Words for My Enjoyment

Excerpts From My New Book, ‘How To Get Someone To Drop A Gun’

April 19th, 2006

You didn’t think I would just let The Lost Blogs get released and not have a third one ready to go, did you?

That’s why I wanted to take today’s post to give everyone a sneak peek at my third book, How To Get Someone To Drop A Gun, which will be going out to publishers within the next month. It’s like those really popular How-To books, but this one doesn’t tell YOU how to do something, it gives you the skills to get other people to do things for you.

Most specifically, how to get someone who is holding a gun to put it down.

From Page 10:
“…and often in bank robberies you’ll notice that at least one of the five criminals is nervous. It’s always this way. He or she is usually the sister’s brother or the second-cousin twice removed, on board for the festivities because they needed a fifth person to make the criminal act appear organized and simply because the more people you’ve got robbing a bank the more intimidating it is to the people experiencing the crime. But it’s that fifth person, that reluctant robber who has what I like to call the itchy-slippery trigger finger and this is the person you’re going to want to single out as the one you’re going to successfully convince to, yes you guessed it — drop the gun.”

From Page 12:
“…and after you’ve wrapped the entire medical-grade glove around your head, eyes and nose — you’re going to want to blow as hard as you can so the air from your nose makes the glove blow up into a huge balloon around your head. If all goes well, you’ll look like a chicken or a rooster and you’ll get the attention of at least one (if not more) of the bank robbers. Now’s the point where you’re going to have to scream that rhyme we talked about in the Foreward of this book.”

From Page 13:
“And you sing, YES I’M A CHICKEN LOOK AT ME DANCE. And you sing it over and over again as you waddle and shake your hindquarters, all the while pretending to be completely insane. Every so often, when you walk past another frightened patron on the floor, hands over their head — that’s when you squat over them and sing, YES I’M LAYING AN EGG RIGHT ON THIS GUY’S HEAD! HAHAHAHA!”

From Page 17:
“And then, in your most calming voice you say, ‘Put the gun down.’ The person holding the gun will probably just stare at you because most people holding a gun will never just put down a gun because you ask them nicely. That would make them a nice-guy putter-down gun holder, which they are not. Repeating the phrase again, but with a few added words will help. ‘Please sir, think of the children and put the gun down.’ Now that you’ve included children, the gun holder (who has the potential be be the gun-putter downer) will think about the children. Ha! You’ve got him right where you want now. ‘Please buddy, pal… Don’t just think of the children but think about the children you will someday have if you put down the gun and only go to jail for a short period of time because you put the gun down and then how you’ll have this awesome Internet penpal and when you get out you’ll get married and have children and they’ll be all THANKS DAD FOR DROPPING THE GUN OR ELSE WE’D NEVER BE ALIVE, and stuff like that.’”

From Page 43:
“International terrorists don’t like dropping guns because in some countries, dropping ones’ gun signifies a lack of manhood. That why, ladies, you’ll need to distract such baddies by stroking an exposed part of their skin (an arm, leg, forehead) while distracting them from their gun. Using the line, ‘I’d like to drop YOUR gun’ will often work.”

From Page 98:
“Reverse pyschology is always an alternative to the skills you’ve already perfected thanks to this book. According to Yale professor Henry D. Kim, ‘Shouting at a gun holder that he’d better not drop that gun or else everything’s going to go to Hell’ is a technique some tacticians use in the field.’ That’s why if you feel comfortable screaming at a gun holder any of this book’s helpful reverse-psychological phrases (’Look at me! No, LOOK AT ME! Your hand is like sandpaper, not jelly! You have a total GRIP that you MUST NOT LOSE. You have a good grip, don’t you? You’d better!) may just be the answer to your prayers.”

From Acknowledgement Section, Page 214:
“And special thanks to Detective H. R. Miller from the Detroit Police Department and S.W.A.T. squad for teaching me how a strong punch to the groin can really get those hand muscles to loosen on up…”

Posted under Books, Crime, Excerpts. |