Words For Your Enjoyment: Talking with TomKitten

Thank you for joining us yet again for “Words For Your Enjoyment.”

This week, WFME pal Sarcomical asks, “How about you submit to the lowest denominator and give us your version of what you imagine the brand new TomKitten’s 18th birthday celebration will be like?”

How about I do you one better, good old friend S-Mical, and talk to TomKitten now? The baby offspring of Tom Cruise at Katie Holmes has just come into this world after nine months and probably has lots to say on a variety of subjects, don’t you think?

Today’s imaginary conversation with TomKitten was an early one. I don’t normally like to be up at dawn, but TomKitten’s “baby guide” told me that because of the silence of the morning, that would be the best time to talk to Ms. TK. What follows is a partial transcript of that conversation:

Me: “Good morning, TomKitten. Should I call you Suri, your given birth name instead?”

TomKitten: “Suri means “princess in Hebrew and it means “red rose” in Persian.”

Me: “Right. So should I call you Suri or TomKitten?”

TomKitten: “My daddy, Mr. Tom Cruise, did not eat my placenta after birth.”

Me: “Well, look at you! Getting right at the meat of the subject, no pun intended of course. So… how are you feeling, how’s being out in the great big world working for you?”

TomKitten: “The world is wonderful. So is my father. He’s just a perfect man. And my mother, Kate, well — she’s just the most wonderful woman in the world. So is the newest iteration of Mission Impossible 3 – opening May 5th at theaters everywhere.”

Me: “Look at you! Already helping daddy out by promoting his movies! That’s got to feel a little weird, being born into a family with the world’s biggest box office movie star, Mr. Tom Cruise!”

TomKitten: “I don’t think of my daddy as the world’s biggest box office movie star, Paul. I mean, he is… And I don’t think of my mother as the most wonderful, sweet, caring, amazing woman in the world either… Even though she is. I just think of them as O.T. VII and O.T. I.”

Me: “Ok. Fair enough. So, now that you’re out here, alive and stuff — any plans for the near future?”

TomKitten: “Besides seeing MI-3 on May 5th?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Besides that.”

TomKitten: “Not really.”

18 comments on “Words For Your Enjoyment: Talking with TomKitten

  1. Pierce - April 21, 2006 at 6:47 am -

    She obviously hasn’t gotten the best grasp of the English language yet, what with her saying “… the newest iteration of Mission Impossible 3.” She probably meant: “… the newest iteration of Mission Impossible.”

    Unless, of course, they made multiple versions of the movie Mission Impossible 3. I jest, naturally. Hohoho.

  2. Pauly D - April 21, 2006 at 6:51 am -

    Pierce – She’s a baby, what do you expect?

  3. Nicola - April 21, 2006 at 7:09 am -

    I just read somewhere that suri is also Japanese for pickpocket…. poor girl….

  4. Pierce - April 21, 2006 at 7:13 am -

    Standards, Paul. I expect standards. Is that too much to ask? I don’t see why celebrities should get a free ticket to behave however they like, just because they’ve written a book come out of a famous person.

  5. Jerry - April 21, 2006 at 7:28 am -

    Why didn’t you ask her:

    — if she knows her full time live in Nanny’s name yet or will she just mistakenly call her Mama for the first 3 years of life?

    — to place a wager on how long the world’s biggest box office draw and the world’s most wonderful, caring mother will actually stay together now she is there to interfere?

    — does she intend to follow in her parents acting footsteps and if so will she end up like a 9 year old Drew Barrymore drunk off her ass an the Oscars or will she be uncontend but silent and get by on untold material trappings thrown at her as a substitute for love by her parents? (in which case then the interview she gives 18 years from now will be fantastic)

    I believe Suri is Cherokee for “unintended upstager,” Elutian for “prelude to divorce,” and the Scientology term for either for “indoctrinated at birth” or “odd little social experiment” depending on how it is used in a sentence.

  6. Flower Girl - April 21, 2006 at 7:28 am -

    Pauly –

    There are more questions for you to ask Tomkitten-Suri:

    1. Was your birth silent enough for daddy’s liking?
    2. If your mommy gets sad (a little postpartum depression) is it OK with if she has some medicine to make her feel better, or do you expect her to pop a few vitamins and run around the block?
    3. So what DID they do with the placenta, anyway?

  7. mamakraft - April 21, 2006 at 7:30 am -

    Your writing continues to tickle my funny bone and require the mind to expand! I sincerely reading you daily declarations!

  8. Keith - April 21, 2006 at 7:50 am -

    Has she reached the Thetan level where she gets free cable?

  9. Pauly D - April 21, 2006 at 8:30 am -

    Flower Girl – I submitted your questions to TomKitten-Suri and all she focused on was your whole medicine question and she got all intense and stuff and just started cursing Brooke Shields.

    Hmph. Go figure.

  10. mikey - April 21, 2006 at 8:58 am -

    When I herd Suri was born. I herd both mother and daughter were well, and quiet. How did you get Suri to talk?

  11. susan - April 21, 2006 at 9:08 am -

    What I really want to know is…does TomKit think her father’s 2nd wife is an excellent actress? and how old will she be (assuming she gets her mother’s genes) when she grows taller than dad? Your questions were good too.

  12. Dave2 - April 21, 2006 at 9:52 am -

    I don’t understand why they didn’t just name the baby “TomKitten” and be done with it! As far as names go… it’s not bad!

  13. sandra - April 21, 2006 at 10:13 am -

    “Suri, do you think the fact that half of your family is Catholic and midwestern and the other half is in a cult…er, are scientologists…will cause you to be schizophrenic?”

  14. Nicole - April 21, 2006 at 1:16 pm -

    I believe her full name is Suri Xenu L. Ronnette Holmes-Cruise. And apparently she is in early training to be an alpaca farmer.

  15. Rabbit - April 21, 2006 at 5:17 pm -

    Whoa, hold on a minute! You mean to tell me there was a Mission Impossible 2?!

  16. Sarcomical - April 22, 2006 at 12:36 am -



    heh. funny how she’s all about that now. it’ll never take.

    why must they be SO bizarre?

    p.s. you honor me with your choice, Master Pauly. 😉

  17. kilax - April 23, 2006 at 5:34 am -

    Sounds like the same people who brainwashed her father did it to her as well. Uh oh.

  18. Jane - July 9, 2006 at 5:42 pm -

    I wanted you to ask her if she enjoyed the first nine months of her life as a basketball.

    On another note, I posted a link to “A Day with Tom Cruise” on another website, and I think I’ve gained you a number of fans. (Natch…you are hilarious.) HOWEVER, we all want to know….is it true?
    your faithful reader,

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