek. I was raised in the Philippines and taught to leave it alone by my mother. Since coming to the States I have received a couple of rude remarks about it. Back home I always received compliments about it and was told it’s a beauty mark. Every no and then I have noticed some stares by a few rude people but I want to leave my mole alone. If I trim the hairs, they will grow back longer and course. Mine are very fine and soft . They are definately not the kind described by the original poster.
Comment by Laura — September 28, 2006 @ 3:12 pm
well i have a mole rite there were u have it WOW ppl sayy mole mole mole mole bt i think a mole is a beauitful birth mark.
Comment by Helenn — January 18, 2007 @ 1:40 pm
I saw a woman the other day with a mole on her check like the one Laura described she has (the one from the Philippines who posted a couple ago). I was also a hairy mole but had a lot of very fine, long baby hairs growing form it. They seemed to grow out and down in a perfect swirl. I’ve never seen a woman with a mole like that where the hairs were not dark and course like a witches. I can see why she or the other woman, Laura, would be afraid to trim the hairs and have them grow back course.
Comment by Johnny — May 21, 2007 @ 1:05 pm
I love moles. My girlfriend has one near her eye right in the classic place where some people actually draw them on. I think it’s attractive as long as it isn’t too big, but of course I suppose the more vain of citizens (especially here in America) would find them gross rather than embrace them as part of the person’s features.
In any case, I say if it doesn’t bother you, don’t worry about it and let the superficial freaks out there make fun of it all they want. This topic poster was trying to be funny, I understand, and I actually did laugh, truth be told, but if I were someone with a mole on my face, I would imagine that a blog like this would hurt me quite a bit. Have a heart.
Comment by Quagmire — May 19, 2008 @ 3:20 pm