People Just Don’t Want To Eat A Stick of Butter

The world really has changed, my friends.

Back in the 1950’s there was a lot of craziness going on. There were people stuffing themselves into phone booths, Volkswagen cars and there were even fraternity pledges eating goldfish. In the 60’s there were people embracing free love and chemcially-enhanced drugs and in the 70’s and 80’s there were people swallowing balloons filled with heroin and taking planes from South America back into the states.

But today? You can’t even get someone to eat a stick of butter.

What’s happened to the daring people of the world, I wonder almost daily? What’s happened to the fly-by-the-seat of their pants, daredevils? Sure, there’s a few people out there doing crazy stuff, but on the whole, there’s just not enough people, per capita, keeping the wonder alive here in the States.

You know who I’m talking to, and they just won’t eat a stick of butter.

I’ve had lunches lately with a lot of friends, family and professional contacts. More often than not, the conversation turns to the butter on the table. “Would you eat an entire stick of butter if I asked you to?” I usually ask. “No, that’s gross,” they usually respond. “Well, would you eat an entire stick of butter for fifty-thousand dollars,” I ask them. “Fifty-thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter?” they respond… “I don’t know, that’s just not enough money.”

[Insert record scratching sound here.]

Fifty thousand dollars is not enough money to eat a stick of butter? In what kind of world do we live in? What kind of unreal expectations do people in society have that they wouldn’t take fifty thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter? Sure, it’s oily. Sure, it’s going to give you heartburn. Sure, it’s gross. But it’s a condiment, people. You spread it on your bread and you melt in in your frying pan and everything you eat has probably got some of the slippery goodness slathered all over it.

But you want more than fifty-thousand dollars to eat it?

Sometimes I’ll try to get the potential stick-of-butter eater (or butt-a-eata) down to twenty-thousand. Or even to thirty-thousand. Most of the time the potential butter eater gets personally insulted. What kind of garbage do I consider them to be, that I would initially offer them fifty-thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter, then downgrade my offer for eating butter to thirty-thousand dollars? Why would I do something like that?

“Am I a butter eating whore or something, is that why?” they’d ask.

I don’t know, but even if I’m a billionaire and I’ve got money coming out of my nose — if you can’t accept a cash offer of fifty thousand dollars to eat a stick of butter then I’m immediately going to lower that money like they do on a soon-to-be game show involving money, butter and briefcases… And the more you dance around the issue, the longer that happens, the lower the money goes until you may only be offered $500 to eat a stick of butter.

Which ironically, some of you would probably do.

Thing is — everyone’s greedy. They think to themselves that if you’re crazy enough to offer them fifty-thousand bucks to eat a stick of butter then you’re probably crazy enough to offer them one-hundred thousand to eat a stick of butter. And then their mind starts racing and they think that if you’re crazy enough to offer them one-hundred thousand to eat a stick of butter you may just give them a million bucks to do it… And then they’re imagining sitting around in their new home wondering if maybe they could have gotten two million and they’re kicking themselves and they’ve still got that awful butter film all over their tongue (even months later) and they’re pissed and they wish they’d just squeezed a little more cash out of your butter-eater-watching ass.

And therein lies the problem, my friends.

So, that being said — the next time someone offers you cold hard cash to eat a stick of butter, an entire container of creamer or half & half, a box of brown sugar, a used napkin, the grease at the bottom of an old can of coffee underneath their kitchen sink or any other items… Take the money. Don’t negotiate. And be happy anyone’s offering you cash for doing something you probably do on a daily basis without even knowing it.

Sure, you probably didn’t want to eat a stick of butter before you read this, but now you’re thinking it’s a pretty damn good idea.

Slather-up!

26 comments on “People Just Don’t Want To Eat A Stick of Butter

  1. Flower Girl - April 25, 2006 at 8:15 am -

    Had you offered me $50,000 to eat a stick of butter, I’d have done it. No questions, no negotiations.

    I did see on one of those dare shows a chick who had to shave her head and mix the hair with butter and eat that, but I forget for how much money. Mostly because I had to leave the room…

  2. ms. sizzle - April 25, 2006 at 8:19 am -

    i ate a stick of butter just last night.

    and no one paid me.

    (damn it. i should have held out for the cash!)

  3. Pauly D - April 25, 2006 at 8:21 am -

    Sizz – You give me hope.

  4. Alison - April 25, 2006 at 8:41 am -

    I would totally eat a stick of butter. Now I can’t wait until someone offers me cash to do so! *bounces up and down in chair*

  5. Jacquie - April 25, 2006 at 9:04 am -

    why don’t I ever get these offers. The idea makes my stomach churn ironically, but I think I could deal with it for 50K. The problem is when these conversations come up, they aren’t really offers. Just wierd conversations. My friend told me she would eat her Shitzu for a Million.

  6. Pauly D - April 25, 2006 at 9:08 am -

    Jacquie – You tell your friend I will eat her Shitzu for $65,700.

  7. Keith - April 25, 2006 at 9:23 am -

    Butter just… tastes bad on its own. That’s what stopping me from eating a stick of it, not the health hazards.

