Time to face facts, people.
Were you aware that over 50% of Americans eat stuff out of their own kitchen garbages? Are you aware that the trend is happening so often that there are support groups to help people cope? You’ve probably even seen references to the eating out of the garbage thing on popular TV shows and sitcoms.
So if that’s the case, isn’t it time we set a list of ground rules on what you can eat and what you can’t eat?”
Whether or not you know it, more people would opt to eat out of their own kitchen or household garbages if it was more socially accepted. But we can’t just have people eating out of the garbage without setting some ground rules first. So, that being said, here’s the ten rules you need to consider if you plan on getting into this “hot” new fad.
- You may eat anything that is on the top layer of the garbage.
- You may not retrieve protein from the garbage (i.e., chicken, fish, beef) unless it has previously been wrapped in plastic wrap or is currently sandwiched inbetween a bun of some kind.
- Packages of cookies, pre-wrapped candies and boxes of crackers can always be consumed no matter how far down in the garbage they have been placed, thanks to their outer protective structures.
- If you need a utensil (spoon, fork, grabbing device of any kind) to retrieve the food from the garbage, you may not retrieve it and consume it.
- You may never eat food out of the garbage whose names happen to rhyme with “mottage tease.”
- You may eat the fillings inside of foods that you previously weren’t allowed to eat. For example, you may not eat a chicken breast out of the garbage (as referenced in #2) but you may eat the fillings inside of a chicken breast (i.e. chicken cordon bleu) if you so desire.
- If you plan on retrieving and consuming a food item from the garbage and someone else in your household sees you eating said food and wants some, you must come clean and announce that the food had previously been thrown away.
- You may never eat sushi out of the garbage.
- If said kitchen garbage has been packed up and moved to the outside industrial sized garbage pails, you may only go into that closed bag if it is indeed closed and is one of the top two bags in the industrial sized garbage pail. If it is below the top layer you may not go into the bag to retrieve said food items.
- If you can’t recognize what the food item is, you may not eat it out of the garbage.
I hope these helpful rules will help you make the most out of your household and industrial sized garbage-eating.
And remember — the key to successful digestion is always chewing your food.