The world really has changed, my friends.
Back in the 1950’s there was a lot of craziness going on. There were people stuffing themselves into phone booths, Volkswagen cars and there were even fraternity pledges eating goldfish. In the 60’s there were people embracing free love and chemcially-enhanced drugs and in the 70’s and 80’s there were people swallowing balloons filled with heroin and taking planes from South America back into the states.
But today? You can’t even get someone to eat a stick of butter.
What’s happened to the daring people of the world, I wonder almost daily? What’s happened to the fly-by-the-seat of their pants, daredevils? Sure, there’s a few people out there doing crazy stuff, but on the whole, there’s just not enough people, per capita, keeping the wonder alive here in the States.
You know who I’m talking to, and they just won’t eat a stick of butter.
I’ve had lunches lately with a lot of friends, family and professional contacts. More often than not, the conversation turns to the butter on the table. “Would you eat an entire stick of butter if I asked you to?” I usually ask. “No, that’s gross,” they usually respond. “Well, would you eat an entire stick of butter for fifty-thousand dollars,” I ask them. “Fifty-thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter?” they respond… “I don’t know, that’s just not enough money.”
[Insert record scratching sound here.]
Fifty thousand dollars is not enough money to eat a stick of butter? In what kind of world do we live in? What kind of unreal expectations do people in society have that they wouldn’t take fifty thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter? Sure, it’s oily. Sure, it’s going to give you heartburn. Sure, it’s gross. But it’s a condiment, people. You spread it on your bread and you melt in in your frying pan and everything you eat has probably got some of the slippery goodness slathered all over it.
But you want more than fifty-thousand dollars to eat it?
Sometimes I’ll try to get the potential stick-of-butter eater (or butt-a-eata) down to twenty-thousand. Or even to thirty-thousand. Most of the time the potential butter eater gets personally insulted. What kind of garbage do I consider them to be, that I would initially offer them fifty-thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter, then downgrade my offer for eating butter to thirty-thousand dollars? Why would I do something like that?
“Am I a butter eating whore or something, is that why?” they’d ask.
I don’t know, but even if I’m a billionaire and I’ve got money coming out of my nose — if you can’t accept a cash offer of fifty thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter then I’m immediately going to lower that money like they do on a soon-to-be game show involving money, butter and briefcases… And the more you dance around the issue, the longer that happens, the lower the money goes until you may only be offered $500 to eat a stick of butter.
Which ironically, some of you would probably do.
Thing is — everyone’s greedy. They think to themselves that if you’re crazy enough to offer them fifty-thousand bucks to eat a stick of butter then you’re probably crazy enough to offer them one-hundred thousand to eat a stick of butter. And then their mind starts racing and they think that if you’re crazy enough to offer them one-hundred thousand to eat a stick of butter you may just give them a million bucks to do it… And then they’re imagining sitting around in their new home wondering if maybe they could have gotten two million and they’re kicking themselves and they’ve still got that awful butter film all over their tongue (even months later) and they’re pissed and they wish they’d just squeezed a little more cash out of your butter-eater-watching ass.
And therein lies the problem, my friends.
So, that being said — the next time someone offers you cold hard cash to eat a stick of butter, an entire container of creamer or half & half, a box of brown sugar, a used napkin, the grease at the bottom of an old can of coffee underneath their kitchen sink or any other items… Take the money. Don’t negotiate. And be happy anyone’s offering you cash for doing something you probably do on a daily basis without even knowing it.
Sure, you probably didn’t want to eat a stick of butter before you read this, but now you’re thinking it’s a pretty damn good idea.