Words for My Enjoyment

Today’s Thoughts on No-Skill Ladder Holders

May 1st, 2006

People love shortcuts.

In fact, if you were to give someone a choice between a half-cooked omlette and a pan, some eggs, cheese and chives and a stove and ask them if they’d rather risk getting salmonella poisoning or cook their own food, they’d probably try their luck at the already half-cooked egg dish. It’s a matter of people in society preferring to do the least possible amount of work but still getting results in the process…

Which brings us to no-skill ladder holders.

Have you ever noticed that whenever there’s work to do that involves nailing or hammering or hanging or securing or floating or chopping or painting or lugging — the no-skill ladder holder is always quick to claim the job of ladder-holder before anyone else can? Have you ever noticed that when there’s a ladder nearby, the N.S.L.H. is always leaning on the ladder, getting ready to say something intelligently-stupid like:

“Now we gotta be safe here when we do this so…why don’t I hold the ladder?”

And then you, with your hanging-hammer belt and your helmet with the light on top of it, start climbing up the ladder thinking to yourself something like, “Thank god this ladder holder was here or I’d probably fall off the ladder while trying to nail up this thing onto this thing.”

WFME Ladder Realization #1: “Ladders aren’t meant to fall.”

It’s true — ladders are actually created in a tripod like manner so that when you’re standing atop the ladder, it won’t fall over. That’s right, no matter if there’s some guy lightly resting his hands on the metal legs of the ladder — if you were going to fall off and break your head open there’s nothing Mr. Ladder Holder could do. Yet there he stands, with his hands lightly brushing up against the ladder-steps, with you standing high atop the metal giant, feeling so much safer because you know who is doing his you know what.

No-skill ladder holders should really be called lazy self-conscious wannabes.

In my day and age I’ve even known some no-skill ladder holders to casually bump up against the ladder while they’re “holding it in place” in order to give the illusion that said-ladder isn’t so secure, but thankfully they’re in place down there making sure it’s not going to wobble and fall over while you’re on top. I’ve heard stories about no-skill ladder holders holding a ladder with one hand and “bracing themselves with their other hand” by grabbing onto the edge of a house or car. There are old yarns that people tell about the time a no-skill ladder holder actually pushed over the ladder someone was standing on just so he could catch his ladder-climber because the ladder-climber had become suspicious that the need for a ladder-holder wasn’t necessary… But that no-skill ladder holder, afraid the jig was about to be up, did what any no-skill ladder holder would do to survive…

They control the world with fear.

You may fall. You may break your head open. The poor crafstmanship of the ladder is more than obvious. No mere mortal is meant to stand that high without someone spotting them from below. Yes, the reasons for the existence of the no-skill ladder holder are plentiful. And you’ll know when you meet a N.S.L.H. for they will have a thousand reasons why you need a spotter and a million reasons why they, themselves, shouldn’t be making lemonade instead.

Do I mean to vilify the no-skill ladder holder? No. Is my quest to cart out the no-skill ladder holders for all the world to see just how little they do? Perhaps. Do I hope to take down the entire underworld of no-skill ladder holders in one full swoop by posting this reality check on this blog?

Yes.

Think about all the times it was just you and a friend trying to put up those rain gutters. Think about how long it took to do it because your friend insisted that he be the ladder holder while you do all the work. Think about all the times you had a ton of mirrors to hang in your living room but Mrs. No-Skill Ladder Holder insisted that she hold the ladder instead of get up there next to you and cut the work time in half. Think about all the moments in which you stood atop a ladder, without anyone nearby, and realized that the ladder was pretty damn sturdy without anyone holding it at the base.

You may have laughed a little laugh to yourself when you realized the true reality of the world.

Startling, isn’t it?

Posted under Ladder Holders, Thoughts. |