Words for My Enjoyment

Six Easy Steps To Forming Your Own Successful Charity

May 7th, 2006

Let’s face it, people love to give to charities.

When you give to a charity, you’re giving a tax deductible donation, which means you can write it off at the end of your fiscal year. When you give to a charity, you feel good about yourself because you did something charitable for someone less fortunate. When you give to a charity, you’re making dreams come true for less fortunate, needy human beings. When you have your own successful charity, the sky is the limit.

Which got me thinking that I should probably start one myself.

But until my charity (tentatively called “Chari-Paul Industries, Limited”) is fully ready to be revealed (there’s a lot of paperwork and logo stuff and t-shirts to get finished) I thought it would be nice to share the fruits of my labor with the WFME readers. I mean, if you knew how easy it was to create your own charity, you’d probably have one of your own as I type this. So, why don’t we get started?

Step #1: Pick A Splashy Name
Here’s something people often don’t think about, although they know it subconsciously. People love writing checks to companies with flashy, splashy, fun-to-say names. Why do you think The Make A Wish Foundation racks in so much dough? So, picking a splashy name is the first key step in forming your own charity. I’ve created a really easy chart to give you a starting point so you can do it on you own. Just pick one choice from list A, list B and list C — then string them together to form your new charity [and please show your work]:

List A
Chari-
Swoop-De-Doop
[Your Last Name]
Dream-Makers
POW!
Together

List B
[Your First Name]
Wonderland
For Life
Love-Givers
Sky’s The Limit
Laughter is King

List C
Limited
& Associates
Foundation
Community Caregivers
Charitable Industries
Incorporated, Esq.

Step #2: Find A Charity Spokesperson
No matter what your charity is about, it’s key to pick a sick or needy person to be your spokesperson. If you can’t convince everyone around you that what you’re collecting money for is going to help people, you won’t be too successful. So if your charity is about helping the homeless, pick a homeless person to be your spokesperson. Starting a charity to help people with multiple-personality disorder? Get someone who thinks they’re twenty-four separate people (which is also helpful since you can ask each of the 24 people to work long hours, thus getting your charitable donations-worth). Starting a charity to help those who have lost limbs in tragic industrial workplace environments? The less limbs the better. Although I can’t let you in on what my charity is just yet, I will tell you that my spokesperson is blind, can’t smell, has tourette’s syndrome and often thinks they’re King Arthur.

Step #3: Write A Jingle
What’s a charity without a jingle, you ask? Well, it’s a charity without a commercial, because if you don’t have a jingle you can’t have a commercial and if you don’t have a commercial no one will know about your charity and if no one knows about your charity no one is going to give any money to your charity and if no one gives money to your charity you’ve basically got a charity that’s poor — and if you have a charity that’s poor you’d better home someone else started a charity to raise money for poor charities or you’re gonna be screwed.

Here’s a sample jingle for a sample commercial for a charity called (using the above chart): Pow! Sky’s The Limit Incorporated, Esq.

Pow! Pow! POW!
Can you feel it now?
The sky’s the limit here,
of that, we’re very clear!

Pow! Pow! POW!
We’re incorporated, too.
Esquire, through and through.
That also means that we can sue!

And so on. You get the idea. Now, if you can just imagine hungry and poor people in shiny, bedazzled outfits dancing in the rain to the above song being sung by Josh Groban…well, you’re already smelling the cash, aren’t you?

Step #4: Learn to Cry
Can you cry? On command? Well, knowing how to force tears to stream down your face while you’re telling people about your new charity is key to getting them to write you a check. And even if they love the name of your charity and they can’t wait to write it on a check, and they really feel bad for your spokesperson and the jingle makes them jump up and down in their shoes — if you can’t cry, they won’t believe in your cause. A lot of professional drama teachers here in Hollywood will tell you to search for a “sense memory” something in your past that was very traumatic that can get you to cry. I say, phooey. Just make sure you’ve got a tiny sewing needle in your pocket, stick your hand in the pocket, jam your hand on the needle, and watch as the tears stream down your face.

Step #5: Don’t Wash Your Hair With Shampoo Every Single Day
This is very important. Haven’t you heard this from your hair salon stylist? If you shampoo your hair every single day you strip the oils from your scalp that your hair needs to flourish. But if you stop shampooing every single day and only shampoo your hair every OTHER day, then before long your hair and scalp will produce the necessary oils to keep your hair looking shiny and lustrous without having to use shampoo every day. Know this, at first on those off-days you’re going to feel like your hair just seems flat and gross. But give it a few weeks and before long you’ll be extremely satisfied with the results.

Step #6: Candles. Own Candles. Lots of Them.
Do I really need to explain this one to you people? If I do, you’ve got further to go on this journey of starting your own charity than you originally thought. Let’s face it — a room filled with glowing candles makes people feel warm, comfortable and more willing to write checks to a tax-deductible cause for people who are less fortunate than them, and who most often do not live in a situation where they can feel warm and comfortable around candles. Candles also can be seen as having hidden symbolism for humans — they instill hope and represent the life blood of the human race. Use that to your advantage. When you think you’re pretty close to getting someone to write a check, take them right up to a flickering candle and blow it out. Then say any of the following:

“Life is fragile. And needs money.”
“If you can write that check, we can afford to relight this candle.”
“Don’t let the glow of their souls flicker out like this candle.”
“You ever see that Police music video with all the candles?”
“It’s a good thing I blew that out or your hair would have caught on fire.”

With these six easy steps, you’ll be creating your own charity in no time. And you’ll be sucking up cash like you were vacuuming up the vault of a Swiss bank. And helping people, too. We can’t forget the helping people. Cause that’s sort of key.

But the cool sounding name is important, too.

Posted under It's True!. |