  8. Rabbit - April 25, 2006 at 9:28 am -

    What’s the going rate for eating a jar of mayonnaise?

  9. C(h)ristine - April 25, 2006 at 9:37 am -

    I’d totally eat a stick of butter, eespecially for $50K. Especially if it’s a stick of plugra butter.

  10. butt-a-eata - April 25, 2006 at 9:58 am -

    Sounds like a “Decent Proposal”. Bring on the brown shu-gah!

  11. Kristi - April 25, 2006 at 10:05 am -

    I think you wrote this because you know one of my greatest fears is being forced to eat a stick of butter, let alone being paid to eat it. It’s one in a three-way tie of my greatest fears (in no particular order): eating a stick of butter, death, and being thrown into the pond full of nasty live carp at Cedar Point amusement park.

    You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to eat a stick of butter, however, for a free autographed copy of “The Lost Blogs”, I might just contemplate it. Something like that is just priceless.

  12. Karl - April 25, 2006 at 10:28 am -

    Hell, Pauly…for $50k I’d eat the whole damn butter TREE! I can’t believe people would turn down $50k to eat butter. Hell, that idiot Joe Rogan is offering just a CHANCE at $50k to people for eating boiled elephant testicles and sheep eyeballs. Bring on the butter!

  13. Dan - April 25, 2006 at 11:02 am -

    I actually did once take a bite out of a stick of butter for $5. Pro rate that to $50,000 and I probably would have eaten 500 sticks of butter. Or died.

  14. dgm - April 25, 2006 at 11:21 am -

    in college, one of my friends agreed to eat whatever was left in the drain plug after he finished washing the dinner dishes–all for a mere 6-pack of coors lite. so i’m thinking maybe i could get him to eat a stick of butter, and it would barely cost me anything.

  15. the swede - April 25, 2006 at 11:46 am -

    While I’m not really into eating things that gross me out for money, there are a lot of these bets I could take. Because I’ve found that there’s a huge difference in what grosses me out and what others think is gross.

    Anything that’s actually meant to be eaten, in whatever combinations, in probably fine with me. Unless it’s moldy (I’m allergic to mold and I don’t want to get seriously ill trying to make money off a bet…)

    If I’m going to venture into the area of what’s generally considered non-edible, I’ll have to draw the line at what I consider (again, might not coincide with the opinion of others on this subject) dirty. As in not clean, not the other kind of dirty. Most of us venture into eating that kind of dirty even without the involvement of money, after all…

  16. Janet - April 25, 2006 at 11:57 am -

    Were you one of those little kids that would snack on frosting containers and margarine instead of ice cream? Are you asking any of us to offer you 50K to down some butter, while unbekownst to us, you are a professional-butter-eater?

    That is disgusting. What ever happened to good ol’ bungee jumping?

  17. the swede - April 25, 2006 at 12:18 pm -

    Janet, are you asking me? Because the answer is yes: I used to actually eat sticks of butter when I was a kid (no joke). Other favorite snacks were: drinking out of the molasses bottle, eating sugar by the spoonfuls, mixing oats with butter and sugar for a treat, rolling up butter in slices of cheese, and eating cake batter. Despite all this, I was amazingly enough a very skinny child.

    So yeah, it probably wouldn’t be very fair for me to accept money from you guys…

  18. Nicole - April 25, 2006 at 1:16 pm -

    I think it really depends on the kind of butter. Are we talking real, pure cream butter (in which case I would totally dig in) or disgusting (albeit more healthy) imitation butter made from something like sunflower oil? Although I would probably eat either for $50,000 . . . or even $50 (I’m cheap).

  19. Kristi - April 25, 2006 at 1:18 pm -

    dgm, I seriously think I’m going to throw up now after hearing about the “drain plug” dare. Although I’m not sure what’s worse- eating the remains in the drain plug or doing it for Coors Light.

    Gah- I can barely clean out the drain plug without big gobs of paper towel so I don’t have to even feel what I’m cleaning up. The gag reflex is really working overtime right now…

  20. Flower Girl - April 25, 2006 at 1:25 pm -

    Pauly,

    I’ll bet if you ate a stick of butter, it would have quite the laxative effect. Then, you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone shaking your hand in order to “empty your bowels” (I put that because you seem to be offended by the “P” word).

    Just a pleasant thought before my drive home…

  21. Glen - April 25, 2006 at 3:14 pm -

    This begs the question that you probably answered but I totally missed somehow: Have you ever eaten a stick of butter?

  22. mikey - April 25, 2006 at 3:58 pm -

    Where and when do you want me to eat the stick of butter for 50K?

  23. H.F. Peterman - April 25, 2006 at 8:11 pm -

    I prefer to shave with butter. It’s vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream.

  24. nic - April 26, 2006 at 5:46 am -

    Kramer? Is that you?

  25. J-mE - September 29, 2006 at 12:33 pm -

    I ate a stickof butter this morning as a dare to become the stunt guy on a morning radio show. It was tuff. I agree todays kids suck. But on the other hand noone was doing the stunts the guys

  26. big dog - October 30, 2007 at 1:15 pm -

    big dog…

    Definitely, the most sensible thing i have seen in a long time….

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